According to Moonalice legend, at precisely 4:20pm today (August 29, 2010) someone downloaded the 500,000th copy of "It's 4:20 Somewhere."
According to Moonalice legend, the Humboldt State University has a long and noble history of scientific exploration, some by the Moonalice tribe. It was here that Young Alice Moonalice conducted the first experiments with pills. Her study uncovered what is now known as the Moonalice Paradox: one pill makes you larger, but it also makes you small. Forget the ones that Mother gives you. The whole thing is very confusing.
According to Moonalice legend, Humboldt County is named after Alexander von Humboldt, a German naturalist. The legend goes on to explain that a naturalist is not the same as a nudist. A naturalist is somebody who helps nature. Nobody remembers what Alex did for nature, but he did wonders for the culture of this area. After all, it was Alex von Humboldt who recommended that the Russians bring rolling papers and lighters to trade with the Moonaice tribe they encountered on the beach. It was the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
According to Moonalice legend, the first oil wells drilled in California were in Humboldt County. In the town of Petrolia, to be exact. The name turned out to ironic. The only oil they found was hash oil. The Oil Company was disappointed, but apparently the locals were okay with that.
According to Moonalice legend, tonight's poster by Alexandra Fischer depicts one of the great entrepreneurial disasters in Moonalice history. Our tribe has no aptitude for casinos, baseball or RV's, so we have to be scrappy to earn a living. One member of the tribe, Captain Ahab Moonalice, decided that the tribe should take advantage of the aging US population by getting into the cruise business. So far, so good. Unfortunately, they built the cruise terminal here on Blue Lake, which turns out to be otherwise landlocked. The tribe went back to farming.
According to Moonalice legend, today is the 47th anniversary of Dr. Martin Luther King’s I Have A Dream Speech.
According to Moonalice legend, today's poster shows noted Michigander Hoxeyville Moonalice as a young boy. Hoxeyville was an unusual child. He liked to fish in fields of hemp under a full moon. Apparently that's where the potfish are.
According to Moonalice legend, there are two communities in Pennsylvania named Hempfield. The other one is near Lancaster. That’s the one our GPS knew. We might well have missed the gig, but we ignored technology and allowed our instincts to take over. They brought us home to Greensburg!!!
According to Moonalice legend, General Nathanial Greene kept a couple of Moonalices on his farm here in Greensburg. Ma & Pa Moonalice grew hemp for fabric, rope, paper, and entertainment. Using their fine products, General Greene became a hero of the Revolutionary War. Fortunately, the tribe does not need credit. We prefer to keep a low profile.
According to Moonalice legend, tonight's poster by David Singer depicts four butterfly people who asked the tribe for permission to get married. The tribe is very open minded about matters of personal choice, so we said, "yes." The butterfly people said, "we do" and lived happily ever after.
According to Moonalice legend, tonight’s poster by Chuck Sperry features the Greek god Hermes, who invented the lyre. He was also the patron of boundaries and of the travelers who cross them, of shepherds and cowherds, of the cunning of thieves and liars, of orators and wit, of literature and poets, of athletics and sports, of weights and measures, of invention, and of commerce in general. In our tribe, Hermes Moonalice didn’t invent anything, but he was a total liar. The tribe sent him to his room without anything to smoke.
According to Moonalice legend, on this day in 1889, Ferdinand von Zeppelin patented the navigable blimp. After years of experiments with hemp fumes, Zeppelin had a vision of a giant airship that could be steered. Hemp fumes led to the idea, but proved to be too heavy to enable the Zeppelin to get airborne. After that, Ferdinand saved the hemp for passengers and crew.
According to Moonalice legend, the town of Willits was once home to the racehorse Seabiscuit. A hero to millions, Seabiscuit won so many races we lost count, offer having to carry far more weight than his competitors. Many have wondered how the little horse could do so well under such difficult circumstances. The answer, of course, can be found in the Moonalice legend. Seabiscuit lived in Mendocino County, where the grass grows high. Need I say more?
According to Moonalice legend, the tribe down in New Orleans saw a "help wanted" sign. It said, "Walkers Wanted." We needed work, so we applied. The boss asked, "How many are you?" We said, "Five." They said, "Are you kidding me? This is N'awlins. No walkin' except the 7 Walkers." Then he said, "you can open." That worked for us, so here we are.
According to Moonalice legend, Portland has more nicknames than any other major city. Rose City, PDX, Stump Town, P-Town, Little Beirut, Rip City, Razorblade City, Bridgetown are excellent nicknames. We had a contest to see if our fans could come up with another nickname. They did. It was an embarrassment of riches. Out of respect for the city of Portland, we will not go further.
According to Moonalice legend, today is the 173rd anniversary of the first commercial use of the telegraph. It took place in England. The message read, "Dude, did you take my lighter?"
According to Moonalice legend, on this day in 1965 Bob Dylan went electric.
According to Moonalice legend, Chubby visited tribe member Deb Trist on her show Dead Air. In an interview that would make a publicist cringe, Chubby managed to talk for 15 minutes with mentioning the band's website, its upcoming schedule, the names of his bandmates or anything else that would convey value to the audience. Instead, Chubby and Deb just talked about the tribe's value system, which was a very Moonalice thing to do.
According to Moonalice legend, the tribe played a little known role in the creation of the University of Oregon in 1876. Apparently our tribe furnished the paper for exam books. Naturally it was hemp paper. The university liked the paper. They were less comfortable with the bag of hemp buds that came with it.
New songs: Tall Enough to Take the Ride, You and Me
According to Moonalice legend, today is the 27th anniversary of the Pine Tar Incident, wherein the great 3rd bassman George Brett hit a home run with a bat that was subsequently ruled to have excessive pine tar on it. On hearing the news, George threw one of the great hissy fits in the history of baseball. The whole thing could have been avoided had George only listened to our advice: use hash oil instead of pine tar. It works better and umpires can't resist it.
According to Moonalice legend, today is the 99th anniversary of Hiram Bingham's rediscovery of Machu Pichu.
According to Moonalice legend, the movie This is Spinal Tap is NOT a "mockumentary." It is non-fiction. Even the part about exploding drummers. We bring this up because every band has its Spinal Tap moments. We had several this week, including a "short cut" that our driver took on the road from Bend to Eugene. The short cut took an extra two hours, so we missed our performance with Ed K on KVMR. Fortunately, Big Steve was coming in on his own, so he did the show solo.
According to Moonalice legend, Bend was originally called Farewell Bend. It was one of the few places on the Deschuttes that was fordable. We bring this up because the tribe never figured out how to get across. So they just settled down and grew hemp.
According to Moonalice legend, Bend is a place where energetic people ride bicycles long distances. We admire that. To be honest, though, most of us can't even watch bike races. It's way too tiring.
According to Moonalice legend, on this day in 1904, Ford Motor Company sold it's first car. At 4:20 that afternoon, the first joy ride began, which later that evening found driver and passenger enjoying a close up view of the upholstery in the back seat.
According to Moonalice legend, the Clan of the Bear has a particularly cool place to hang at the Oregon Country Fair. Cleverly disguised as shop selling antique maps, the bear cave has all the creature comforts, including hot and cold running water, which is pretty surprising for a place that gets rebuilt every year for an event that lasts a weekend. Steve Frandsen, a bear who used to make art for Hunter Thompson, hosted our radio performance in Bend. The only thing missing was a cannon and fireworks.
According to Moonalice legend, the Ashland/Medford region is the fruit and vegetable basket of Oregon. Led by guys named Harry and David, the farmers of this region produce amazing fruit and ship it around the country on a monthly basis. We went to the Harry & David outlet store on the way to the gig and asked for some of the region's finest. They gave us some beautiful peaches. We asked if they had any buds, but the answer was negative. Apparently you need a liquor license to sell Bud in Oregon.
According to Moonalice legend, Dave Hunter's poster is another reminder that we are actually a tribute band. We pay tribute to the band Moonalice by reproducing classic shows note-for-note. Today's show reproduced what Dave's poster claims was a show from exactly a month ago, June 18. We can't find any mention of a June 18, 2010 show in our schedule, but by the end of the day that is was a great show.
According to Moonalice legend, Willits’ own Seabiscuit is an honorary member of the Moonalice tribe. We are partial to underdogs, but especially to underhorses, of which Seabicuit is the all time greatest. We say this because someone told us that Seabiscuit’s favorite band is Moonalice. We were about to say, “Thanks, dude, but Seabiscuit’s dead . . .” but then we realized that being dead should in no way disqualify one from membership in the Moonalice tribe. This is going to do wonders for the size of our fan base.
According to Moonalice legend, we are gathered here on the ancestral home of Nicasio Moonalice, a rancher who attempted to cross hemp with wild turkeys. As can be seen in tonight’s poster by David Singer, the result was a disaster.
According to Moonalice legend, the tribe used to be in the oil business. The hash oil business. The entire Moonalice economy was moved and warmed by hash oil. Eventually the population grew to the point that the tribe had to look for new sources of hash oil. In desperation, they drilled a deep water well in Lake Tahoe. Everybody was praying for a hash oil spill . . . they were pretty desperate ... but the well was dry. The tribe went back to farming and playing bass.
According to Moonalice, we were very lucky to be in Moraga on July 15, 2010. Wikipedia says Moraga is the 79th wealthiest city in America on a per capita basis. That is amazing. As a band we share in other people's American dream; and the fans' support is what makes our American Dream possible.
According to Moonalice legend, today is the 55th anniversary of the signing of the Mainau Declaration. On this day in 1955, 18 Nobel laurates signed a document appealing against the use of nuclear weapons. Eventually, 52 Nobel laureates signed the declaration. It's possible the Mainau Declaration was written on hemp paper, because the damn thing disappeared at a wiuld party they had after the signing. When those Nobel laureates partner, no one is safe.
According to Moonalice legend, today is Bastille Day, when the French celebrate their revolution. The Moonalice tribe is peaceful; we would rather drop out than revolt, but we respect the French, especially when it comes to potatoes, bread, and cheese. We love what the French do with food, which causes us to wonder: how come they don’t cook more with hemp? Let them eat hemp fries!!!
According to Moonalice legend, the Oregon Country Fair is a portal to the space/time continuum. I was talking to some of the other musicians yesterday about how tribute bands are taking over the music business. We think tribute bands are cool. They are the symphony orchestras for the new classical music known as classic rock. Naturally, we assumed we were completely out of step with this trend. Then came the midnight show. It must have been something I ate, but I had a vision in which the great matriarch Veneta Moonalice appeared. She was beautiful. She was topless. She had a beautiful pair of ... stone tablets with Two Big Truths. Truth #1 was the creed of the Moonalice tribe: “It’s always 4:20 somewhere.” But Truth #2 was new to me. It turns out Moonalice IS a tribute band. Other tribute bands play the music beautifully. Some reproduce set lists and equipment. But this tribute band has special powers!! Not only are we the only tribute band with the same name as the band we copy, but we reproduce Moonalice shows note for note. Today we are going to play the Moonalice show from July 11, 2011 note for note. For those of you who weren’t there, the July 11 show very important for Moonalice, as it was their first acoustic concert. Incredibly, you will be able to watch it again and again on moonalicetv. Isn’t time travel fun?
According to Moonalice legend, the tribe wandered around this part of Oregon for centuries in a desperate search for enlightenment . . . and chocolate-flavored mushrooms. Apparently both were available in great supply to anyone with a clue; unfortunately, clue is something you never find in Moonalices of the male persuasion. Fortunately, our tribe is a matriarchy. A great matriarch by the name of Hill Woman Moonalice came to the rescue. In 1969, she led the tribe to the original Oregon Renaissance Faire on Crow Road. Talk about enlightenment!! Ever since, the Oregon Country Fair has drawn our tribe every year for three days of therapy. For this, we give thanks!
According to Moonalice legend, Oxford, Maine was home to the English university of same name. Unfortunately, we weren't paying attention when the English repossessed the place, so it's not here any more.
According to Moonalice legend, Oxford is home to the Nateva Center for Lobster Arts & Sciences. The center was the brainchild of Nateva Moonalice, a matriarch who dreamed of a utopian society based entirely on lobsters. Today’s poster shows Nateva riding her Lobster-mobile. For those of you who are wondering what happened to Nateva’s lobster-powered utopia, we’ll give you a hint. When she died, Nateva weighed about 400 pounds.
According to Moonalice legend, the Fourth of July is the 185th day of the year. It’s also a holiday with really good fireworks. And it’s the anniversary of the day when both Thomas Jefferson and John Adams died.
National anthem played by Chris Elliott on trumpet.
According to Moonalice legend, the tribe has lived in the parts for hundreds of years. Unfortunately, Moonalice had no concept of real estate ownership, so we moved out of Oxford when the white people came and said the land was called Sherpherdsfield Plantation and it belonged to them. That’s too bad, because Oxford is where New England members of the tribe grew their most psychedelic varieties of hemp. The white people said hay was more useful. They were wrong.
According to Moonalice legend, this show was supposed to be a private event for festival VIPs. They didn't sell enough VIP tix, so they put on an open stage without telling anyone. Somehow, more than 100 people figured out that we were playing and came to the show. It was magical!
According to Moonalice legend, Nelson Ledges serves as an object lesson for members of our tribe. It was here that the tribe had its first and only experience working at a quarry. Many years ago, our forefathers saw a job listing for work at Nelson Ledges Rock Quarry, and being bass players, they assumed that a rock quarry was a clever name for a music venue. That’s true today, but back then rock meant stone, not music. Hard work does not come naturally to our tribe, so the quarry turned out to be an important lesson. The Rock & Water Hall of Fame right over there serves as a permanent reminder that work is for other people.
According to Moonalice legend, the Palm Ballroom occupies hallowed ground. On this site in 1800, a young man by the name of East Marin Moonalice invented the doobie shotgun. For those of you who are unfamiliar with doobie shotguns, this is when you put the lit end of the doobie in your mount and blow the smoke out the other end into someone else’s mouth. As is so often the case around the Moonalice tribe, this great invention was the product of an accident. It turns out that East Marin Moonalice suffered from tactile dyslexia. Everything he touched, he did backwards. You can imagine how embarrassing that could be. Fortunately, the shotgun is the only thing anyone remembers about East Marin Moonalice. If you inhale deeply, you can still smell the results.
According to Moonalice legend, San Rafael was founded as the 20th Spanish mission in California. In a brilliant stroke of foresight, they named the mission – and the town – after the patron saint of healing, anticipating by 200 years, San Rafael’s emergence as the spiritual home of the most important healing product known to man. I am speaking, of course, of the magical, seedless fruit of the bud known to us as hemp. Even before the Spanish arrived, the Moonalice and Coast Miwok’s tilled the soil here, creating an herbal tradition that baffled the Spanish missionaries, but works really well for us.
According to Moonalice legend, the tribe first came to Pacific Grove in search of asylum. Apparently the tribe had inadvertently wandered on to the course at Pebble Beach and found itself under assault by small white projectiles fired by middle aged people in funny clothes. Despite the scruffy look of the tribe at their gate, the town mothers of Pacific Grove asked the Moonalices only one question: do you have an occupation? The silence that followed was painful, broken only when someone said, “butterfly ranching.” That’s what we have been doing here ever since.
According to Moonalice legend, the tribe has always believed in medicine. We like the buzz. Being of independent stock, the Moonalice tribe of old favored self-medication, but the current generation is open minded. Self-medication has its place – we consider Great American Music Hall to be an ideal place, for example – but there are times when you need a doctor. For that we support the Haight-Ashbury Free Clinic. Helping those in need. PLEASE SUPPORT THE CLINIC. Send a donation to http://www.hafci.org
According to Moonalice legend, June 17 is Weird Shit Happens Day. In 1775, they fought the Battle of Bunker Hill, the first American example of winning by losing. In 1901, the College Board introduced its first standardized test, the predecessor to the SAT. In 1930, Herbert Hoover signed the Smoot Hawley tariff, which may have been the most economically damaging legislation in history. In 1972, the Watergate burglers were arrested. In 1994, OJ tried to sneak away in the Bronco but got arrested anyway for murdering the Mrs. Today is MC Escher’s birthday, which explains a lot.
According to Moonalice legend, the tribe recently performed a password audit on those who have accounts on the Moonalice site. We discovered that one Moonalice was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why he had such a long password, the Moonalice said he was told that his password had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital. via Oldhippie Ma
According to Moonalice legend, today’s poster by Chris Shaw depicts the lovely Mateel Moonalice. Mateel was angelic in appearance – believe it or not, wings are not common in the Moonalice tribe. She was also a prodigious inventor. The poster shows her crowning achievement, the Octo-Bong. Not only did the Octo-Bong deliver an eight pipe buzz, it could be played like Zamfir’s pan flute.
According to Moonalice legend, our experience with the river that passes the Benbow Music and Arts Festival has taken a page from the Flintstones, thanks to the presence of billions of rocks, but only a trickle of water. This time the rocks were not in evidence, drowning as they were in prodigious amounts of rapidly flowing H20. No satisfactory explanation was provided for this change, but we suspect BP is involved.
According to Moonalice legend, we are standing today at Roaring Camp, the heart of an ancient Redwood Hemp Forest. Redwood Hemp was exactly what it sounds like, a hemp plant that grew hundreds of feet tall over hundreds of years, with buds the size of a Dodge minivan. The buds were so fragrant that you didn’t need to smoke them. One whiff and you were set for an afternoon of entertainment. If you lived near here, the buzz was perpetual, which explains so much. Unfortunately, the white man came, took one look at the giant plants and thought, “wow, we can make a shitload of toilet paper out of these things.” Then they cut them all down.
According to Moonalice legend, one of the great innovations in Moonalice history did not occur right here in Madison. A graduate student by the name of High Noon Moonalice spent years trying to develop an energy drink that would keep you up for weeks. He conducted experiment after experiment, getting increasingly wired, and increasingly weird. But he never broke the code. In the end, High Noon gave up and became a monkey sheriff who married a Quaker and then killed the bad guys. Hollywood bigotry prevented monkeys from having roles in movies that did not include Ronald Reagan, so Gary Cooper played High Noon in the movie. Chris Shaw’s poster recreates the real story.
According to Moonalice legend, the band went to see the SPAM museum in Minnesota today. It was a religious experience . . . but it also led to a vision! While we were there, Big Steve figured out how to stop the Gulf oil spill! All we have to do is fill the hole with Spam and then cap it with a giant tin can!!!
According to Moonalice, the tribe likes beer. Beer goes really well with hemp, as well as with baseball. Unfortunately, beer is not compatible with aging. As they get older, members of the tribe experience a gradual, but steady deterioration in our ability to retain beer. Eventually, we get to the point where we drink beer in the bathroom to save time. Fortunately, hemp has no such issues!
According to Moonalice legend, the Brewers’ sausage races are decended from an ancient Moonalice harvest ritual. Back in the 19th century, the Moonalice tribe in these parts used to compete to see who produced the best hemp. In the early days, the Hemp Harvest Queen would sample all the entries and pick a winner. Unfortunately, the Harvest Queen usually passed out before she got through the evaluation process. They tried using lots of Harvest Queen’s, but with the same result. So in the end, someone suggested a race. The farmers each dressed up as a doobie and ran around a field. The Italian Doobie won most of the time, but that was because it cheated.
According to Moonalice legend, Milwaukee is an urban heat island. Urban Heat Islands have an average nightly temperature is significantly higher than the surrounding areas. Don’t know about you, but we thought this sounded very suspicious. Not the heat part. That makes sense. But are people in Milwaukee significantly higher than folks in the surrounding areas? We can confirm that the only town in Wisconsin that rivals Milwaukee in terms of elevation is Madison, which is where we’ll be on Sunday.
According to Moonalice legend, tonight’s poster depicts Mrs. O’Leary’s bull. This is the one that left town after the Great Chicago Fire, moved up here to Milwaukee and started brewing “light” beer.
According to Wikipedia, the name "Chicago" is a French rendering of the Native American word shikaakwa, meaning "wild onion" or "wild garlic," from the Miami-Illinois language. According to Moonalice legend, this is a classic white wash. That “wild onion” was hemp, a variety of skunk cultivated by the local Moonalice tribe. It is our understanding that the local tribe has been experimenting with biotechnology to reproduce the original shikaakwa hemp. Moonalice legend says that when they succeed, the Cubs will win. Blackhawks, too!
According to Moonalice legend, the tribe loves baseball. And Moonalices feel a special kinship the Cubs, thanks in part to pride in our tribe’s role in Chicago baseball. Have you ever wondered how they built Wrigley Field in only six weeks back in 1914? Hemp. Lots of hemp. And a work crew of Moonalices, of course. Then in 1937, the great Bill Veeck, who was a Moonalice on his mother’s backside, covered the walls with green plants. He began by planting hemp. It was cheap, grew fast, and could be sold at a profit. Unfortunately, that first crop matured in early May, was cured and enjoyed by the ground crew. That’s when Veeck planted the ivy.
According to Moonalice legend, today is the anniversary of the first execution of a witch in the US. It happened in 1647 to a woman named Alse Young. How did they know Alse was a witch? She had no sons when her husband died, which meant she was legally entitled to inherit his estate. More recently she has been accused of cultivating hemp.
According to Moonalice legend, this is International Whistlers Week! Please be aware that international whistlers walk among us, incognito. If you spot an international whistler in the wild, do not approach it. Wave your arms and make as much noise as possible.
According to Moonalice legend, today would have been the 98th birthday of Harold J. Smith on the Six Nations reservation in Ontario. Doesn’t ring a bell? How about Harold’s stage name: Jay Silverheels? None other than the man who played Tonto in the Lone Ranger TV series in the 50s. The man who did NOT say, “what do you mean ‘we’, White Man?” Happy birthday, Jay!!
According to Moonalice legend, tonight's poster (by Chris Shaw) depicts Howling Monkey the First, a pioneer who had three lives. In his first live, Howling the First was an astronaut chimp who came to an unfortunate end in the early days of NASA. In his second life, Howling the First was a test monkey for hallucinogenics during the MK Ultra program. They fried his brain and put him to sleep. Howling the First then achieved glory when he discovered the beneficial effects of vitamins combined with huge doses of caffeine. The rest, as they say, is legend.
According to Moonalice legend, members of the tribe should judge each other on the quality of their character. We in the tribe are open minded about all personal matters, so long as they do not impinge on others. We bring this up because today is Harvey Milk Day here in San Francisco. We honor Harvey Milk and everything he stood for. You don’t have to be LGBT to believe in Harvey Milk and you don’t have to consume hemp products to be a member of the Moonalice tribe. However, if you are LGBT and you do like hemp products, we are particularly glad you are here tonight.
According to Moonalice legend, today is the 203rd anniversary of the first time a sitting US Vice President was indicted for treason. Our first reaction was that the accused must have been Dick Cheney during his first term as Vice President, but we were wrong. It turns out to have been Aaron Burr, who had already won at Fort Ticonderoga, lost a leg at Saratoga, and killed Alexander Hamilton in a duel. Only then did he get impeached for treason. Talk about inconsistent.
Emcee: Chevy Chase
Surprise Comedian: Robin Williams
According to Moonalice legend, the tribe has long believed in the power of balls. After an initial battle with double entendres – which led to a baby boom in the late 19th century – the tribe experimented with many kinds of balls. They started with seasonal balls, the biggest of which was the Harvest Festival every October. They also threw a Baseball in the summer and a Snowball in the winter. Someone suggested they try numbers, which led to the every popular 8 ball. Then came colors. The Brown Ball was kind of gross, but the Green Ball emerged as a one-of-a-kind event to honor the thing that sustains us all, namely hemp. Or in your case, the earth.
According to Moonalice legend, we are all Friends of the Earth. Sadly, there aren’t enough of us. For reasons I cannot explain, the Earth has fewer friends on Facebook than Coca-Cola, which might have made sense before 1900, when Coca-Cola was green got you high, but it is crazy now.
According to Moonalice legend, on this day in 1881 Clara Barton founded the American Red Cross. The initial plan was to have a second organization called the American Green Doobie – which would have been a nationwide chain of pot clubs – but the white folks freaked out.
According to Moonalice legend, today is Mother’s Day. In our tribe, which is a matriarchy, every day is Mother’s Day, but today is a particularly HIGH holy day. This is the day when the Fairy Hemp Mother goes from home to home, delivery yummy surprises to all Moonalice boys and girls who have been good. It’s our understanding that the Fairy Hemp Mother is at your houses right now!!! Happy Mother’s Day!
According to Moonalice legend, today is Sunday. Unfortunately, the guest of honor doesn’t appear to be. Judging from the overcast, I fear the sun may be taking the afternoon off. Mayor Newsome may not feel any responsibility for this, but we’re not going to let his failure to deliver sunshine prevent us from delivering music with buzz to each and everyone one of you. Happy Sunday!!
According to Moonalice legend, today is the 50th anniversary of the FDA’s approval of Enovid as a pill for birth control. In honor of this great event, the tribe has decided to sponsor its own pharmaceutical research. We’re want to discover a pill to cure dumb shit. Ideally, the dumb shit pill will work after the fact, but at this point we would settle for a dumb shit vaccine.
According to Moonalice legend, today is the 55th anniversary of the first time the Muppets appeared on television. The show was called Sam & Friends, and it appears that Jim Henson did not yet have the formula right. His first two Muppets were named Doobie and Roach Clip. Apparently they were about ten years ahead of their time.
According to Wikipedia, Boonville is named for W. W. Boone, who was the first shopkeeper in this town. Given that there were already two hotels and perfectly good name – The Corners – the shopkeeper story struck us as unlikely. Fortunately the legend tells the real story. According to Moonalice legend, Boonville was actually named after Lou Boon Moonalice, the inventor of hemp beer, who lived in a very large adobe igloo behind one of the hotels. Given the subsequent history of brewing in Boonville, we believe this explanation is far more likely.
According to Moonalice legend, the aforementioned Lou Boon Moonalice had speech impediment. He sounded like a cross between Tweety Bird and Elmer Fudd. It sounded so funny that pretty soon the whole town was imitating it, especially the kids who used it confuse their parents. This folk language has a name – Boontling – which survives to this day. All you appleheads and batter listen up while I blooch in Boont. Remember, in boont beer is bahl hornin’, but hemp is bahl flamin’.
According to Moonalice legend, today is the anniversary of Dr. John Pemberton’s invention of a cocaine-based carbonated beverage that would one day come to be known as Coca-Cola. Like many of you, we wonder what life would be like today if Dr. Pemberton’s original formula were still in use.
According to Moonalice legend, this venue was named after Ashkenaz Moonalice, whose PhD thesis at Cal postulated that It’s Always 4:20 Somewhere. Ashkenaz’s thesis revolutionized Moonalice tribal culture. It also was good for the environment, as the Ashkenaz Thesis effectively distributed tribal air pollution throughout the day.
According to Moonalice legend, Ashkenaz Moonalice became a professor at Cal and continued her research, ultimately winning the NewBud Prize in Physics for her work on Moonalice Standard Time. Moonalice Standard Time is a tear in the space/time continuum that enables the tribe to fall back to any past time, on demand. While it has many uses, Moonalice Standard Time is credited with the 100% on time record of the tribe since its discovery.
According to Moonalice legend, on this day in 1429, Joan of Arc led the charge that broke the Siege of Orleans and turned the tide in the 100 Years War. This was a big deal for several reasons. First, it’s not easy to turn the tide in a war that has gone on for a century. Second, this was the first time the French – or any other Europeans – turned over the reins of command to a woman. After 100 years of boys not getting the job done, it was an obvious move. And finally, Joan took an arrow in the shoulder during the battle, but kept fighting. Let us raise our doobies and saluate the great Moonalice matriarch, Joan of Arc!!!
According to Moonalice legend, today – the first Friday in May – is No Pants Day. You can look it up. But it may not be obvious to you that we in the band are actually with the No Pants Day program. We are. These are our “No” pants, as in “no means no”. If we were wearing our Yes Pants, the fly would be unzipped.
According to Moonalice legend, today is International Tuba Day. This is a day to recognize the important role of the tuba in society. This is particularly true in the Moonalice tribe, where the tuba’s traditional role as a giant bong has been superceded by vaporizers. So tonight, just for old time’s sake, we recommend you go home, spark up your tuba and remember the good old days.
According to Moonalice legend, 420 is a really important number. 420 is also the number of characters in a Facebook status message. 420 is the length of 3 tweets. It used to be an area code in Wisconsin. It’s the country code for Czechoslovakia. It’s ten times as big as 42, which is the answer to life, the universe and everything . . . And best of all, 4/20 is today!!!
According to Moonalice legend, the accepted explanation of the origin of 4:20 is that it originated at the Louis Pasteur statue at San Raphael High School in 1971. Some maintain that a search for hemp plants on Mount Tam figured in the story. The Moonalice Legend thrives on controversy, so we would like to create some. Long, long ago, in a galaxy far, far away, Lucky Moonalice imagined a number between 419 and 421. The rest is legend.
According to Moonalice legend, President Abraham Lincoln wrote a letter during his presidency stating that one of his favorite things “sitting on [his] front porch smoking a pipe of sweet hemp."
According to Moonalice legend, this is Sky Awareness Week. We want you to be aware that when you go outside and look up, the thing above you is the sky. The big round thing is the Moon. That’s where our tribe hails from.
According to Moonalice legend, Howling Monkey is the official energizing elixer of the Moonalice tribe. Hemp is the official herbal entertainment of the tribe. Until now, there has been a gaping hole in the tribal supply cabinet: alcohol. That ends tonight. We are here to welcome our dear friend Howling Monkey Moonalice to share some good news!!!
According to Moonalice legend, on this day in 1836 – 4/20/36 - Congress created the Wisconsin Territory. 150 years later, the 420 area code was assigned to Wisconsin. Coincidence? We think not!
Live Videocast - #13
Baked goods - cupcakes
Six posters plus 1st Moonalice hand screened limited edition
According to Wikipedia, the name Topanga was created by the Tongva tribe, in whose language the word means, “a place above.” This is didn’t sound right to us, so we consulted the Moonalice legend. According to Moonalice legend, the Moonalices loved the Tongvas, but our tribe was actually here first. Moonalices coined the name “Topanga”. In our language, it means a “place to get high.” Hard to argue with that!
According to Moonalice legend, the native tribes were chased out of Topanga in 1839 by a group of Europeans known as movie stars. Most of the tribes did not take kindly to the invasion of the white people, but the Moonalices didn’t mind. They had never seen a movie and thought the whole thing sounded really cool. Little did they know they would have to wait more than 70 years. Fortunately they had plenty of hemp.
According to Moonalice legend, Topanga is proud of its bohemian culture. The Moonalice tribe thrives in bohemian environments, particularly those that celebrate the planetary birthdays. While we focus on lunar birthdays, we are happy to be here today to celebrate Earth Day.
According to Moonalice legend, back in pre-historic times Bakersfield was a beach town. Way back then, the Pacific Ocean came right up to what is now Eye street. The fishing was really good and a local favorite was the Ouroboros Fish, depicted on tonight’s poster. An Ouroboros is a snake or dragon that eats its own tail. The Ouroboros Fish was known not only for trying to eat its own antenna, but also for its lips, which were very fishy.
According to Moonalice legend, the band is staying down the street at the venerable Padre Hotel. First built in 1928, the Padre has recently been renovated. The renovation revealed something astonishing. The Padre was built on the site of an ancient Moonalice hotel called the Madre, which was THE place to stay in the central valley back in the days when this area was one giant hemp farm. The Madre was best known for its Really Happy Hour, which began at 4:20 every afternoon and lasted until 4:20 the following day. No wonder the Madre was so popular. Unfortunately, the endless Really Happy Hour took its toll on management, which got so buzzed they forgot to charge guests for their rooms. Before long the Madre went broke.
According to Moonalice legend, today is the 67th anniversary of the day that Swiss chemist Dr. Albert Hoffman discovered the effects of LSD. He had synthesized it many years earlier, but never experimented. That first time was an accident – the good doctor dosed himself! – but Hoffman saw that it was good. Doctor Hoffman’s experiments demonstrated that LSD had interesting benefits with few side effects. One of the interesting benefits was that Doctor Hoffman lived to be 102 years old.
According to Moonalice legend, Henderson, Nevada was born in the nation’s defense to supply magnesium for the war effort in World War II. After the war, magnesium was no longer required, so the town all but disappeared. In 1947, the government actually put Henderson up for sale as military surplus. It was acquired by Casey Jones Moonalice, who had dreams of running a transcontinental railroad from the arctic circle in Canada to the equator. The goal of the railroad was to redistribute hemp throughout the north American continent. Unfortunately, Casey ran out of money and had to sell Henderson on dBay, which was a predecessor to eBay.
According to Moonalice legend, Henderson is a Place to Call Home. We tried this out before the show and they are right. If you need to call home, Henderson is the place to be.
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According to Moonalice legend, April 10 is Henderson Appreciation Day. It’s a day to give thanks for the existence of Henderson, Nevada and all the beautiful who call this place home. For those of you who are uncertain about protocol, we recommend a ritual sacrifice of herbal cylinders.
According to Moonalice legend, on this day in 1912, the Titanic set sail from Southampton. On board that day was Angus McMoonalice, a ship’s carpenter who had helped to build the Titanic. Unfortunately, Angus got dosed at the pre-launch crew party and passed out in a closet. He came to just after the Titanic set sail from Southampton. Fortunately, the ship was due to stop in Queenstown, Ireland to pick up more passengers. Upon seeing the Irish coast, Angus yelled, “Abandon ship!”, lowered a lifeboat and got the heck out of there.
According to Moonalice legend, Tempe was originally home to a tribe called the Hohokam, who built canals to support their agriculture. History says very little about Hohokam agriculture because the Hohokam were an engineering tribe that built canals. They had tried farming in the desert and decided it was for saps. That’s when they hired Moonalice to do their farming. The Moonalices only knew how to grow one crop, but their crop was a huge success out here in the desert. Moonalice hemp drew young people from all over. That’s why they built the university here in Tempe.
According to Moonalice legend, the completion of the Roosevelt Dam in 1911 ensured enough water that Moonalice agriculture flourished here for a generation. Then came the Marihuana Tax Act of 1937. It was a huge setback for Moonalice agriculture in the Tempe area, as Hemp was the only crop that grew in the desert in those days. Without hemp to support them, it took white people a couple generations to figure out how to grow golf courses.
According to Moonalice legend, this is National Work Zone Safety Awareness week. Before every show this week, we gather our crew, sample the local product and protect ourselves in the work zone. Like armies, the tribe needs to own the high ground. If you need guidance, just talk to Big Steve.
According to Moonalice legend, April is Confederate History Month. One governor got busted for overlooking slavery. We’re going to bust them all for overlooking the role of the 420 Moonalice Signal Brigade in the War of Southern Aggression. As audiences in the former Confederacy can attest, the 420 Moonalice Signal Brigade was among the most successful brigades in the war. Specializing in smoke signs, the 420 Moonalice smoked prodigious amounts of hemp during the course of the war, saving the rebel forces at Mannassas, Fredericksburg, Macon, Savannah and Charleston, among other places. By the time they got to Appomattox, the 420 Signal Brigade was smoked out. They were totally incoherent. But did their duty to the end.
According to Moonalice legend, Flagstaff was created by white people in 1855 when Lieutenant Edward Beale stopped there as his team was cutting a road from the Rio Grande to Fort Tejon in California. They decided to strip the branches from a lodge pole pine and put a flag on top. Everything would have been fine, except that the guy who put up the flag got stuck up there. His name was Half Staff Moonalice and he had a terrible fear of heights. What with the altitude, the tree and the massive bong hits he had taken before the climb, Half Staff passed out from lack of oxygen. He’s still there.
According to Moonalice legend, the team that first came to Flagstaff was known as the Second Boston Party. This immediately set us to wondering. What happened to the first Boston Party? Dumb question. They got so wasted at the party that they never got out of Massachusetts.
According to Moonalice legend, Flagstaff was incorporated in 1928, two years after the completion of Route 66. Flagstaff’s first hotel, the Du Beau, offered garages for a better class of motorists . The gift show in the Du Beau was run by Cars Moonalice, who pioneered the sale hemp products to a better class of motorists . We understand that Cars’ great grandchildren are still active in this area.
According to the Moonalice legend, today is the Buddha’s birthday. Here’s the deal. We’re going to sing Happy Birthday, but with a twist. You have to rub your tummy while we’re singing. If you get their permission, you can rub someone else’s tummy.
According to Moonalice legend, Sebastopol was the ancestral home of Gravenstein Moonalice, a man who was unable to tell the difference between an apple and a bag of hemp. He dedicated his life to letting doctors try to figure out what was wrong with him. For thirty years before the passage of the medical marijuana laws, Gravenstein was provided with apples and hemp on a daily basis, courtesy of the government.
According to Moonalice legend, Sebastopol was home to Apple Blossom Moonalice, a tribal matriarch who transformed Moonalice culture. Apple Blossom pioneered the concept of eating dessert first. Take it from the tribe, once you’ve had dessert first you never go back.
According to Moonalice legend, Sebastopol is home to the Luther Burbank Gold Ridge Experiment Farm. Has any of you ever been to the Luther Burbank Gold Ridge Experiment Farm? Do you know what goes on there? We have never been there, but here are the facts. What they do there is secret. Do you think they put ridges on Ruffles? Maybe, but we doubt it. The farm is only 3 acres. What can you grow in three acres? There is only one crop we know that produces huge value on a farm that small. We’re just saying . . .
According to Moonalice legend, tonight’s poster depicts the late, and overweight tribal patriarch Jackie Gleason. Before he grew the unfortunate moustache, Jackie was a bus driver and Honeymooner. His abuse of Alice directly influenced the naming of this tribe, which makes tonight’s poster – by the incredible David Singer – particularly meaningful. Did Gleason enjoy hemp? As far as we’re concerned, he invented the stuff.
According to Moonalice legend, Sebastopol has the perfect climate for agriculture. It started with hemp, of course, continued with plums, then Gravenstein apples, and now grapes for wine. We want you to know that we are very impressed with your versatility, but the surgeon general recommends that move away from high sugar fruits like apples and grapes in favor of a crop that gets you high.
Benefit for the Pathway Home program for returning Iraq/Afghanistan veterans at Veterans Home of California at Yountville.
According to Moonalice legend, both the wine business and the hemp business are suffering in the Great Recession. For one thing, harvests have been so good that there is too much supply. Worse yet, consumers are trading down from premium to lesser labels. Our tribe knows nothing about wine, but we think we have figured out the right answer for hemp. Legalization is on the ballot for November!!! So here’s the deal. You help us legalize hemp and we’ll help you legalize wine!!!
According to Moonalice legend, today is Really Good Friday in the Moonalice tribe. You see, all Friday’s are Good in our tribe. But this one is special. It’s a holiday. Plus, we’re here in Yountville. That’s why we call it Really Good Friday.
According to Moonalice legend, the greatest threat facing the country is NOT the economy. It’s NOT health care. It’s NOT terrorism. It is giant poop bubbles in Indiana. I kid you not. According to Huffington Post, there is a sewage treatment plant in Indiana where huge bubbles are forming in the poop. They are the size of small houses now . . . and they are still growing. Neighbors are terrified that the poop bubbles are going to explode. Scientists believe they can deflate the bubbles without loss of life. We hope so!
According to Moonalice legend, UC Santa Cruz is home to the Grateful Dead archive. Contrary to popular belief, the archive is not a dumpster full of paper masquerading as a tax deduction. It's treasure trove waiting for anthropological study. But are you aware of the Moonalice Papers? They are more modest in scale and more functional in mission. I have a pack of 40 Moonalice papers here. Best thing is you don't need to be an anthropologist to enjoy them.
According to Moonalice legend, today is Edible Book Day. The concept of edible books is new to us, but apparently not to foodies. The festival is organized around a website - books2eat.com - where the contestants sent photos today of book-like food that they will eat tonight. We are celebrating Edible Book Day with a short story called, "Cupcake." Crystal has examples.
Today is the 53rd anniversary of the greatest April Fool's joke stunt ever on television. On this day in 1957, the BBC current affairs program Panorama aired a 3-minute segment on the record spaghetti harvest in Switzerland. They showed farmers harvesting spaghetti from spaghetti trees and giving thanks for the absence of the spaghetti weevil. This was before the pasta craze in England, so lots of people called in to find out if spaghetti trees would grow in English gardens.
According to Moonalice legend, today is the 40th anniversary of the day when tobacco companies were required to add warning labels to cigarettes. We take great comfort from the fact that no such warning label is required on hemp products.
According to Moonalice legend, Allston was home to the Boston Braves baseball team. From 1915 to 1952, the Braves were the National League francise in New England, before they bolted first for Milwaukee and then Atlanta. The Moonalice tribe loves baseball, and would have been really devastated by the Braves’ departure, except that they didn’t notice. Nope. The Moonalice tribe in those days was committed to extreme self-medication. With two teams in town and no cable TV, the Moonalices were totally confused. They thought they had double vision. Maybe there was something in their roling papers that was causing hallucinations. It was known in the tribe as the Curse of the Big Bambu.
According to Moonalice legend, Allston has never been an independent political jurisdiction. It has always been enslaved by Brighton. We feel your pain. Our tribe has had the same problem. There is not one mention of the Moonalice tribe in any history book. Is that ridiculous or what? We have been here since the beginning of time. If it weren’t for the legend, no one would know about the tribe.
According to Moonalice legend, Boston was founded in 1830 by a bunch of Pilgrims. History says they were looking for religious freedom. It makes them out to be a bunch of stuffed shirts. But did you ever wonder how they came to share a thanksgiving meal in harmony with the local tribes? Hemp. In those days, being a Puritan meant all kinds of things, but nobody had a problem with smoking hemp. It was yummy!
According to Moonalice legend, today is Weed Appreciation Day. According to the internet, today is the day gardeners are supposed to show some love to dandelions and crab grass. In the Moonalice tribe, of course, Weed Appreciation Day means something else entirely. It is a High Holy Day. We invite you to celebrate with the herbal entertainment of your choice.
According to Moonalice legend, today is the first day of Root Canal Awareness week. Now that you are aware of Root Canal, you crave anesthetic. You have come to the right place. If you’re not sure, talk to Big Steve.
According to Moonalice legend, the original funding for Dartmouth came from a Native American preacher named Samson Occam. Cool story, but it raises a question. Where did Preacher Occam get all that money? The legend knows!! It turns out that preacher Occam was friendly with the Moonalice tribe in Woodstock, VT. The Moonalice tribe had a strong commitment to higher education, so they worked with preacher Occam to make Dartmouth happen. How did they do it? Bake sales. Hemp brownies were the key.
According to Moonalice legend, Dartmouth was created "for the education and instruction of Youth of the Indian Tribes in this Land in reading, writing and all parts of Learning ... as well as in all liberal Arts and Sciences; and also of English Youth and any others." Unfortunately, no one in the Moonalice tribe was able to pass the entrance exam.
According to Moonalice legend, today is the 12th birthday of Viagra. On this day in 1851, the first white people discovered Yosemite Valley in California. The soldiers went there to beat up local tribes. What they found was paradise. They also found a small band of Moonalices smoking hemp. The soldiers surrounded the Moonalices, but were quickly overcome by hemp smoke. The soldiers immediately craved a cheeseburger in paradise. The rest, as they say, is legend.
According to Moonalice legend, skiing was invented by a member of the tribe right here in Killington. 200 years ago, this mountain was one giant hemp farm. The new United States was growing like a weed, and needed tons of hemp to support ships of sail. The harvest in 1790 was a record, going far beyond what could be sold to the sailing trade. The tribe did its best to smoke the rest, but by midwinter, they still had no solution for what to do with all the stems. That’s when a young tribe member named Outer Limits Moonalice came up with an idea. He figured that if you could use hemp to sail on water, you could use it to sail on snow. So he built himself a little sailboat and climbed to the top of Killington peak. Needless to say, the boat fell apart right away, and Outer Limits found himself screaming down the hill on a couple of hemp boards. It didn’t end well for Outer Limits, which is why thy call the place Killington.
According to Moonalice legend, Killington has an identity crisis. Originally christened Killington – due to the tragic death of Outer Limits Moonalice – the town changed its name to Sherburne in 1800 to honor Sherburne Moonalice. Pictured on today’s poster, Sherburne Moonalice invented wind-proof matches, which transformed Moonalice culture here in Vermont. And so the name remained for 199 years, until someone decided to change the name back to Killington. Apparently, the town fathers preferred celebrating the hemp-related death of Outer Limits Moonalice to the hemp-related triumph of Sherburne Moonalice. I don’t want to be critical here, but I will point out that the whole thing could have been avoided by traditional Moonalice methods: continuous inhalation of herbal entertainment until the earlier of a (1) a consensus decision or (2) unconciousness. Repeat as needed.
According to Moonalice legend, the first Dutch settlers in Brooklyn arrived to find a small band of Moonalice playing bass around a campfire. The Moonalices tribal music captivated the Europeans, who tried unsuccessfully to sing along. Being Europeans, their first question was, “how much to buy this place?” The Moonalices, being Moonalices, didn’t understand the question. Thinking it was a joke, they responded, “You can’t buy Brooklyn, but if you really want to buy something, we’d be happy to sell you our bridge to Manhattan.” In a matter of minutes, the deal was done, after which everyone shared a ceremonial spliff. It took the Dutch a while to figure out the bridge thing, but they liked the hemp and immediately sent some home to Amsterdam, where it has been popular ever since.
According to Moonalice legend, Moonalice was but one of many tribes that inhabited Brooklyn in the years before the white man came. The most famous tribe, of course, were the Hekawi. Originally known as the Fugawi – as in “where the Fugawi” – the Hekawi were comedians and whiskey merchants who went on to great fame and fortune at Fort Courage in the TV series F Troop. On their way out of town, the Hekawi threw a big party and auctioned off the stuff they didn’t need. The Moonalice’s bought the Hekawi recipe for Hemp Bagels.
According to Moonalice legend, bowling has been a pillar of Moonalice culture since just after the invention of fire. Bowling in is the #1 Olympic sport in the Moonalice tribe. Young tribe members train daily. By tradition, training starts at 4:20pm and lasts as long as the athletes remain conscious. Of course, Moonalice bowling has little in common with the European form found here. Moonalice bowling begins with the ritual loading of the bowl – which you might call a pipe – with choice hemp buds. After the ritual coin flight, the game begins when one athlete strikes a match. Each participant tries to consume the entire load of hemp in one inhale. Failure to do so results in a lower score, known as a spare. If you have any questions, please talk to Big Steve.
According to Moonalice legend, today is New Year’s Day according to the old Julian Calendar. Those Julians knew how to party.
According to Moonalice legend, the Goodyear blimp is the official bird of Redondo Beach. We have just one question: Does it taste like chicken?
According to Moonalice legend, today is the 95th anniversary of Albert Einstein’s Special Theory of Relativity. This is the one that demonstrated that the speed of light is the same for all observers regardless of the state of motion of the source. As theories in physics go, the Special Theory of Relativity is a face on Mount Rushmore. The Special Theory has been experimentally verified by many scientists, including a UC Berkeley graduate student named Ashkenaz Moonalice. Ashkenaz postulated that it is always 4:20 somewhere. The tribe has dedicated itself to proving Ashkenaz’s Special Addendum to the Special Theory of Relatively. Generations of experimentation are conclusive, but we invite you to run the experiment at your convenience.
According to Moonalice legend, Redondo Beach was home to the first all women Moonalice bass orchestra in LA County. This was back in the 20s. Thirty-seven girls, each with a four-string bass, a G-string and nothing else. They were very popular until they played a gig at the Redondo Union High School and got busted by the PTA.
According to Moonalice legend, today is the 58th anniversary of the first rock ‘n’ roll show staged by Alan Freed in Cleveland. Forty years ago, San Francisco held the 1st Earth Day. Do you know what element was common to both events? Hemp! And tonight we are gathered here together for the first. If you need any ideas about what to share, please speak to Big Steve.
According to Moonalice legend, one of the first movie companies in Hollywood was created by the local Moonalice tribe early in the 20th century. Led by DW Moonalice and Cecil B. Moonalice, Twentieth Century Hemp decided to make a film that was immersive. Back when Esther Williams was still in diapers, DW and CB put one their movies in a pool. It was not a success. It’s not just that the projector didn’t work under water, the projectionist and most of the audience got electrocuted. As you can imagine, the word of mouth was not good.
According to Moonalice legend, today is the vernal equinox. In ancient times, it was the traditional first day of planting for the hemp crop. As time went on, though, the notion of work lost its attraction. They were looking for an excuse to postpone the planting when someone pointed out that March 20 was actually a lousy day for planting because there were only 12 hours of daylight. So the tribe declared a High Holy Day and lit up a fat one. We recommend you do the same.
According to Moonalice legend, today is Snowman Burning Day. This tradition, which began in 1971 at Lake Superior State University in northern Michigan, is supposed to usher in spring through the brutal incineration of a harmless snow creature. The tribe does its best to be open minded, but we think that when you want to celebrate the coming of spring there are much better things to burn than snowmen.
According to Moonalice legend, for thousands of years Temecula has been home to a small, but influential clan of Moonalice. For reasons no modern Moonalice can appreciate, the ancient Temecula Moonalices loved both hemp AND red wine. They loved hemp and wine so much they decided to cross breed them. True to Moonalice tradition, the hope was that cross breeding would save a whole lot of effort for a tribe didn’t want to work hard. Unfortunately, the experiment was only partially successful. The wine was great – it had just a hint of rope in the finish – but the hemp was a disaster. By the time the tribe got done with the crush, the hemp tasted like last week’s gym socks.
According to Moonalice legend, the second post office in the state of California was right here in Temecula. You might reasonably ask, “Hey Chubby, how come the 2nd post office in California was right here in Temecula?” And I would answer, the post office supported the mail order business of Temecula Moonalice’s Coast-to-Coast Hemp Catalog, which burst onto the scene on April 22, 1859. With hemp products ranging from paper to fabric to rope to entertainment, the catalog prospered for about six hours, until 4:20 that first afternoon, when the employees consumed so much inventory that they decided that California was not ready for mail order.
According to Moonalice legend, Temecula was home to Erle Stanley Gardner, creator of Perry Mason. Gardner apparently wrote 100 Perry Mason novels here, including the never-published Case of the Mysterious Moonalice Munchies, wherein Della Street buys some special brownies at a Moonalice bake sale and shares them with Perry and Lieutenant Tragg. Alone among Mason thrillers, this one had no murders. Della, Perry, and Tragg spend the entire book driving around LA looking for a donut shop.
According to Wikipedia, on this day in 1915, astronomers took the first photo of Pluto, but did not recognize it as a planet. According to Moonalice legend, they recognized it as Mickey Mouse’s dog.
According to Moonalice legend, history books tell you all about the migration of swallows to San Juan Capistrano, but no one has ever explained why they come here instead of somewhere else. Fortunately, the Moonalice legend has the answer. The swallows came here for the same reason that missionaries did: for the hemp. In the centuries before Europeans arrived, Moonalice hippies grew their finest hemp along the coastline here. Swallows from Argentina made their seasonal migration to enable their young grow up in a hemp-rich environment. Unfortunately the missionaries did not share the swallows’ or Moonalices’ enthusiasm for hemp. They built a mission here and put an end to hemp nonsense. Apparently Moonalice and the swallows are endlessly optimistic. Tonight we are here for the first time. If all goes well tonight, the swallows will be here tomorrow.
According to Moonalice legend, the first Zorro story was set in San Juan Capistrano. Zorro is a great figure in Moonalice legend. Our tribe loves pirates, the Johnny Depp kind of pirates, and Zorro was a land pirate. While we aspire to Zorro-ness, we identify more with Sergeant Garcia, the TV show’s clueless foil. Sergeant Garcia was part Moonalice and was known for the prodigious amounts of hemp he consumed. What we can’t understand is where he got his weight problem and cluelessness.
According to Moonalice legend, today is Awkward Moments Day. It’s embarrassing, but I don’t know what to say.
According to Moonalice legend, today is the 51st anniversary of President Eisenhower signing into law the statehood of Hawaii. We think the statehood of Alaska and Hawaii make President Eisenhower one of the great presidents of all time. No president ever did more to expand America’s vacation land!!!
According to Moonalice legend, the name Orange County is the result of a massive cover-up. As shown on tonight’s incredible poster by David Singer, this entire area was a bountiful Moonalice hemp farm for centuries before the Europeans arrived. In those days, the Moonalice name for this area was Green County. Sadly, the missionaries just didn’t appreciate the benefits of hemp over oranges. They just preferred a brighter color.
According to Moonalice legend, the name Orange County is a cover-up. In the old days before the missionaries, oranges were not an important crop. The only crop that mattered was hemp. And the place was called Green County back then . . . but the missionaries put an end to that.
According to Moonalice legend, Fairfax was home to the summer palace of Queen of Hearts Moonalice. As you can see on tonight’s poster, Queen of Hearts lived on the highest hillside in Fairfax with a view of the water. Close inspection of the poster suggests that the bay view may be a figment of someone’s imagination. Is there a bay view in Fairfax? Nobody knows. In which case, the view must be the product of one pill. If not one pill, then different one pill.
According to Moonalice legend, Queen of Hearts Moonalice had several employees at her palace in Fairfax. Our favorites were Tweedledum Moonalice and his twin sister, Tweedledee. Tweedledum and Tweedledee were Thai-stick twins. Unlike Siamese twins, Thai-stick twins are not physically connected. Their connection is spiritual. Each needs the other for a complete life. In this case, Tweedledum inhaled and Tweedledee exhaled. This relationship was blatantly unfair to Tweedledee, as her brother got most of the buzz. But Tweedledee got back at Tweedledum by power booting all over him the first time they tried peyote buttons.
According to Moonalice legend, March is National Noodle Month. This is the time of year when all in the Moonalice tribe give thanks to the Flying Spaghetti Monster. We thank him or her for keeping us all firmly attached to the ground. We thank him for his tasty meatballs and noodley goodness. And we thank him for the fantastic hemp products that make us crave a meal of spaghetti and meatballs. RAmen.
According to Moonalice legend, as of midnight it is now March 14. This is significant to the tribe for two reasons. For one thing, it is the shortest day of the year. Booo! At 2am, we all leap forward an hour. But March 14 is also Pi Day: 3.14. And in two hours – at 1:59 am – it will be the Pi minute. That is precisely the minute before we leap forward. Coincidence? We think not! As is our custom, we will now celebrate Pi Day in the traditional Moonalice way, with apple pie.
According to Moonalice legend, the word "Nevada" means "snow capped" . . . so Nevada City means Snow Capped City. The town next door, Grass Valley, is home to the Moonalice tribe lived. As you know, the rivalry between snow and grass goes back a long time. We think it's time to declare a truce. That's why we went to Nevada City.
According to Moonalice legend, Auburn figures prominently in the Moonalice legend. This should come as a surprise to no one. In 1849, three French guys found gold here. Using the placer mining technique, they found enough gold to get rich. Their success attracted others, some of whom were not actually mining for gold. One of these was a young man named Endurance Moonalice. Endurance was a nice boy, but he was eight lids short of a pound. He was convinced that he could use placer mining techniques to find hemp seeds. He worked his claim 24 by 7 for twenty-five years. Every once in a while, he found some seeds, all of which were placed there by Moonalice tribe members who took pity on the poor boy. The town of Auburn also took pity; that’s how the Auburn State Recreation Area became the Endurance capital of the world.
According to Moonalice legend – and the map we looked at – the town just east of Auburn is called Cool. That means that Auburn is to the left of Cool. That’s why we’re here; we always want to be to the left of Cool.
According to Moonalice legend, Auburn was home to Ikeda Moonalice, a tribal matriarch who specialized in pies. Like the Sirens of Scilla and Charybdis, Ikeda’s pies have lured unsuspecting visitors to Auburn and then added inches to their waist lines without them knowing. Have you ever wondered how she did this? She used hemp butter in her crust, which caused customers to eat the whole pie. Works every time.
According to Moonalice legend, March is National Caffeine Awareness Month. For those of you who are not aware of caffeine, it’s a legal stimulant found in tea, coffee, some soft drinks, and our very own Howling Monkey Energizing Elixer. The tribe considers caffeine to be a food group.
According to Moonalice legend, today is the birthday of Rob Reiner, Mary Wilson of the Supremes and David Gilmour of Pink Floyd. It’s also independence day in Ghana. Anyone here from Ghana? No problem! The tribe will celebrate anyway!!!
According to Moonalice legend, tonight’s poster depicts the beautiful matriarch Ashkenaz Moonalice, who led the tribe in Berkeley at the turn of the 20th century. Ashkenaz’s ground breaking PhD thesis postulated and then proved that it’s always 4:20 somewhere . . . which transformed Moonalice culture in this area. Ashkenaz bore a striking resemblance to the Russian ballerina Anna Pavlova. Like Pavlova, Ashkenaz always reacted to ringing bells. Where Pavlova answered bells by eating food, Ashkenaz always lit up first. The tribe followed suit. Before long, bells rang all the time here in Berkeley. If you listen carefully, you can still hear them.
According to Moonalice legend, Berkeley was home to the Free Speech Movement. When the University banned distribution of political literature in 1964, students responded with huge protests. The tribe thought the protests were cool, but after a while they got tired of listening to long speeches. This led to the Dime Speech Movement. The tribe continued to support the protest movement – and would sit through speeches that lasted all day – but they insisted the speaker bring a dime bag for the audience to share. This important innovation quickly led to Hunter Thompson.
According to Moonalice legend, on this day in 1801, The District of Columbia Organic Act became law. This was the first legislation to anticipate the need to protect hemp consumers from the damaging effects of pesticides and chemical fertilizer.
According to Moonalice legend, on this day in 1964, the Italian government made an international plea for help to prevent the leaning tower of Pisa from falling over. When asked to comment the local Moonalice chief spoke the words on every tribe member’s mind when he asked, “Anybody see my stash bag?”
According to Moonalice legend, tonight’s poster features Golden Delicious Moonalice, the first matriarch to live in Applegate. Golden Delicious was a prodigious cultivator of hemp entertainment products. Her strain had special properties. As you can see from the poster, the smoke was like spaghetti . . . it stayed in the air. This meant anyone who needed a buzz could go where Golden Delicious had been and enjoy the finest second hand smoke known to the tribe. We are told that there are still traces of Golden Delicious Moonalice around here, so keep your eyes peeled.
According to Moonalice legend, today is the 52nd birthday of the Peace symbol. Created by Gerald Holtom for the Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament, the symbol has fought the good fight. Unfortunately, the US has fought at least six wars since 1958 and has made only half hearted attempts to eliminate nuclear weapons. The tribe remains optimistic, however, that we can get rid of nukes before the Peace symbol qualifies for social security.
According to Moonalice legend, today is the 39th anniversary of the Convention on Psychotropic Substances. A convention on psychotropic substances sounds like fun to us, but this one was just the opposite. It was a UN meeting in Geneva, Switzerland where the delegates outlawed entertainment that they had never tried. We have only one thing to say to this: fffttt.
According to Moonalice legend, on this day in 1937 Waldo Waterman made the first successful flight in a flying car. The Waterman Whatsit was a swept wing, tail-less airplane designed to land on a city street. The goal was to make the Model T of airplanes and Waldo worked on it from 1991 to 1937 before he got the Whatsit off the ground. His idea with the flying car was to get backseat lovers off the streets and into the Mile High club. Incredibly Waldo’s Whatsit actually worked. It never landed here in Applegate, but two of them did fly across the country. After that, they were used for dusting the hemp crop in Northern California.
According to Moonalice legend – and Wikipedia – Eugene is the undisputed grass seed capital of the world . The tribe thanks you.
According to Moonalice legend, today is February 20th – 2/20. We realized that if it’s 2/20 here, it must be 4/20 somewhere. We consulted the legend and discovered that our instincts were correct. When it’s February 20 here, it’s April 20 in the central time zone. Given the winter they have had, a spring day would be welcome. At midnight, the central time zone will return to its regularly scheduled blizzard.
According to Moonalice legend, tonight’s poster shows the High wire act of John Henry Wallenda Moonalice. John Henry popular because he got higher than any other high wire performer . . . and he shared. The HIGHlight of his act was a cartwheel that he did off the wire. The key to the cartwheel was the landing. Apparently John Henry did the cartwheel only once. Fortunately, we caught it in this poster.
According to Moonalice legend, today is Hoodie-Hoo day. This is a day to fight the blues and welcome the approach of spring. You were supposed to go outside at noon, wave your hands above your head and chant “Hoodie-Hoo!” It’s guaranteed to make you feel good. Let me see a show of hands. How many here were NOT aware of Hoodie Hoo day? I have good news for you! We can go back in time!!! All we have to do is declare Moonalice Standard Time and we can go back to any time we like. Are you ready to chant Hoodie-Hoo? Okay. 3 - 2 - 1 ... It’s NOON! Hoodie-hoo!!
According to Moonalice legend, today is Temporary Insanity Day. It is the anniversary of the first successful temporary insanity defense against a murder charge. It should surprise no one to learn that the defendant was a member of Congress, Daniel Sickles, who killed his wife’s lover in the park across from the White House. The lover was the district attorney of the District of Columbia; who turned out to be the son of Francis Scott Key. Sickle the proto-OJ got off with the temporary insanity defense. He went on to fame and infamy in the Civil War. As a general at Gettysburg, he disobeyed orders and moved his corps to position at which it was crushed by the Confederates. Sickles lost his leg to a cannon ball at Gettysburg, but survived the war to live a long and productive life. What is the lesson here? The Moonalice legend suggests that you decide for yourself.
According to Moonalice legend, today is the 122nd anniversary of Thomas Edison’s patent filing for the phonograph. Think about all the amazing things enabled by that invention. The phonograph transformed music, offering unimaginable leverage to musicians. It has also changed the world in a few less well known ways. Right here in Bend, a young tribe member named Billiken Moonaice used the phonograph as a centrifuge to clean the seeds from his hemp. Billiken, who is pictured here, was great great grandfather to a brilliant Moonalice Matriarch named Sisters Moonalice. She was the person who figured out that the spindle adapter for a 45 rpm record could be used as a roach clip.
According to Moonalice legend, the best thing about the Winter Olympics is women’s curling. It’s a game of finesse and strategy played by people who know what they are doing and look funny while they are doing it. The game is played with a stone. One of the members of the US team is named Pottinger. Winner has to buy drinks for the loser. Our kind of game.
According to Moonalice legend, today is the anniversary of the day when the first rescuers reached the Donner Party. They brought dessert.
According to Wikipedia, Portland has more breweries – 28 – than any other city in America. On top of that, the Willamette Valley is one of the leading regions for growing hops in America. Well according to Moonalice legend, this beer and hops stuff is all well and good, but it’s just a cover story. You guys don’t want anyone to know about the amazing hemp products you grow here. We understand your caution, but it’s time to come out of the closet. Any state that is enlightened enough to let terminally ill citizens end their lives doesn’t need to be shy about products that enable terminally healthy citizens to make the most of every day.
According to Moonalice legend, the greatest of all Winter Olympics sports is curling. It is the official spectator sport of the Moonalice band. If you haven’t seen any on TV, we strongly recommend it. Curling is game of strategy and finesse played by men who are pudgy and women who are often beautiful. It is a drinking game – winner buys – but we note a clear connection to the Moonalice tribe. The thing you throw in curling is called a stone. Also, it is one of the few competitive sports where men and women can play together. It is our understanding that in mixed games, the winner buys both drinks and dinner. What happens after that is a mystery.
According to Moonalice legend, February is National Marijuana Awareness Month. It is also National Condom Month and Spunky Old Broads Month. This is obviously a great time of year for Spunky Old Broads with a bag of weed and box of condoms.
According to Moonalice legend, today is the 80th anniversary of the day when Elm Farm Ollie became the first cow to fly in an airplane. She was also the first cow to be milked in a plane, producing an impressive 24 quarts in her first flight, which went 72 miles. They sealed the milk in containers and dropped them via parachute to thirsty cereal eaters on the ground below.
According to Moonalice legend, the first European settlers in the Seattle area were known as the Denny Party. Unlike their cousins, the Donner Party, the Denny Party preferred a traditional breakfast of eggs, bacon, toast and coffee, which they called a Grand Slam. They got here in the 1850s and immediately christened the place, New York-Alki. Alki was the Chinook word for by-and-by. The local Moonalice tribe liked the Denny Party. In particular, they were big fans of breakfast. But as aficianadoes of hemp, they had a problem with all things Alki. They spent years trying to persuade the Dennys to rename the place New York-Sativa. In the end, they gave up and named it after an Indian chief.
According to Moonalice legend, downtown Seattle burned to the ground in a massive fire in 1889. Moonalice legend suggests that the fire started at 4:20pm when two young Moonalices dropped burning embers from their doobie on a pile of hay. The tribe always felt guilty about that. Until today. We just found out that the fire had been burning for nearly two hours at 4:20pm, and that it had started when a guy in a furniture shop set a vat of glue on fire. Let that be a warning to you. Glue is dangerous. Stick to hemp products.
According to Moonalice legend, yesterday was the 30th anniversary of Ann’s and my first date. We got off to an excellent start: it was a Jerry Garcia Band show at the University of New Haven Gym in New Haven, CT. I remember the smoke being thick that night. Marrying Ann was the Best decision I ever made. Jerry only lasted 15 years, but we are still rocking after 30.
According to Moonalice legend, the weather in the Seattle area is suboptimal for the cultivation of hemp. Apparently it rains a bit here. No matter. A local member of the tribe by the name of Windows Moonalice figured out a solution. He invented grow lights. Unfortunately, he also invented artificial turf, which he called Astro-hemp, but that was less successful. Two puffs and there was no point in calling a doctor. The best you could do was to call a lawyer who specializes in mesothelioma.
According to Moonalice legend, today is the 77th anniversary of the Blaine Act, which was the beginning of the end of the Prohibition of alcohol in the United States. Unfortunately, enlightenment lasted only four years, until the passage of the Marihuana Tax Act of 1937. Fortunately, the tribe pays no attention. Welcome to our world.
