Other acts: Tea Leaf Green

According to Moonalice legend, New Year’s Eve lived in a garden with a guy named New Year’s Adam. Things were cool until they started eating fruit. No one knows why fruit was a problem, so the tribe isn’t taking any chances. Moonalice favors vegetable products.

According to Moonalice legend, the year 420 figured prominently in the early history of the tribe. December 30 of that year saw the discovery of inhaling by the matriarch Morning Glory Moonalice. The discovery immediately triggered a domino effect, the first step of which occurred the next day when Morning Glory taught the tribe to inhale at the annual year end gig. Everyone got wasted. And so began New Year’s Eve, a tribal tradition that carries on to the present day.

According to Moonalice legend, the tribe revolves around its women. Females hold the key to happiness, both for the tribe and its agricultural products. So if you want to be happy, take care of the females in your life. If your buzz has gotten the better of you, we remind you that you should only use your lighter on females of the hemp variety.

Other acts: Supporting Marshall Tucker Band

According to Wikipedia, the Chumash Indians were the first native tribe in the region now known as Los Angeles. According to Moonalice legend, our tribe was here way before the Chumash, but kept a low profile. Don’t believe me? How else can you explain the name the Chumash gave this area? They called it Valley of Smoke. You can look it up.

According to Moonalice legend, tribal agriculture flourished in the area now known as Hollywood. Which is why the tribe called the place Hempwood. They even had a big sign on the hill. Unfortunately, there was a drought in 1885 and somebody smoked the sign. Then the white man came and changed the town’s name. Try as they might, the Moonalice tribe could not keep pace. In 1910, the tribe tried its hand at movie making. Being Moonalice, they focused on low tones, producing the first talkie, which they called “Bud of a Nation”. Unfortunately, the tribe never filmed any images, so the movie was totally black. This was good for smooching and smoking hemp products, but did not catch on broadly. Then the tribe tried its hand at the Chinese Theater business. They opened up on Hollywood Boulevard with a really cool attraction: they put actors’ names on stars and used them as targets in the toilets. The Moonalice Chinese Theater was moderately popular with tourists until Graumann’s opened up across the street. The rest, as they say, is legend.

According to Moonalice legend, on this day in the year 420, the matriarch Morning Glory Moonalice invented inhaling. For all intents and purposes, she changed the course of civilization, making possible not only the 1960s, but also Reefer Madness, Bill Clinton and several generations of disingenuous politicians.

Birthday salutes to Mike Nesmith and Davy Jones of the Monkees, Sandy Koufax, Tiger Woods, and Heidi Fleiss!

Other acts: Opening for Leon Russell

According to Moonalice legend, back when this area was known as Yerba Buena, the tribe was led by a brilliant matriarch named Cassandra Moonalice. Cassandra could predict the future. She predicted the 1906 earthquake. She predicted the Crashes of 1929 and Pearl Harbor. She knew that there would be no rapture at the millennium; instead she predicted a village idiot from Texas would be elected president. Cassandra recorded her predictions on hemp paper and put them in the tribal library.

So why didn’t we know about Cassandra’s predictions? They went up in smoke. In classic Moonalice tradition, Cassandra’s descendants used the records as rolling papers.

According to Moonalice legend, a journey of a thousand miles begins with the careful preparation of adequate supplies of hemp.

According to Moonalice legend, Humboldt Bay has long been protected by a special tribal force. Wikipedia tells us that European exploration of this part of the Pacific coast began as early as 1579, but repeatedly missed definitively locating Humboldt Bay for nearly three hundred years. Wikipedia believes this was due to a combination of geographic features, often aided by weather conditions, which concealed the narrow entrance from view. The bay was not definitively known by Europeans until an 1849 overland exploration provided a reliable accounting of the exact location of what is the second largest bay in California. After 300 years of searching, it’s no wonder they called the place Eureka.

Was the problem really weather? Of course not. The Legend tells us that the tribe protected the Bay in its own special way. In retrospect, it’s really obvious. Europeans couldn’t find Humboldt Bay because it was always shrouded by smoke. Hemp smoke. You can look it up.

According to Moonalice legend, census statistics are an excellent source of entertainment. For example, Wikipedia says The 2000 U.S. Census indicates that 3.7% of the employed civilian population 16 years and over worked in agriculture, forestry, fishing, and hunting industries. Wikipedia says this percentage may not be indicative of the actual number of people in these professions as many are self-employed. We suspect that this is particularly true in agriculture.

According to Moonalice legend, the pointy rocks you see along the coast around here and up into Oregon are called coprolites, which is a fancy word for petrified poop. Who poops like that, I hear you ask? They were left by the goddess Moonalice, on her first visit to earth. The goddess arrived in the west coast a couple millennia ago and found a native tribe cultivating hemp. Before dinner, she took a few puffs of the local crop and immediately fell victim to an intergalactic case of the munchies. The results were predictable and the evidence can be found up and down the coast.

What’s the story with the Humboldt Botanical Garden? According to Moonalice, It may be a code word, as in "I'm going to the Humbolt (wink) Botanical (wink, wink) Garden (wink, wink, wink). Wanna join me?" For all we know, someone convened a chapter of the Garden right there at the show.

Number of bass players: 5

According to Moonalice legend, Coos Bay has always been tough on shipping. History speaks loudly about the wreck of the New Carissa in 1999. The ship had no cargo when it ran aground, but it broke up, spilling a buttload of oil into the Bay. What History doesn’t tell you is the story of the Old Carissa. But, we found it deep in the Legend. It makes the New Carissa look like a Disney movie.

Way back before the white man came, there was a small Moonalice settlement here in Coos Bay. It was a seasonal settlement of Moonalice nomads – known as bands. They played gigs here all summer. The problem is that it was a resort gig. There were no hippies around in those days and the bands weren’t in a position to grow their own. They were totally dependent on shipments from Northern California that came in by sea. One year, bad weather plagued the Oregon coast all summer, preventing the resupply of Coos Bay. Finally, the tribe sent its best boat, a giant dinghy called the Old Carissa.

They loaded the Old Carissa with bale upon bale of their best bud. A huge storm hit the dinghy as it approached Coos Bay. The crew battled valiantly, but were powerless against hurricane-force winds and high seas. In the end the Old Carissa sank with all hands and the entire load of bud. The tragedy was compounded when the bands of Coos Bay all died from withdrawal.

According to Moonalice legend, December 5 is a High Holy Day in the tribe. We call it Wet Day because on this day in 1933, Prohibition ended! Believe it or not, Utah was the 36th state and final state to approve the 21st Amendment to the Constitution. We encourage celebration with the agricultural products of your choice.

According to Moonalice legend, on this day in 1893 the first electric car was introduced. Sadly, it took more than a century to get the auto industry into the electric car business.

Happy Birthday to Little Richard!

Number of bass players: 5

According to Moonalice legend, Applegate has long been a hotbed of tribal activity. Wikipedia says that Applegate “was probably named for Lindsay Applegate, who, along with his brothers Jesse and Charles, explored the Applegate Valley via the Applegate Trail.”

Do you believe that? We didn’t think so. Fortunately, the legend reveals the true story. A long, long time ago, the Moonalice tribe lived in this area. They cultivated the tribal herb in mass quantities and called this place, “Hempgate.” That’s what it was called until the first white men came. They turned out to be a bunch of third-rate burglers who called the place, “Watergate.” They gave way to a bunch of miners who called it, “Golden Gate.” After that, we lost track. That’s when Lindsay, Jesse, and Charles showed up.

According to Moonalice legend (and Oscar Wilde), if you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you. This helps to explain why politicians don’t need to be comedians, but musicians do.

According to Moonalice legend (and Mark Twain), you should be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

With Duke Davis on sax, and Mike Stevens on trumpet.

Other acts: New Riders of the Purple Sage

According to Moonalice legend, the shellfish business never prospered in the area now known as Portland. Apparently, it’s too close to a volcano. For reasons that no one can explain, Hardwood thinks this is significant.

According to Moonalice legend, the 1845 coin flip that gave Portland its name only happened because of an injustice against the tribe. In the early 1800s, the first settlement in this area was known as The Clearing. Any idea how it got that name? Because the white people came in early December. What looked like a clearing was actually a fallow field. A hemp field of the local Moonalice tribe, to be precise. Imagine the surprise and chagrin of the Moonalice tribe members when planting time came around and there were white people living in their field. Bummer.

According to Moonalice legend, Salem, OR is exactly half way between the equator and the North Pole. The worst thing about it is that they are stuck there.

Other acts: New Riders of the Purple Sage, Ken Babbs & The Pranksters

According to Moonalice legend, tribe members in Eugene walk like a duck. They talk like a duck. However, unlike most Ducks around here, Moonalice tribe members do not beat up on Beavers. After all Moonalice is a matriarchy.

According to Moonalice legend, December 2nd is Stems & Seeds Day. Traditionally, it’s the day when the tribe cleans out the ol’ stash box to make room for freshly cured product from the new crop. As usual in the tribe, Stems & Seeds Day began by accident back on December 2, 1928. A ne’er-do-well bass player by the name of Blind Kumquat Moonalice was driving his Model T from St. Louis to Chicago with his bass and a trunk full of hemp buds. Blind Kumquat stubbornly refused to ask directions, which is dumb in any driver, but particularly so in a blind driver. He made a wrong turn, kept going for a week, and found himself right here in Eugene. By then, his trunk was empty.

Not knowing where he was, Blind Kumquat parked the car and pulled out his bass. He played a few songs for the local Moonalice hippies, but the music was no better than his driving. After a few minutes, the hippies suggested a ceremonial smoke. Blind Kumquat smoked up a storm and wound up coughing his lungs out. He didn’t pass out until the hippies’ stash box was cleaned out. With lots of room for fresh herb and no more music from Blind Kumquat, the tribe declared a high holy day.

According to Moonalice legend, it took the tribe a while to figure out how to smoke hemp properly. I bring this up for two reasons. First, because I understand some of you may be looking for instruction. And second, because the breakthrough occurred right here in Petaluma.

In the old days, the tribe didn’t smoke hemp. They put a nice fat bud on stick and roasted it over a fire. They would set bud to flaming and then pop in their mouths. Just like marshmallows, only painful.

Along came Zigzag Moonalice. Zigzag was the most beautiful teenager in the tribe. She was also the smartest. But she had a mean streak. So she figures out she would play a trick on everyone by using a hollow reed instead of a stick to toast the bud. Her plan was to inhale through the reed, reduce the bud to ash . . . and then put it in the mouth of one of the many boys she had twisted around her pinkie. Only one problem. While inhaling, she got buzzed in a way no Moonalice had ever been buzzed before. She turned into a total sweetheart. Instead of sharing the ash, she shared her new invention. The tribe immediately made her matriarch. She has been revered ever since, immortalized on smoking products the world around. The rest, as they say, is Legend.

According to Moonalice legend, no guts, not glory. Also no pain. The tribe doesn’t believe in that stuff. We have music and hemp instead.

According to Moonalice legend, a lot of what you read about Thanksgiving is wrong. We like Pilgrims as much as the next tribe, but they didn’t invent Thanksgiving. They merely exploited it.

The first sentence in the Wikipedia entry for Thanksgiving says “Thanksgiving Day is a harvest festival.” That is the first clue, but the Legend tells us more. A long, long time ago, a small Moonalice enclave in what is present-day San Francisco had a tradition of cooking extravagant meals for High Holy Days. Unfortunately, different families controlled each holiday. The guy who had the last harvest festival in November was a really nice guy, but a lousy cook. His name was Butterball Moonalice and he was determined to invent a system that told you when your food was done without you having to watch it. For many years, he experimented with hemp seeds, using their popping as the signal. Butterball added a few seeds each time, but it was never enough. Year after year, the turkey burned to a crisp. Butterball’s tribe was patient, but eventually they told Butterball to try something else. So he used gunpowder. When the Turkey blew up, it took Butterball with it.

The tribe didn’t have dinner that year, but at least they had something to look forward to. And they called it Thanksgiving.

According to Moonalice legend, the day after Thanksgiving is known as The Day After Thanksgiving. Traditionally, the tribe stays home and consumes mass quantities of hemp.

According to Moonalice legend, when your bowl is filled with the good stuff, you smoke it. But when your bowl is completely full of shit, call Joe the Plummer.

According to Moonalice legend, the area around Live Oak, Florida has been home to native tribes going back a very long time. How long? When the first Moonalice tribe members showed up, the place was called Little Acorn. Unfortunately, the tribe proved to be allergic to Spanish moss. No matter how the tribe cured it, Spanish moss provided an unsatisfactory smoking experience. All cough, no buzz. And so the tribe left this area to the Seminoles and the white men. Y’all have done a fine job with it!

According to Moonalice legend, most members of the tribe maintain their amateur status. One exception, however, comes when the going gets weird. When the going gets weird, the whole tribe turns pro. Thanks to the election campaign, the tribe’s pro status has come in very handy. One party is talking about Pro Americans, and we’re here to answer the call. We’re Americans and we’re pros. Put us in coach!

According to Moonalice legend, Florida has always been a magnet for the tribe. From the dawn of time, Moonalice tribes got the brochures and treated them like sacred tablets. They revered the pictures of white sand beaches, orange groves, and the Everglades. But the real magnet was sunshine. Sunshine makes hemp grow, which was the tribe needed to know. They wanted sunshine in all its forms. Nature’s Sunshine. Liquid Sunshine. Orange Sunshine. Magnolia Sunshine. It’s all at Magnolia Fest. And so were we.

According to Moonalice legend, the first Moonalice tribes that headed south for the winter never reached Florida. They got lost in Okefenokee Swamp, which at the time was crawling with dinosaurs, snakes, and really creepy bugs. Fortunately, it was also filled with outrageous strains of hemp and some really interesting mushrooms. It took thousands of years before the tribe finally made it to Florida, but when they did they brought their hemp and mushrooms with them. The rest, as they say, is legend.

Other acts: Boz Scaggs, The Wronglers

According to Moonalice legend, twenty is the new black.

The Slim's 20th Anniversary Celebration was not a Moonalice gig. Pete, Jim, Ann & Roger were there for a four song acoustic set, playing as Waxing Gibbous Moonalice. For those of you who don't pay close attention to the phases of the moon, waxing gibbous is the stage before the full moon when two-thirds of Earth's little cousin is showing. Chris Collins, who plays with Big Brother, joined us on lead guitar.

According to Moonalice legend, when someone says jump, you answer, “how high?” and then take another hit.

According to Moonalice legend, harvest season is a time for a little hard work and lots of celebration. The Moonalice tribe has never been ambitious. It certainly doesn’t like hard work. As a result, the heavy lifting of the harvest is – by tribal tradition – confined to a single weekend, known as Labor Day Weekend. Once the crop has been brought in from the fields, there is still lots of drying and curing, but that doesn’t stop the tribe from celebrating. The hippies supply the hemp, the bands supply the music. We’re the band. We hope you guys are the hippies.

According to Moonalice legend, the original harvest festival was the result of an industrial accident. A few thousand years ago, Moonalice agriculture was still primitive, and they typically dried the crop in the field. One tribe member was assigned the job of watching over the crop. This particular Moonalice tribe made the mistake of assigning Screwloose Moonalice to this important security position. Ol’ Screwloose had the IQ of lug nut and started playing with matches. Next thing you know, he set the crop on fire. The Tribe rushed into the field to try to stomp out the flames, which turned out to be a whole lot of fun. Everybody got totally wasted, but they saved enough of the crop to call the day a success. And so began the custom of burning a whole lot of hemp at harvest time.

According to Moonalice legend, fall foliage is nature’s version of the lava lamp. It provides tribe members with something to stare at as they slip into unconsciousness.

According to Moonalice legend, Woodstock was a fake. The festival came a month after Neil Armstrong's walk on the moon and was recorded on the same soundstage in Arizona. We raise this because the bus went by the Bethel Music Museum, which purports to be the site of Woodstock.

The festival took place in the only place in America where a teenager can learn trapeze.

According to Moonalice legend, the tribe in eastern Massachusetts was a leader in Moonalice architecture and design. To protect against cold winters, the tribe shifted from burning bails of hemp in the fireplace to a furnace. They called it central hemping. The one drawback relative to the old fireplace was the lack of smoke. Forty Whacks Moonalice, who lived near Fall River, perfected central hemp by adding copper pipes to distribute smoke to every room. You accessed it through hookah tubes that plugged into the wall. As you can imagine, Forty Whacks’ central hemp system became a key selling feature in Moonalice homes.

According to Moonalice legend, the tribe had a relatively small presence in Fall River in the 19th century. No one in the tribe could afford the real estate in Fall River, so the few Moonalices in town generally worked as servants to rich people or day laborers.

Do you remember what happened in Fall River on the morning of August 4 1892? Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. And when she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one.

Great rhyme, but bad facts. Mrs. Borden had received only 18 whacks, while Lizzie’s father got 11. But the nursery rhyme is not really about the murders.

We consulted the Moonalice legend and got a bit of clarity. The Borden family was well-to-do, and Lizzie decided to give her family the luxury of central hemp. She hired Forty Whacks Moonalice and his son Forty-One to install the system, which they were doing down in the basement on the morning of August 4, 1892. Both were passed out cold, which was a common occurrence during the installation and adjustment of central hemp systems. So Forty Whacks and Forty-One missed the murders. However, Moonalice legend suggests that the hatchet wounds were probably self-inflicted.

According to Moonalice legend, October 10 is World Mental Health Day. We recommend you celebrate by losing your mind. We celebrated by going to the LIzzie Borden house. There was a wedding there. We kid you not. Bride in white. Groom in tux with corsage. White stretch. Ghosts of the Mr. and Mrs. Borden.

According to Moonalice legend, today is Party Foundation Party Day . . . in North Korea. Moonalice has always believed in redundancy, particularly when it comes to parties.

According to ancient Moonalice legend, there was once a holy shrine called Wow! It was supposed to be some kind of giant double-barreled hookah with magical powers. While the existence of Wow! has not been proved, the city of Fall River has a life sized replica.

A momentous record at this show: 5 different bass players!!!

Number of bass players: 5!

According to Moonalice legend, the tribe played a little known role in saving the Continental Army at Valley Forge in the winter of 1777-78. Under the command of noted hemp farmer George Washington, the Army made camp in Valley Forge with hopelessly inadequate supplies and training. As a result, 2,000 soldiers died of disease over the course of a normal Pennsylvania winter. Yet somehow the Army emerged in the spring of 1778 as a first-rate fighting force. How did that happen? History credits Baron Freiderich Wilhelm von Steuben, a Prussian offer who trained the soldiers. What history doesn’t properly explain is how Steuben did it. Fortunately, the Moonalice legend fills in the holes in the story.

Steuben was unusual for a European officer in that he understood and worked directly with enlisted men. He understood how to motivate them. He eschewed traditional methods, such as the cat o’ nine tails and the firing squad. Instead, he used metaphorical carrots. Actually, the substance underlying the metaphor was hemp. George Washington’s hemp.

To reward the troops for a job well done, Steuben initiated a ceremony that the French later named the “feu to joie.” The translation is Fire of Joy. The French used it to refer to a parade-ground salute with hundreds of musket shots. Steuben's version used hemp and matches. Whose approach do you think was more effective?

According to Moonalice legend, you can’t get there from here. We recommend that you enjoy the herbal products of your choice and then go somewhere else.

According to Moonalice legend, October 9 has been a date with ups and downs. Exactly 1005 years ago, Leif Ericksson first landed in North America. Leif was into Viking entertainment. The local Moonalice tribe was open minded, but chose not to join in. So Leif had a few hits of the local herb and then went home. In 1919, the Black Sox “lost” the World Series, leading to an ugly scandal and a premature end to the career of Joe Jackson, a Moonalice on his mother’s side whose refusal to use footwear prevented him from getting a Nike contract. The fact that he left the game in disgrace 50 years before Nike may also have been a factor. The weirdest event of all came in 1992, when a 13-kilogram fragment of the Peekskill meteorite landed in the driveway of a family named K----, destroying their 1980 Chevy Malibu. It could have been worse, the meteor just missed the barn where the K----s were curing their hemp harvest.

In India, today is Vijayadashami. (Vee-jay-a-da-shami), which celebrates the triumph of good over evil. In this country, we will celebrate this on November 5.

According to Moonalice legend, when tribal matriarchs moved on to the Happy Hemp Ground, the were buried with their most valued possession. For most Moonmamas, that prized possession was often an enormous ceremonial bong. Depending on the size of the bong, the resulting burial site could be anything from a hump to a mound to the astonishing Mt. Trashmore in Virginia.

I bring this up because the first sentence in the History of Columbus in Wikipedia describes “evidence of ancient mound-building societies” right in the middle of what is now Columbus. This was news to us, so we consulted the Moonalice legend.

The story is incredible. When the Moonalice tribe settled in this area – about 1,000 year ago – they built an advanced civilization. One of the quirks, though, is that every member of tribe lived in his or her own home. The houses were tiny, but every one of them had running water and central hemp. So when a tribe member died, the family just buried the whole house. You can still feel the vibe on Mound Street.

According to Moonalice legend, if you consume enough hemp products you can see Russia from HERE.

According to Moonalice legend, many members of the tribe worked on the Underground Railroad. One of the most famous was Zippo Moonalice, who had a long career as a fireman on the railroad. Zippo grew up in Columbus, and got his start as a gardener at the Kelton House Underground Railroad terminal. Zippo’s job was to keep his engine’s potboiler running at full intensity. His great contribution to the Underground Railroad was the discovery that stems and seeds just muck up the engine. So Zippo cultivated the finest buds so that his locomotive would run faster and higher than any other. The rest, as they say, is legend.

According to Moonalice legend, October 8 did not happen in 1582 in Italy, Spain, Poland, and Portugal. This is the second day this week that has gone missing from 1582. Why? That’s the year they switched to the Gregorian Calendar and some clerk misplaced a bunch of days in October.

According to the audience at the Thirsty Ear, today was Talk Like A Pirate Day. They invoked two little known provisions of the Moonalice Legend: they could use Moonalice Standard Time to fall back to September 19 (the official Talk Like a Pirate Day) or they declare today a High Holy Day with a Talk Like a Pirate theme.

According to Moonalice legend, the tribe has participated in every presidential election since the very first one, when noted hemp farmer George Washington was elected. The tribe has learned many things over the years, including this: pit bulls with lipstick make lousy vice presidents.

According to Moonalice legend, Redwood City was home to a Special Judicial Branch of the Moonalice tribe. True to the Tribe’s Confusionist principles, the Special Judicial Branch didn’t know anything about the law, but they knew a lot about baked goods. Formed in 1967 to bring brownies and other comestables to Ken Kesey while he was in the San Mateo County Jail, the Special Judicial Branch returned in 1976 to provide tasty treats to Patty Hearst during her incarceration. For the next 30 years, they had no one to care for, so they ate the brownies themselves. The Special Judicial Branch disbanded when Scott Peterson came to town.

According to Moonalice legend, the tribe doesn’t need help to figure out that Redwood City has a fantastic climate. In a very early demonstration of earmark spending, the US and German governments did a global climate test prior to World War I. The test determined that Redwood City was tied for Best Climate with the Canary Islands and the Mediterranean coast of North Africa. Redwood City jumped on this with its slogan: Climate Best By Government Test. No one is asking us, but the tribe would like to see a similar test for hemp. Hemp Best By Government Test would motivate everyone to get through the current economic struggle. If you agree, please provide samples.

According to Moonalice legend, the origins of the place we call San Francisco are shrouded in mystery. You know that an English guy built the first settlement outside the Mission. He called it Yerba Buena. Yerba Buena means Good Herb. Have you ever wondered why he called it that? More important, have you ever wondered why anyone would get rid of a great name like Yerba Buena?

History books don’t say, so we consulted the Moonalice legend. The Moonalice tribe first settled here at least 2,000 years ago. The area provided a fantastic environment both for the tribe’s agricultural clan, the hippies, and for its nomadic clan of musicians, the bands. Since the dawn of time, Moonalice hippies have farmed the land, but their specialty has always been that most American of crops, hemp. From way back, the tribe demonstrated its sophistication, producing special hemps for rope, for fabric, for paper, and for entertainment. And then the Europeans arrived. Before long, real estate prices shot up and the tribe was forced to move to Mendocino and Humboldt. They left behind the hills, but took their Yerba Buena with them. The rest, as they say, is legend.

According to Moonalice legend, October 5 did not happen in the year 1582 in Spain, Portugal, Poland, and Italy. The day got lost in the switch to the Gregorian calendar. We celebrated by taking the rest of the day off.

In recognition of the economic crisis, Big Steve proposed a new benefit for Moonalice fans: a dental plan. Big Steve is offering five years of dental coverage to any Moonalice fan. There is only one catch: the service is only available from Big Steve himself. We note that Big Steve never went to dental school and he offers only two services: extractions and “modifications”. However, he does use Sears Craftsman tools – the power drill is his favorite – and he promises to wash his hands at least once a day.

According to Moonalice legend, this gig was billed as Band Joe & The Whyte Laydie. Moonalice 5 backed up Warren Hellman, who played banjo and traded lead vocals with Blue.

Other acts: w/Special Guests Bob Weir, Elvin Bishop, Ray Manzarek, Lydia Pense, Dan Hicks

According to Moonalice legend, smiles are the most fundamental form of human communication. Tribe members smile a lot, thanks both to their upbeat temperament and high quality hemp products. The tribe didn’t invent smiles and claims no ownership. We bring this up because today is World Smile Day, a mock holiday created by a guy whose heirs claim ownership. Harvey Ball invented the smiley face in 1963 and got paid $45 for his work. He didn’t copyright it until 1999, just before he died. The profits go to charity. His heirs own the copyright on the smiley face and put a little ® on everything they touch, including the name World Smile Day. We think this is bogus, but we’re going to smile anyway. Why? Because we’re Moonalice. We have an upbeat temperament and may or may not have access to high quality hemp products.

According to Moonalice legend, October 3 has played a huge role in the recent history of the tribe. It was on this day in 1955 when Captain Kangaroo debuted on television. Incredibly, the Mickey Mouse Club began he same day. As you can imagine, Mr Greenjeans quickly became an icon to the Moonalice tribe, while Annette Funicello became Mousketeer. In 1964, Tribal cuisine was revolutionized by the invention of Buffalo Wings.

Happy birthday to Eddie Cochran, John Perry Barlow, Stevie Ray Vaughn, Keb Mo, and Al Sharpton.

According to Moonalice legend, most of the early inhabitants of present-day Asheville were Cherokee. The history books don’t mention it, but Asheville was also home to a small band of Moonalice, whose influence can be felt even today. We note, for example, that Self magazine named Asheville the “Happiest City for Women.” We saw also that Rolling Stone says this is the “New Freak Capital of the US” and that PETA calls Asheville the most vegetarian-friendly small city in the country. How did Asheville become the favored home of Female Vegetarian Freaks? Moonalice influence. The tribe is matriarchal. One of the tribe’s two clans is hippies who grow hemp. And the tribe has always been nice to vegetarians. Coincidence? We think not.

According to Moonalice legend, September 19 is International Talk Like a Pirate Day. Arghh! Did you hear about the new pirate movie? It’s rated “Arghhh!”

According to Moonalice legend, September 19 is a particularly good day for radio shows. First of all, it's the only day where it's okay to talk like a pirate on radio. Second, tribe members who are in the fields for harvest need to be entertained. And finally, there was a radio show on our itinerary.

According to Moonalice legend, Richmond has been the site of many great moments in tribal history. You may not realize it, but the Moonalice tribe had a great “business” relationship with the Masons of Virginia in the days before the American Revolution. Many of those Masons went on to be Founding Fathers. The Legend provides particularly valuable insights about a major event in Richmond: Patrick Henry’s “give me liberty or give me death” speech before the House of Burgesses.

Controversy exists because there is no transcript of the speech. Nonetheless historians give credit to Henry for motivating the House of Burgesses to support the rebellion. That is true, but it’s not the whole story.

The Legend makes it clear the Patrick Henry made a great speech, but the famous quote was not part of it. It was actually a response to an audience question after the speech. The question? “What are your favorite brands of hemp?” Liberty was a sativa from the local Moonalice tribe. Death, as its name implies, was an indica. It came from the plantation of the noted hemp farmer, George Washington. Moonalice and the Founding Fathers: partners in agriculture.

According to Moonalice legend, time waits for no one. When no one shows up, what happens then?

According to Moonalice legend, the hills around present-day Laytonville are alive with the sound of kazoos and slide whistles. This area has long attracted funny people with fakes noses, loud clothing, giant shoes, and lots of make-up. But where did they come from? And why here? The Legend offers some insight. Apparently, Red Barns – the nemesis of the Moonalice tribe – had a place here. You have to watch out for Red Barns. Unlike his brothers, Whitey and Smokey, Red was all bad. He hated the peace, love, and low tones of the Moonalice tribe . . . and beat them up whenever he could. The tribe lived in terror, until a clown named Grandpa Gravy came to Laytonville. Red took one look at Grandpa and ran out of town. He had Coulrophobia, the fear of clowns. The tribe here has lived happily ever after, protected by the Gravys.

According to Moonalice legend, dancing is good. Most of the time our happy feet are one with the earth. But when the buzz gets really good, we just play and let the earth dance.

According to Moonalice legend, a man must walk down four short roads or one very long road before they call him a man.

According to Moonalice legend, you can put lipstick on a pig, but it pisses off the pig.

According to Moonalice legend, the days before Mendocino became a county full of Europeans, it was home to a wide range of native tribes. The Yuki, Pomo, Wintun, and Moonalice coexisted happily for centuries. Legend suggests that the key to their Kumbaya was the high quality hemp products and low tones of the Moonalice tribe. When the Europeans arrived, they discovered the benefits of hemp and music and decided to create California. When California joined the United States in 1850, they did two things. In a stroke of genius, they created Mendocino County. That was brilliant. Then they got greedy. They decided they wanted the Moonalice hemp for themselves, so they got rid of the Yuki, Pomo, and Wintun tribes. Guilt and remorse set in, so the natives of Mendocino county have worked ever since to share their agricultural bounty with the rest of the world.

According to Moonalice legend, the tribe has long been committed to organic approaches to hemp farming. For centuries, the agricultural clan in what is now Eugene invested heavily in research to help nature do what it does best, only better. A century or two ago, the tribe had a breakthrough. As so often happens, the breakthrough was the result of random chance, rather than scientific method: a tribe member smoked way too much hemp, passed out in the woods. When he woke up, he discovered that his stash was covered in slime. Unperturbed, he lit up a fat one and discovered that the hemp was significantly more flavorful and exciting. When he got to the bottom of the bag he found the explanation: a previously unknown shell-less gastropod, which he named the Bud Slug. And every year thereafter, the tribe had a festival in September to commemorate this discovery. The Bud Slug Celebration has evolved over the years, but the important traditions remain. And we’re glad to be part of it.

According to Moonalice legend, Eugene’s founder, Eugene Franklin Skinner arrived in 1846 and built a cabin in a location that soon became known as Skinner’s Mudhole. This part of the legend can even be found in history books. What the history books don’t tell you is that Hemp was America’s most important crop in the 19th century. When Skinner arrived, the Moonalice tribe was producing hemp on an industrial scale. Legend has it that Skinner saw a huge business opportunity in collaborating with the tribe. So he set up trading post and post office that became the business end of Oregon’s first mail order hemp business. The rest, as they say, is legend.

According to Moonalice legend, the coast of South Carolina was always a favorite vacation destination for members of the tribe. The tribe’s leaders, the Moonmamas, loved the beaches and fantastic weather. But the young men in the tribe embraced the area’s unique attraction: a seemingly unlimited supply of beautiful women. The tribal boys were way too shy to say hello, but they consumed prodigious quantities of hemp and enjoyed the spectacular views. For those of you who haven’t noticed, we advise a consultation with Barry.

According to Moonalice legend, September 7 was a momentous day in history. On this day in 1915, the cartoonist Johnny Gruelle received a patent for the Raggedy Ann doll. Because she couldn’t do any, Raggedy Ann saved the tribe from a devotion to voodoo. In 1927, the great tribe member Philo T. Farnsworth invented the first fully electronic television, without which no member of the tribe could push his or her IQ below room temperature. And in 1936, the patron saint of the Moonalice tribe in Texas, Buddy Holly, was born. Raggedy Ann, Philo Farnsworth and Buddy Holly: a veritable Mount Rushmore of 20th century Moonalice tribal legend.

According to Moonalice legend, when you say Bud, plan to have papers and matches.

According to Moonalice legend, the mountains in Eastern Tennessee – along the road we took to get to Athens from Nashville – were particularly conducive to tribal agriculture. In the early days, all the tribe did there was grow. That’s why they called the mountains the Hempies. Then came the European settlers. They found the hemp. Now the mountains are called the Smokies. Go figure.

According to Moonalice legend, man’s best friend will most commonly be a woman. However, the tribe has always been open minded in all personal matters. It has never seen an issue in canine companionship, either as a complement or alternative to human company. The tribe has always welcomed dogs of exceptional character and extreme jowls. Given this background, it should come as no surprise that the band is distantly related to Georgia’s brand new canine mascot, Uga the VIIth . . . and even more distantly related to the football mascot, Hairy Dawg. If Uga the VIIth and Hair Dawg turn around, then you compare their posteriors to a photo of me, you will see the resemblance.

According to Moonalice legend, Nashville was one of the original bases of the Moonalice tribe. From before recorded history began, the tribe lived happily in this area. It was here in Nashville that many Moonalice traditions evolved, both in music and agriculture. What we discovered is that the ancient tribe smoked liked chimneys. Hemp in those days was far more primitive than it is now. You had to smoke a couple pounds to get a buzz. To protect the environment, the tribe constructed special buildings that have survived to the present time. They called them Smoking Barns. You may know them from the role they play in curing tobacco for cigars, but do you know what actually goes on inside a Smoking Barn? The Legend knows!

According to Moonalice legend, tribal agriculture and music have always shared a special bond in the area that is now Nashville. The tribal clans helped each other out in ways we have not seen elsewhere in the tribe. At harvest time, thousands of members of the musical clan put down their instruments and went into the fields. Why? Why here? Then it hit us. Of course the musicians near Nashville would go into the fields at harvest time! They’re pickers!!!

According to Moonalice legend, the tribe in Kentucky was especially talented. Kentucky nomads played incredible music. And the local hippies grew fantastic hemp. Unfortunately, they were all colorblind. That’s why they used the same name for their hemp that they used for their music: Bluegrass. Smoke it if you’ve got it!

According to Moonalice legend, there is far more to the history of Louisville than you read in books. History books say that the first Europeans settled on Corn Island. What they don’t say is that the Europeans actually bought Corn Island from the Moonalice tribe for $24 and a bag of microwave popcorn. Of course, it had a different name then. The tribe had named the island after their favorite crop – Hemp – but practiced crop rotation. It just happened that the fields were full of corn when the Europeans arrived. As a result, the Europeans missed out on the opportunity to invent hemp liquor. Fortunately, they went on to discover bourbon, instead. The rest, as they say, is legend.

According to Moonalice legend, the lands around here are home to a variety of unusual creatures. Our favorite is the Rocky Mountain River Hippo. Unlike its African counterpart, the River Hippo has adapted to survive in the mountains. First, they are equally happy in water and on land. Second, the hippos are indistinguishable from granite, which protects them from predators. Third, they are actually made of granite, which protects them from having to work, eat, or think. Some adventurers have discovered Rocky Mountain River Hippos covered in a green organic material similar to Polar Fleece, but mostly on the north side. If you come upon a Rocky Mountain River Hippo in the wild, be very quiet. This is especially true if you are white water rafting. You don’t want to wake River Hippo. Nobody knows what happens when one wakes up . . . and we don’t want to find out.

According to Moonalice legend, the calendar is not fixed. It is a matter of personal choice. We bring this up because today (August 31) is Hardwood’s New Year’s Eve. He will be distributing party hats and noise makers after the show. We invite you to join us in celebrating with whatever organic material suits you best.

According to Moonalice legend, the trout in the Gallatin River have special powers. They emit signals that certain humans find irresistible. The signals circle the globe, causing otherwise sensible people to drop everything, come to this valley, and stand for days on end in water up to their elbows. Apparently there is no cure.

According to another part of the Moonalice legend, Labor Day Weekend was the product of a multi-generational negotiation between the tribe’s agricultural and nomadic clans. The nomads – musicians like us – were totally dependant on the hippies for hemp products. As you can imagine, the hippies tended towards sloth, thanks in large part to the high quality of their produce. Fortunately, the hippies were equally dependant on the nomadic bands for music. In the end, they compromised: the hippies promised to complete their harvest over the first three-day weekend in September, if, and only if all tribal bands would spend that weekend playing gigs. Every year for three days, the whole tribe works. That’s why they call it Labor Day.

According to Moonalice legend, the tribe has always preferred female leadership. Tribal men have always found it easier to say, “yes, dear!” than to come up with ideas of their own, particularly after 4:20 in the afternoon.

I bring this up because the tribe in its heyday was an oasis for independent women. Faced with limited rights in European, Asian, and African cultures, women who wanted respect and political power found a home in the Moonalice tribe. For all intents and purposes, Moonalice had a monopoly on matriarchy as a political system, but the tribe worked hard to spread its philosophy. They didn’t make much progress for hundreds of years, until the women’s suffrage movement took root in urban cultures in the late 19th century. Leveraging its thought leadership, the tribe fought to make suffrage happen as the first step towards matriarchy.

The moment of triumph came 88 years ago today. That’s when the 19th Amendment became law in the United States and women got the right to vote. Unfortunately, the 19th amendment came after the 18th, which was the law that banned alcohol. Prohibition shook the tribe to its core, depleting its numbers and resources at the moment of triumph. As a result, women’s rights stalled for another fifty, sixty, seventy years. But if you heard Michelle Obama’s speech from the Democratic National Convention, you know we’re back on track.

According to Moonalice legend, Lake Tahoe is a study in contrasts. Very dry land surrounds the lake. The mountains are tall and the lake is deep. On one side there is Nevada; on the other, California. We didn’t understand the significance of this last one until a couple of months ago when we played in Crystal Bay on the Nevada side. Everywhere we looked in Crystal Bay, there were casinos. Enough to support an entire economy. But what supports the California side? They have boats, and golf courses, ski areas and fancy homes. Where does the money come from? We consulted the Legend. The answer was so obvious we slapped our foreheads. Gold. One hundred fifty years ago, the gold was mineral. Now it’s vegetable. We understand the local Moonalice tribe grows enough “gold” to support every Tahoe resident in high style!

According to Moonalice legend, August 24 is Mundus Patet, a harvest feast involving the dead. That sounded kind of creepy, until we discovered that Mundus Patet was the first known Acid Test. The Testers were Romans about two thousand years ago. They smoked hemp products and consumed unusual mushrooms. For them, Mundus Patet was a very high holy day. No wonder the tribe liked it so much.

According to Wikipedia, on this day in 1858, 90 blacks were arrested in Richmond, Virginia for learning. In 1967, Abbie Hoffman and the Yippies brought the New York Stock Exchange to a halt when they dumped a bag of dollar bills from the visitors’ gallery to the Exchange floor. Traders who normally worked in millions scrambled for singles.

Wikipedia has no entry for Laurelton, PA. We find this disappointing, as Laurelton clearly deserves an entry. The place has a smoky Moonalice charm. Fortunately, the Moonalice legend can tell us what we need to know about Laurelton.

According to Moonalice legend, the Jurassic period saw some unusual dinosaurs around Laurelton. Our favorite was the Brown Nose, Blue Haired Cross-Eyed Potapus. This giant herbivore was an eating machine, but its diet consisted entirely of hemp. It spent its day in the hemp fields, chewing intently. When it was full, the Potapus would pause for a few minutes, which led to serious munchies, after which the Potapus would go back to lunch. Every morning, the Potapus would poop out masses of hard black crystals to clear the decks for another day of eating. Unfortunately, hemp is a seasonal crop in central Pennsylvania, which caused the Brown Nose, Blue Haired Cross-Eyed Potapus to die off every winter. The Potapus didn’t last in Pennsylvania, but the carcasses decayed over the millennia, leaving behind huge pools of light sweet crude. Potapus poop, of course, turned into anthracite coal.

According to Moonalice legend, the tribe’s nemesis is a creepy figure called Red Barns. Red was the oldest of three Barns brothers, and by far most violent. Brother Whitey was pretty random – sometimes good, sometimes not -- but the third brother, Smokey Barns, was a good soul. All three are immortal. Whitey and Smokey have tried for centuries to protect the Moonalice tribe from the evil brother, Red. The battle rages on in rural areas across the country. Each side colors its battlements distinctively. The ones at Bear’s Picnic are smoky yellow, a clear sign that this festival is under the protection of Smoky Barns. But don’t get overconfident. Avoid Red Barns. You’ll find no empathy there.

Did you know that August 16 is Xicolatada? We thought not. It’s a traditional festival celebrated only in a village in Catalonia. It has been a rite of summer for over 300 years.

According to Wikipedia, August 15 – it seems like only yesterday – was once a festival day in Catalonia, and the locals in the village were known to drink quite a bit, to the point that many still felt ill the following morning. Wikipedia goes on to say that the village chocolatier would offer the people a hot chocolate to ease the pain, as he claimed cocoa was an excellent remedy. Over the years, this act of charity grew into a custom, and eventually a municipal association was formed to remember the tradition and to organize the distribution of hot chocolate every year on August 16, at precisely 11 in the morning. It sounds real enough, but that can’t be the whole story. What happened to the party on the 15th? We need to consult the Moonalice legend. The hot chocolate was not a headache remedy. It was a cure for the munchies. The Catalonia tribe treated hangover the way they treated everything else: with heavy smoking of local hemp products.

Xicolatada appeqrs to have a discordian element. While the date is always the same, the organizers mess with the calendar somehow so that no one knows in advance when chocolate day is coming. Quite logically, the local Moonalice tribe smokes continuously, because they never want to be caught unprepared.

According to Moonalice legend, Greensburg, Pennsylvania began its life as the village of Newton, a stop along the wagon trail from what is now Pittsburgh to what is now Philadelphia. Right after the Revolutionary War, a colonial veteran established an inn right here to cater to teamsters driving wagon loads of hemp from Fort Pitt in the Three Rivers area to Philadelphia. As you may know, hemp was the most important crop in America in those days, due to the essential role of ships of sail in the colonial economy. That first crop of hemp from the Three Rivers region produced excessive flowers, which made it unsuitable for rope. Luckily, ol’ Big Greens Moonalice was sleeping off a hangover out back of the inn in Newton. He arose from his stupor just long enough to demonstrate other uses for flowery hemp, saving the crop and the day. Everyone rejoiced! Philadelphians loved the new hemp products, which caused them to love each other as brothers. And the people of Newton immediately changed the name of their village to Greensburg. The rest, as we say, is legend.

According to Moonalice legend, education is really important. Especially higher education. That’s why we were pleased to see that the University of Pittsburgh at Greensburg campus is located in Hempfield Township. Everyone there gets a full Moonalice education. And the local secondary school is called Hempfield High. We are not making this up. Chubby has a Spartan hat to prove it.

According to Moonalice legend, Acadians are French-speaking Canadians who may or may not have been affiliated with the tribe. Uncertainty exists because no one in the Moonalice tribe really knows what an Acadian is. However, they sound like nice people. Plus, they got pushed around a lot, which is also true of the tribe. We raise this because August 15 is Acadian Day. We encourage you to salute Acadians tonight with the herbal remedy of your choice. They may not appreciate it, but you will.

According to Moonalice legend, young members of the ancient Moonalice tribe in upstate New York developed an unhealthy fascination with the neighboring Iroquois Confederation. The, you see, were very sophisticated in comparison to the very down market Moonalice tribe. The Iroquois represented everything Moonalice was not: they were rich; they were educated; they had lots of friends. In short, they were mainstream establishment. Moonalice had just the two clans – the nomadic musicians and the hemp farmers – and they couldn’t get anywhere near the Iroquois Confederation without getting laughed at. In spite of this, young Moonalice read fan magazines like Iroquois Tonight! and QuoisFanatic in teepees adorned with posters of great Iroquois chiefs. It annoyed their parents to no end.

In a bright corner of the Moonalice legend sits one of the great inventions in the history of the tribe: the refreshing fruit-flavored ice dessert. For hundreds of years, the tribe searched far and wide for something sweet that would salve the savage throat after smoking. A few unlucky tribe members discovered that snow was unreliable. Not only was it available only a few months a year, it came in flavors that no one liked, such as “citrus.” Fortunately, in 1905 a kid in San Francisco left a mix of fruit soda powder and water on the porch overnight on the coldest day of the year. It had a drink stirrer in it. By morning, the Popsicle was born. We bring this up because Wikipedia reveals that August 14 is National Creamsicle Day. There’s no way this can be a coincidence. Not here in Ithaca. So the Earl of Moonalice went grazing and came back with a couple of boxes of Creamsicles that we shared with the audience.

According to Moonalice legend, the tribe has struggled for millennia against the forces of prohibition and intolerance. The battle has ebbed and flowed. Outnumbered and lacking in aggressive tendencies, the Moonalice tribe learned early on to avoid direct confrontation. It found hideouts in times of trouble. One of these was the town of Willits, California. There seems to be a powerful shield around Willits which repels most bad guys. We’re not sure how it works, but last time the band was there, we felt its effects. Hardwood and Chubby Wombat Moonalice got burritos at a restaurant in town, looking forward to a tasty hot sauce platform. About an hour later, the whole world started dancing and it didn’t stop until long after the show ended. Some hot sauce!!! Needless to say, we’re looking for more.

According to Moonalice legend, August 10 is National S’mores Day. Eat ‘em if you’ve got ‘em. If you haven’t, fall back on traditional herbal remedies.

According to Moonalice legend, reality is only interesting in moderate doses. We bring this up because today is the 60th anniversary of Candid Camera, the original reality TV show. Did you know that the show began on radio as Candid Microphone? Didn’t think so. In the mid 60s, there were brief experiments with other reality TV formats, including Candid Acid Test, Candid Human Be In, Candid Inner City Riots and Candid Vietnam War, but none of them had any staying power. It turns out that people only want phony reality on TV. Which brings us to the Moonalice philosophy of Confusionism. Reality is all well and good, but you will be happier if you make your own.

According to Moonalice legend, August 9 is the designated day when really bad leaders are supposed to resign. Unfortunately, really bad leaders generally lack self-awareness, so they don’t know how bad they are . . . and they generally don’t leave office without help from a firing squad. In fact, the only really bad leader who ever took advantage of the tribe’s Really Bad Leader Resignation Day was Richard Nixon in 1974. Everyone should freshen the air in honor of Tricky Dick’s exit from public life. If enough people do so, perhaps others will follow Nixon’s example.

Felton’s role in the legend has expanded since the last time we were here! According to Moonalice legend, all school age children in the tribe must complete a three-year course in freedom fighting before their 16th birthday. Taught by tribal elders, the course prepares young Moonalice for a life of independence, free from prohibitions. One of the great benefits of the course is the development of immunity to the power trips of others. The best example in recent times occurred in Felton on July 13, LINdependence Day. The Moonalice tribe has campaigned for Freedom from Windows since 1990. While our allegiance is to the fruit of Cupertino, we came tonight in solidarity with the LINdependence Freedom Fighters of Felton. Windows sucks!

According to Moonalice legend, you can lead a horse to water, but why would you want to?

According to Moonalice legend, the area of northern Michigan now known as the Sleepy Bear Dunes National Park was discovered by the tribe a long, long time ago. The place later got its name from an old Chippewa tale about a mother bear swimming across the lake with two cubs. It’s a sad story, but the Chippewa version leaves out the saddest part. For that, we must consult the Moonalice legend.

As is so often the case, the tribe found the place by accident. A few brave Moonalice souls walked down the dunes to the water. They got to the water’s edge at precisely 4:20 and sparked a fat one to celebrate. No one knows precisely what happened next, but it appears the Moonalice dudes got so buzzed they didn’t notice a mother bear as she swam to shore. She was not only pissed off – her cubs had both drowned en route – she was really hungry, particularly after one of the Moonalice gave her a couple hits off the fatty. At that point, the munchies set in and the mother bear ate one of the Moonalice tribe members. Very sad. It could have been much worse, but the mother bear fell asleep. At this point in the story, the tribe hit the road, the Chippewa and the National Park Service took over, the sun came out, there was a pretty rainbow, and those who survived lived happily ever after.

On this run in Ohio and Michigan, Steve Parish uncovered a major new figure in the Moonalice legend: Red Barns. According to Moonalice legend, the tribe faced many philosophical challenges over the millennia. One of the most significant occurred in the middle of the 19th century, when a young tribe member in the agricultural clan, Touchofrouge Moonalice, agitated for radical change. He wanted the tribe to focus on corn and moonshine, rather than hemp and Moonalice. Once they recovered from the initial shock of the proposal, the tribe resisted for many years, until finally Touchofrouge packed up his still and his combine and left the reservation. He changed his name to Red Barns and campaigned for years on behalf of corn, moonshine, ethanol, and related products. Red built a huge following in the Midwest. Followers by the thousands planted corn and built large, brightly colored, wooden storage structures to honor their leader. Given that corn farming takes a lot more work than hemp farming, it is no surprise the vast majority of Red’s converts came from outside the tribe. Big Steve assures us that the next chapter in the story of Red Barns includes great peril for the Moonalice tribe. So tune in next time for another installment of “Who the Hell is Red Barns?”

According to Moonalice legend, dogs make the best copilots. Especially basset hounds.

According to Moonalice legend, August 2 is known as Prohibition Day. On this day in 1937, the Marihuana Tax Act was passed, essentially rendering hemp and all its byproducts illegal. As usual, the tribe was caught completely off guard. They were paying no attention to Washington. When the Feds showed up, the entire hemp crop was still in the field, a month from harvest. It was a bud bath. Most of the tribe was rounded up. When 4:20 came and went on the first day without the ritual Smoke Out, the tribe began to see that its way of life was over. Most of the tribe was sent into the desert to pound sand. A few brave ones escaped and went underground, waiting for the moment when the Moonalice tribe would rise again. Ever since, August 2nd has been a day of contemplation. A day to prepare for the end of Hemp Prohibition. A day for consuming mass quantities. Every member of the tribe must do his or her duty.

According to Moonalice legend, if it ain’t broke, don’t get excited. Just give it to George Bush. He’ll break it.

According to Moonalice legend, no one really knows how many holes it takes to fill the Albert Hall. And they never will. The math is just too weird.

According to Moonalice legend, the spirit of tribe members lives on after the body goes to the Happy Hemp Ground. The legend tells us that Moonalice spirits follow the nomadic clan in the hope that low tones will eventually bring them back to life. Unfortunately, spirits don’t have money for tickets, so they mostly hang out in the parking lot. And so it went on for millennia, until August 1995, when a great chief moved on to the Happy Hemp Ground. You may not know this, but Jerry Garcia was a Moonalice on his mother’s side. And on his way out, Jerry did something brilliant for all Moonalice spirits. He made sure that each year on his birthday, there would be a gig where all spirits were welcome. The gig would be in a big venue with comfy seating and very few live bodies to get in the way. We can’t see them, but we’re surrounded by Moonalice spirits. Happy Birthday Jerry.

According to Moonalice legend, the tribe struggled for centuries to survive along the shores of Lake Tahoe. Way back then, the hills were too steep and the trees too tall to support hemp farming. And the musical clan had no place to play. And so it was for generations on end, until the white man came along and created a paradise they called Nevada. It was a large place and mostly desert, except along the shores of Lake Tahoe. And to those shores came the developers, and with them, the casinos and concert venues. The Moonalice tribe rejoiced! The nomadic clan – the bands -- added Crystal Bay to every tour itinerary. The paradise state even passed a law to permit the use of hemp products for medical purposes. To the surprise of no one, the Tribe lived happily ever after.

Elsewhere in the legend, it is written that the border between chaos and confusion cuts through Lake Tahoe. If you look really closely, you cannot see it, but the legend leaves no doubt.

According to Moonalice legend, the hemp fields of Sonoma County are protected by the spirit of Smokitall Moonalice. As a child, Smokitall was nothing special, but he was incredibly impatient. He grew up in a thermonuclear family, with five generations under one roof. All day long, every day, he nagged his family with a single question: are we there yet?

Smokitall was tone deaf, so he had no choice but to go into agriculture. There his impatience produced an innovation: Beaujolais Hemp. Smokitall had an insight: if you harvest hemp when it’s six inches tall, you can smoke the stems. The tribe tried to tell him he was crazy, but Smokitall persisted in his dream. He inhaled prodigious quantities of Beaujolais Hemp, resulting in black lung and early death. His spirit has lived in the fields ever since.

According to a different part of Moonalice legend, the shortest distance between two points doesn’t matter. What matters is how sharp the points are.

According to Moonalice legend, somewhere in the world there was a hidden conspiracy – known as The Conspiracy – that planned and connived for centuries to take over. The Conspiracy’s strategy was to elect a dishonest moron to the presidency and then rip off everything of value. For the longest time, they couldn’t get it done. Then they found a candidate from the end of the alphabet. He and his cronies did an Al Capone on the place until there was nothing left. Not even the sewer. The end.

That’s what the legend says. We didn’t think much of it until we saw a report in the New York Times that somebody has stolen 2,500 manhole covers in Philadelphia over the past year. That may not strike you as a big deal, but historically Philly only lost 100 manhole covers a year. It’s probably just a coincidence.

According to Moonalice legend, Necessity was the original matriarch of the ancient tribe. She was the mother of all Moonalice matriarchs, as well as of a young brave she named Invention Moonalice. Necessity’s vision – which combined low tones with high spirits – unified the tribe and helped it thrive in a period of chaos. Known for innovation in agriculture, Necessity was the first to discover the benefits of culling male plants in the field. Her recipe for hemp brownies changed the course of Moonalice culture, as it allowed the tribe to resolve conflict through catatonia, rather than violence.

Even today, tribe members turn to the spirit of Necessity for guidance in times of stress. Her adage – “smoke first, then forget” – has been forgotten by many, but survives as the foundation of the modern 4:20 ritual.

According to Moonalice legend, the tribe’s nomadic clan roamed North America in search of a mythical place called The Fair. Legend had it that The Fair was magical. That it existed in forest glades, with sunbeams dancing through the trees, and breezes crossing the meadows. According to Moonalice legend, The Fair was a kaleidoscope of beautiful creatures, settings, and music. Everyone at The Fair lived on a diet of mushrooms. For the Millennia, the nomads searched for The Fair as they played their music.

The Legend goes on to say that The Fair was guided by the spirit of Glinda Star, matriarch of the Family, a tribe worshipped by all Moonalice. Legend reports that Glinda was powerful. She was good. She had a green thumb for hemp. And she brought people together for a Fair of epic proportions. But no one in the Moonalice tribe could ever find it. Until now.

The Moonalice hunt for The Fair is finally over. We found it. It’s called Oregon Country Fair. And as so often happens, reality overwhelms the legend in the power of its buzz.

Other acts: Great American Taxi

According to Moonalice legend, the great explorers Lewis & Clark might never have gotten home from their trek across the continent had it not been for the Moonalice tribe. The explorers got lost west of Yellowstone Park – in present day Victor, ID - and were rescued by Witchway Moonalice, matriach of the local Moonalice tribe. Although Witchway’s story has disappeared from history, it lives on in the Moonalice legend. Here is just a bit of it:

Witchway was born some time around 1776. For reasons no one can explain, every member of her tribe operated on a different calendar . . . and no one kept records. All we know is that Witchway showed great promise as a child, debuting as first bassist in the tribal band at age four. She also demonstrated the greenest of thumbs. While her hemp was not much use for rope, its quick maturation and prodigious THC levels led to her tribe’s first great encounter with Confusionism.

When Lewis & Clark stumbled upon the tribal farming grounds in July 1806, they thought they might have found a new product that might compete with tobacco. Lewis & Clark put some in their pipes and smoked it. A fierce attack of the munchies immediately sent them scampering for snack food. Soon they were completely lost. Fortunately, they still had some of the interesting green flower they had found on Witchway’s farm. Just before they ran out, Witchway found Lewis & Clark. They were making funny faces at Lewis’ pet Newfoundland (Seaman) and giggling.

Witchway spent a few days teaching the explorers how best to enjoy hemp products, after which she put them back on their way home. Unfortunately, Lewis & Clark spaced their stash a few nights later. The good news is that they got home safely. The rest, as we say, is legend.

Other acts: Great American Taxi

According to Moonalice legend, July 4 is a day with magical powers. For one thing, it is the approximate date of aphelion, when the earth is at the furthest point in its orbit around the sun. When the sun is far away, interesting things happen, both in the tribe and out. In 18th century America – before the Revolutionary War – Moonalice tribe members lobbied aggressively for the freedom to grow hemp and play bass. Progress on the initiative was very slow until the tribe found a way to align itself with white colonists. They did so over the issue of taxation without representation. The tribe had no idea what taxation without representation meant, but it seems like a huge threat to the tribal hemp crop, so Moonalice joined the rebellion in the 1770s. Then, from July 1 to July 4, 1776, the tribe catered the meeting of the Second Continental Congress. They served traditional pub food with a variety of tasty deserts made from derivatives of the tribe’s own hemp crop. From all reports, the Second Continental Congress was a huge success. The best evidence was that somehow they lost the original Declaration of Independence. Legend has it that the document was written on hemp paper and that prodigious amounts of hemp were consumed that night. All we know is that the darn Declaration disappeared that night, never to be seen again. Fortunately, the tribe had kept a copy, so that Thomas Jefferson, John Hancock and the rest of the gang could issue a Declaration that would change the world. That part part is history. The rest, as they say, is legend.

Other acts: Great American Taxi

According to Moonalice legend, the tribe has inhabited the Big Sky region of Montana for many millennia. While the legend is vague about the early days, what little evidence exists is quite disturbing. For example, we have been told that cave paintings suggest some of our distant ancestors may have experimented with ménage à trois marriages involving moose and bears. The modern tribe’s lack of antlers and claws supports the notion that the mixed marriages didn’t take, which is too bad because antlers and claws might come in handy in the music business.

On a more positive note, later chapters of the legend refer to the extraordinary agricultural success enjoyed by the Big Sky tribe. They leveraged their superior elevation to produce exceptional hemp products and accessories, validating the First Commandment of Moonalice: higher is better.

Elsewhere in the Moonalice legend, the west was tamed thanks to the power of rope. Without rope there would have been no cowboys. Without cowboys, there would be no Westerns or Marlboros. Without Westerns or Marlboros, there would be no Friday night. Without Friday night there would be no Moonalice, without whom there would have been no rope.

[For those of you who are new to the tribe, Moonalice has two clans, one of which was agricultural. The agricultural clan grew only one crop. Hemp. Hemp is the key ingredient in rope, as well as a number of entertainment products.] So Moonalice hemp helped to tame the west. That’s kind of ironic, as one of the tribes being tamed was Moonalice. We hate it when irony slaps us in the face.

Tonight’s highlights: Jon Cousin and Shea Stephens got engaged at the gig. How cool is that? The fireworks were fantastic!

According to Moonalice legend, June 28 is the Perfect High Holy Day in the Moonalice calendar. This date is the only date each year where both the month and day are different perfect numbers. For those of you who forget your math – and we certainly had before we looked it up – a perfect number defined as a positive integer which is the sum of its positive divisors excluding the number itself. Equivalently, a perfect number is a number that is half the sum of all of its positive divisors (including itself), or _(n) = 2 n. Still with us? Here’s the money quote from Wikipedia:

“The first perfect number is 6, because 1, 2, and 3 are its proper positive divisors and 1 + 2 + 3 = 6. Equivalently, the number 6 is equal to half the sum of all its positive divisors:
(1 + 2 + 3 + 6 ) / 2 = 6.” It turns out that 28 is the second perfect number: (1 + 2 + 4 + 7 + 14 = 28)." How cool is that?

As a result, June 28 is Perfect Party Day in the tribe. It put a ton of pressure on the crowd in San Geronimo, but they were up to it. According to a different part of Moonalice legend, San Geronimo was the patron saint of sky divers. History books (and Wikipedia) tell a different tale, describing San Geronimo as an Arab boy who refused to renounce Christianity and was given the first Jimmy Hoffa burial in history, in the foundation of the Fort of the 24 Hours in Algiers.

San GeroniMo Moonalice fared much better. He never had to worry about martyrdom. Or skydiving. Along with his brothers San GeroniLarry and San GeroniCurly, San GeroniMo performed on the tribal vaudeville circuit. He was a master of the double eye poke, but his brothers always seemed to come out okay. N’yuck, n’yuck.

We were trying to figure out which San Geronimo was honored in the naming of a lovely little town in Marin County. The San Geronimo who was buried in cement? Or the one who performed to Three Blind Mice? The answer seems obvious to us.

Happy Birthday to Gilda Radner.

According to Moonalice legend, members of the tribe in San Francisco sought refuge in the 1960s in a church with an unusual name. The church had a fantastic choir and a commitment to helping those who could not take care of themselves. It had the best soup kitchens anybody ever saw. It helped HIV/AIDs patients. It had this really cool pastor-in-chief. Unfortunately, the tribe members can’t remember any of the names. What could possibly explain such a memory lapse? Hmmmm . . .

According to Moonalice legend, the festival of Midsummer on June 24 resulted from a mistake. More than a thousand years ago, the tribe flirted with sun worship, henges, and the like. They spent generations wearing funny hats and figuring out basic astronomy, before experiencing an epidemic of blindness. Whether the blindness was due to staring at the sun or solo forms of entertainment is not clear, but the tribal elders realized that they had to find an alternative to sun worship. They declared that the sun was too round to be worthy of worship, and suggested fire as a more suitable alternative. Fire’s unique role in tribal hemp ceremonies made it a logical target of worship, and for the most part it was easy on the eyes. The challenge was to persuade the tribe to switch. The great Chief Jellidonut Moonalice came up with a solution, they would convert all the sun worship festivals to fire festivals, starting with the Summer Solstice. He declared that it would become the festival of Midsummer. Unfortunately, Chief Jellidonut had been blinded by years of solo worship and could find neither the sun in the sky nor the Solstice on a calendar. He waved his arms towards the sky and then pointed at a date he thought might be the Solstice. He missed by only three days. The tribe could easily have corrected him, but chose not to. There is nothing that Moonalice likes better than a party, and two is always better than one.

Haight Ashbury Free Clinic Gala

Other Acts: Ramblin' Jack Elliott, Shana Morrison, Narada Michael Walden, Karmen. Emcee: Will Durst

According to Moonalice legend, the 22nd of June is Hangover Day. It is a day traditionally dedicated to recovery and contemplation.

Moonalice tribal celebrations of the summer solstice on June 21 and Midsummer on June 24 have been boisterous affairs since the dawn of time. Because it comes first, the solstice benefits from getting the tribe when everyone is fresh. Of course they don’t stay that way for long. Not surprisingly, each Solstice brought with it an oversupply of headache and nausea, necessitating the creation of a DIFFERENT KIND of festival on June 22 to deal with it. But Hangover Day was nothing more than a bunch of barfing and whining until some good Samaritans from the Haight-Ashbury clan stepped forward with a concept they called Rock Med.

Rock Med was an amazing idea. If people are hurting, don’t judge them. Help them.

The tribe immediately saw the brilliance of Rock Med. Rock Med meant you could party without fear. The certainty of recovery from Solstice celebrations . . . ensured readiness for the equally intense Midsummer party on June 24.

According to Moonalice legend, the summer solstice is the High Holy Day when tribe members coming of age participate in the Great Smoke Out. In addition to hacking and gagging, the holiday also came to have an unusual amount of daylight, presumably to ensure that the newly initiated could find their way home before dark. While the party often left tribe members in a fragile state, everyone had two days to rally before the equally intense Midsummer festival on June 24.

We consulted the Legend to learn the origin of Truckee. History claims the town was named after a Paiute chief, Tru-ki-zo. Tru-ki-zo was a great chief, father to Chief Winnemucca and grandfather to Sarah Winnemucca. We would be all in favor of naming a town after Tru-ki-zo, but we think there may be less of a connection with Truckee than people think. When the first white people got over the Sierras into present day Truckee, a very friendly Indian approached them. He smiled hopefully and yelled, “Tro-Kay.” The settlers assumed he was yelling his name – which is how Tru-ki-zo fits into this story – but Paiute scholars point out that in their language, “Tro-kay” means, “hello.” What they don’t tell you is that in the Moonalice dialect of that region, “tro-kay” is a question. It means, “Do you have any hemp?”

Apparently the white people had some hemp, because everyone lived happily ever after.

678 Party

According to Moonalice legend, one of the tribe’s annual high holy days was called Burning Bud. It was a one-day event devoted to the building of a henge. The tribe was not very practical. It took them a while to figure out that you can’t build much of henge in one day.

The one-day limit led to much experimentation with building materials. They tried dirt. Then mud. They even tried water. They tried practically everything that was available. Then one day, someone decided to make a henge out of hemp.

They built the entire thing out of hemp and it was done in a day! It was huge!!! It smelled great!!! They wanted to call it Hemphenge. Then they set it on fire. They got really stoned. And a name came out of nowhere.

Stonedhenge.

So began the festival of Burning Bud. With it began Fire Arts and people getting buzzed and running around naked in the desert. It is our understanding that some of these customs persist to the present day.

According to Moonalice legend, pow-wows associated with the spring planting season were a welcome respite from heavy labor in the fields. As Moonalice technology evolved, these pow-wows turned into trade shows with the latest equipment for growers … and lots of good music. Imagine our joy when we learned that the Harmony Festival is the modern incarnation of that pow-wow. There is such vitality in the agricultural side of the Moonalice economy!

From our perch on the stage, we noted widespread evidence of last year’s successful harvest in the region. The sweet smell of prosperity . . .

We read in Wikipedia that Santa Rosa has been looking for a new motto. Apparently the Luther Burbank-inspired phrase “The City Designed For Living” doesn’t cut it any longer. We don’t anticipate that our views will carry any weight, but we have a few modest suggestions:
• Santa Rosa: Where Your Own Grows Best
• Buds For Living
• Buddy Up to Santa Rosa
• Our Music is Better Than Your Day Job

According to Moonalice legend, sacred places exist where the magical beat of Confusionism overwhelms gravity and other forces of nature. Today, Sir Sinjin led us to Confusion Hill, a roadside attraction just south of Garberville, where time fluctuates, balls and water flow uphill, and nothing is quite as you would expect. So powerful was the magic emanating from Confusion Hill that both Hardwood and Chubby felt its effects from miles away. Of course, being Confusionists they weren’t sure what they were feeling.

We played today’s show for Alton Kelley, one of the great artists of the 20th Century. With his partner, Stanley Mouse, Kelley was a giant in the San Francisco poster art revolution of the mid-60s. Kelley died today and we miss him already.

According to Moonalice legend, change is good. Especially if you are a coin collector.

In Canada, today is the Day of Action for people of the First Nations. We lost the receipt for Moonalice’s First Nation status, but that didn’t stop us from taking action on behalf of all Canada’s First Nations. Ironically, today is also Oak Apple Day in Great Britain, a day which celebrates the restoration of the British monarchy. Can’t say we were excited about that until we learned that the Oak Apple ceremony may have descended from pre-Christian nature worship.

Did you know they have 20 miles of tunnels under Montreal? You could live down there if you wanted to. Especially in the winter.

According to Moonalice legend, three is a very powerful (and lucky) number. It symbolizes the bewildering trinity of sects, hemp, and low-toned music. Every Moonalice tribe member trains in the entire trinity for many years before choosing a “major,” which determines the clan with which he or she will spend the rest of his or her life. Most choose to stay with the clan in which they were born, but the tribe supports those who choose a different path. Always tolerant in matters of personal choice, the tribe also supports those who choose not to. In addition, it supports those who can’t make up their mind.

Whether the context is Blind Mice, Stooges, Musketeers, Wise Men, or Little Pigs, three has changed the world for the better. Why should the Moonalice legend be any different?

The band’s third gig in New York City (in only six weeks) was a Bill Graham Foundation benefit at the Fillmore, née Irving Plaza. Since it opened in 1914, the venue has been home to burlesque, Yiddish theater, and Polish dance, as well as rock ‘n’ roll. It once saw Gypsy Rose Lee (all of her, in the Full Monty sense). It’s on an island that the Moonalice tribe once swapped to Peter Minuit for $24 in trinkets and a piece of Connecticut. (Moonalice legend, 4-19-08.) Coincidently, the gig celebrated Mother’s Day in Bolivia and Sweden, as well as the birthdays of Rachel Carson, Vincent Price, Harlan Ellison, and Batman.

According to Moonalice legend, the answer to most questions is “42.” Not every question, mind you, but enough to matter. You can imagine the tribe’s surprise when Douglas Adams published “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” and declared that “42” is the answer to everything. Perhaps it is, once you get beyond the Earth’s gravity. But here on earth, where Confusionism reigns, some questions have no answer. “Hey! Where’d everybody go?” is an example.

Today is Towel Day, which commemorates the life and writings of the great Mr. Adams. We took the stage, armed with a lovely red towel from the bus, and played a set where every song was connected to the one before and the one after. Some kind of Force emanated from the audience and the ring of majestic oaks that surrounded the stage. No wonder. Today is also Universal Day of the Jedi, and the 31st anniversary of the release of Star Wars. Played our hearts out, we did. Great show, it was.

According to Moonalice legend, the tribe didn’t really sell Manhattan Island to Peter Minuet for $24 in trinkets. They swapped it for a piece of Connecticut where hemp grew better than it did on Manhattan. The $24 in trinkets was a bonus, like in a Ginsu knife commercial. The Manhattan deal was 382 years ago today, but it seems like only yesterday.

On this day in 1820, a song called “Mary Had A Little Lamb” was published. What they don’t tell you is that the song was based on a Moonalice tribal song, “Alice Had A Little White Rabbit.” Legend also refers to an obscure alternative version called, “Alice Had A Little Weed, Then She Had the Munchies.”

Happy Birthday to Tommy Chong and Bob Dylan.

According to Moonalice legend, the tribe declares a High Holy Day whenever a nomadic band plays a gig. Some High Holy Days are Higher than others, but all gig days are high. May 23 is High and Holy three ways to Friday. First, it is the Day of Disunity in the Discordian calendar. (Disunity was the word of the day for Moonalice, the band, as Blue was not with us for family reasons.) Second, it is World Turtle Day. By coincidence, two large, green dancing turtles adorned the stage. One member of the audience said she was a Goffle, a person who celebrates turtles. Others in the audience did not claim to be Goffles, but were celebrating turtles in their own way, often with small offerings of burning plant material. Third, today is the saint day of Aaron the Illustrious. Aaron was a monk in the 4th century, which probably means he got to be a saint by having hallucinations. All we know is that Aaron was also known as Aaron the Nuts. We are not making this up. Aaron the Nuts. Hallucination? Anatomy? You be the judge.

Schwagstock is a great scene in a really cool location. We celebrated with a set that included three – count ‘em THREE – bass solos by Sir Sinjin. Sir Sinjin, Jesùs H., and Chubby all joined the Schwag on stage for a rowdy rendition of Goin’ Down the Road Feelin’ Bad.

According to Moonalice legend, the Northern California coast has always had magical qualities that protect the tribe from harassment. The soil is also unusually fertile, enabling hippies to grow some of the world’s finest strains of hemp. While Humboldt rope no longer enjoys huge demand from ships of sail, the tribe in the region has adjusted with a range of alternative hemp products. Hemp beer, milk, and clothing are in evidence around Arcata, as are high end, organic products based on hemp flowers.

The politics of Arcata are unusually hospitable for the tribe. In 1989, Arcata made itself a Nuclear-Free Zone. In 2003, the city was the first to make voluntary compliance with the Patriot Act illegal. While they have not been able to reverse the Prohibition of hemp, the citizens of Arcata have demonstrated a commitment to doing so. In short, it’s a Moonalice kind of town.

According to Moonalice legend, the Coast Miwok tribe of the northern California coast held the regional franchise for Moonalice in the years before Europeans arrived. The Miwoks had many villages in and around present day Petaluma. When the Spanish showed up with their plan to build a mission, they asked the name of the area. The Miwoks said, “péta lúuma .” The Europeans thought the phrase meant, “hill backside.” Huh? We looked for guidance in a Moonalice-English dictionary . . . “horse’s backside.” Ah. Those Miwoks were such kidders.

According to Moonalice legend, clowns are the social equivalent of Crazy Glue. They stand out in a crowd because of their red foam noses and very large shoes, but their commitment to adding mirth to every situation is what commands respect in the tribe. “Mirthiness” was the hallmark of the Moonalice philosopher Confusion, whose multifaceted career included a stint as master of ceremonies for the ancient festival known as Clownstock.

Like so much of Moonalice culture, Clownstock adapted to survive. Its present home is Camp Winnarainbow in Northern California, where the master of clown-emonies is Saint Misbehavin’ himself, Wavy Gravy. As spiritual leader of the tribe in the Bay Area, Wavy had the honor of being the first to moon the band at a show. He also channeled the philosopher Confusion with his statement at Woodstock, “if you aren’t sure, only take half.”

Wavy was born this day in 1936, a birth date he shares with the great cartoonist Ralph Steadman. May 15 is also the birthday of Las Vegas (1905) and the Asylum for the Relief of Persons Deprived of the Use of Their Reason (1817), the first private mental health hospital in the United States.

One highlight of this great celebration: Ratdog guitarist Mark Karan joined us on stage for Tell Me It’s Okay and Sugaree.

According to Moonalice legend, the tribe revered children of multiple births. Twins are special. Triplets are one and a half times as special. When there are more than three born together, the tribe stops everything and declares a regional holiday on the birthday. In Pennsylvania, the biggest Kahuna of baby holidays is for the Gosselin Sextuplets, who are – you guessed it – triply special. Alexis, Hannah, Aaden, Collin, Leah, and Joel were christened the Hershey Kisses, on account of where they were born on May 10, 2004. This was their day; we’re just lucky to be part of it.

Today is also the 136th anniversary of the nomination of the first woman to run for president. Her name was Victoria Woodhull and she was nothing short of amazing. She made a fortune on Wall Street with her sister, the first women brokers in stock exchange history. Then she dedicated herself to two propositions: women’s suffrage and free love. Those of you who are experienced in the Moonalice Legend can probably tell where this is going. Victoria was not popular with other leaders of the suffrage movement – such as Susan B. Anthony, who apparently had a problem with the free love part – but Vickie was REALLY popular with Moonalice tribe members. Still is. We’re hoping she runs again.

Three members of Tea Leaf Green joined us on stage for the final song of this great east coast tour. We love TLG and look forward to touring with them again soon.

According to Moonalice legend, the tribe had a slang term for anything that is pure in an old school sort of way. They called it, “ornithologically correct”. In the context of hemp, this meant reversing centuries of genetic engineering, working from heirloom seeds, and growing plants that are vintage, if not potent. The term “ornithologically correct” has also been applied to team mascots. The Legend suggests that Mr. Celery and the Philly Phanatic are “ornithologically correct,” while the plush version of the Oriole Bird is, well, you know, a cartoon character.

According to Moonalice legend, the Philadelphia branch of the tribe organized itself as a matriarchy centuries ago. The tribe didn’t know much about biology and nothing about estrogen. They just knew that putting woman in charge meant less war and more hemp production. And so it was until the Revolutionary War, when a bunch of very bright young men took over. From that point on, womenfolk – as well as the entire Moonalice tribe – were on the defensive. A few brave souls in Philadelphia, beginning with Betsy Ross, stood up for the matriarch, but few people listened until the very beginning of the 20th century. That’s when Philly resident Anna Marie Jarvis lobbied successfully for a holiday to honor the matriarchy on the second Sunday in May. She called it Mother’s Day and dedicated it to peace and feminism. The first Mother’s Day was 100 years ago tomorrow. Unfortunately, somewhere along the way Anna Marie’s values were replaced by those of Hallmark. Peace and feminism gave way to cards, chocolates, and roses. We honor Anna Marie as she honored her mom, a Moonalice chief of great repute.

According to Moonalice legend, hemp grown on Manhattan island has unique powers. Apparently it makes you incomprehensibly generous. How else do you explain the Lenape tribe selling the island for $24 in beads or the Dutch trading it for a microscopic island in Indonesia? Such acts of generosity eventually resulted in the tribe’s agricultural clan being displaced and the island going “smokeless”. In the process, New York became the biggest city in the country and the one with the lowest per capita carbon footprint. When the nomadic clan comes to town the locals break out their tribal air freshener, confident that they are not contributing to global warming.

This show will remain forever etched in our memory because it was the first North American performance by Yuto Miyazawa. Yuto is 8 years old. He plays a Randy Rhoades Flying V with black polka dots that is at least six inches taller than he is. But Yuto knows guitars. He played and sang Crossroads. It was unbelievable. If we get a video, we’ll post it somewhere you can find it.

According to Moonalice legend, the tribe’s agricultural clan was often forced to disguise its crop to avoid confrontations with the authorities. As we discovered in Charlotte, tribe members in the Piedmont region went so far as to grow something else: tobacco. But in mid-Atlantic states like Delaware, the tribe stuck with hemp, making subterfuge a necessity, as well as a fine art. We learned more in the 3rd inning of the Wilmington Blue Rocks game, when a mascot like no other ran onto the field: Mr. Celery. We kid you not. A stalk of celery with a goofy grin, green shorts, and green knee socks. The entire ball field could have been full of hemp and you would never have known. All eyes were on Mr. Celery.

In Atlanta, we learned about the Discordians, who believe that chaos is as worthy as order. It went from theoretical to real when we arrived in Wilmington. Across the street from our hotel was the 1st and Central Presbyterian Church. You would think the church must be at 1st and Central, right? And you would be wrong. It’s at 11th and Market. This has to be the work of the Discordians.

The signs point to Moonalice culture valuing confusion more than chaos. The tribe accepts that life is uncertain and recommends enjoying it. If you don’t know how, go to a minor league baseball game.

For the second time, lightning struck twice in a short set.

According to Moonalice legend, the 3rd of May is Trio de Mayo, the Day of Rehearsal for the tribe. Traditionally, it was a practice day for Cinco de Mayo, with a day off in between to recover. This year, May 3 was also Gig Day in Atlanta.

While perusing the closest thing we know to the Encyclopedia Gallactica, we discovered that May 3 is also Discoflux, the fifth holiday of the Discordian calendar. Digging deeper, we learned that since 1958 there has been a Discordian religion, centered on the notion that chaos is as important as order. Wow. How could we not know about this? The Discordians’ key text, the Principia Discordia, begins with the following quote:

If organized religion is the opium of the masses, then disorganized religion smokes the marijuana of the lunatic fringe.

We couldn’t have said it better ourselves. Never has a band felt more welcome at a gig than we did at the Variety Playhouse. We parked the bus in front of the theater. Right across the street was an apartment complex called the Bass Lodge. We hadn’t realized it until now, but any place Moonalice stays in a Bass Lodge.

According to Moonalice legend, Charleston was a major hub of tribal trading in the 18th century, when the American Revolution began. When the British imposed the Tea Act on the colonies in 1773, two towns rebelled. Everyone knows the story of the Boston Tea Party (Moonalice legend 11-1-07), but the story of the Charleston Revolt remains clouded in mystery. As in Boston, the raiding was the work of Moonalice tribe members. Unlike Boston, the product they seized turned out to be hemp, which explains why they “impounded” it, rather than tossing it into the harbor. As usual, history makes much more sense through the lens of the Moonalice legend.

According to Moonalice legend, the ancient tribe struggled to survive in the Piedmont region of North Carolina. Then sometime in the 18th century, they went their own way and contact was lost with other Moonalice families. We learned the full story in Charlotte from local chief Tar Heel Moonalice, matriarch of the tribe in North Carolina. It turns out that the Piedmont climate was unsuitable for hemp farming, but too nice to abandon. And so the local tribe diversified into other crops: tobacco and corn likker. Tobacco lacked the versatility of hemp, but was addictive even for politicians and judges, which helped to keep in legal. According to Chief Tar Heel, tobacco supported the tribe economically while bootlegging provided much needed exercise. The local tribe members raced their product around in cars souped up to outrun tax collectors and police. This eventually led to stock car racing. Which means NASCAR descended from bootlegging, which descended from Moonalice! How cool is that? Of course, the tribe called their product “Moonshine.”

According to Moonalice legend, the tribe fled Boston in the early 19th century. This departure, long unexplained, is notable because Boston had long been a major center for the Moonalice tribe, which played a huge role at the Boston Tea Party (see Moonalice History for Nov 1, 2007) and Bunker Hill. Then they all hit the road, beginning in 1820. No one knew why . . . until now.

The band did some research and discovered a likely explanation for the tribal exodus: the leveling of Beacon Hill. Anyone who has spent time in Boston recently knows that Beacon Hill features a whole lot of expensive real estate, but not much elevation. This was not always the case. There used to be a real hill there, until the city decided to use the dirt of Beacon Hill to fill in the marshes in what is now Haymarket Square. What the city fathers did not realize at the time was that Beacon Hill was way more than a hill. It was a Moonalice burial mound. (For an explanation of Moonalice burial mounds, see the History for April 15, 2008). The Moonmothers of ancient Boston had mighty big bongs, which accounted for the height of the Hill. The tribe was so thoroughly dismayed by the city’s wanton disregard for Moonalice custom that it abandoned the area for nearly 200 years. It turns out that the tribe didn’t stay away because of unresolved emotional issues. Nope. The explanation is much simpler. The tribe sampled so much of its own crop that it just forgot to go back. We hate it when that happens.

So Moonalice (the band) returned to Boston this day for its second visit in four months. It was the last show of a ten-show run with Jack and we celebrated with an extra helping of Howling Monkey. Yowzah! We may never come down!!!

By the way, the National Weather service reports that the odds of an individual being struck by lightning over the course of an 80-year life are 1 in 3,000. The probability of being struck twice in a lifetime is 1 in 9 million. Ignoring the odds, we played two different “Lightning” songs in the same night. Who says music can’t change the world?

According to Moonalice legend, Vermont has magical powers.

Burlington is the biggest city in Vermont and one of the few known habitats of the Moonalice tribe’s nomadic clan. It has always had great music. Now it also produces really good ice cream. And snowboards. And craft beer. And chocolate. And bagels. In short, heaven. Burlington also gave us Orson Bean, Howard Dean, Patrick Leahy, Harry Bliss, and ¾ of Phish. Pretty cool.

April 25 is a big day in history. Our favorite fun facts . . . In 1961, Robert Noyce was granted a patent for the integrated circuit. Eight years earlier – on April 25, 1953 – Watson and Crick published their first paper on DNA.

According to Moonalice legend, Rochester, NY was a major center of Moonalice culture in the years before the white man came. From what we could see, the tribe is still prominent in Rochester. Around the corner from our hotel was Stone Street Café. A few blocks away was a huge sign on an overpass: Welcome to High Falls. We felt right at home.

Rochester is home to some amazing people. Susan B. Anthony was born here. Frederick Douglass lived here. Emma Goldman, Cab Calloway, Philip Seymour Hoffman, John Lithgow, Chuck Mangione, Ol’ Hoss Radbourne, Mitch Miller and Gorilla Monsoon all hail from Rochester. But our favorite Rochester natives are the Fox sisters, Kate, Leah, and Margaret. They were spiritualists in the 19th century. In their presence, people could communicate with the dead. Their séances attracted the best and brightest of the time, including James Fenimore Cooper, Horace Greeley, and William Lloyd Garrison. For 40 years the Fox sisters were a phenomenon. Then they got mad at each other and one of the sisters blew the whistle. They had faked it from the word go. Bummer.

According to Moonalice legend, the city of Troy, New York has long been a bastion of progressive tribal activity. According to Wikipedia, Moonalice tribe members in Troy showed great leadership during Prohibition, becoming a “way station” for the illegal alcohol going to New York City from Canada. Thanks to this infrastructure, Troy was able to diversify, complimenting its speakeasies with brothels to serve western New England. Wikipedia is silent about Troy’s hemp trade in those days, but it’s worth noting that Troy’s high profile ended with World War II, the same time that hemp prohibition took hold in the United States. Coincidence? We think not.

Today is the 26th anniversary of the Conch Republic, an outpost of the Moonalice tribe in the southeast. The Republic is the town formerly known as Key West. The town seceded from the US in 1982 to protest Border Patrol roadblocks – searching for drugs and illegal immigrants – which “greatly inconvenienced” residents. The Conchs declared war, surrendered a minute later, and immediately applied for $1 billion in foreign aid.

In September, 1995, a Public Affairs battalion of the US Army Reserve staged an exercise in the Conch Republic . . . the mission was to capture a foreign island. The Army sent PR guys to invade an island? That sounds serious. It was only an exercise, so the Army forgot to tell the Conchs, who thought they were under attack. Armed with fire boat water cannons and stale Cuban bread, the Conchs defended themselves before counterattacking at Fort Jefferson. The counterattack didn’t work out, but the Republic lives on.

According to Moonalice legend, the tribe celebrated the coming of spring each year with a day of spiritual awakening and hemp products. The highest of high holy days in the Moonalice calendar. In ancient times, the celebration began at dawn on April 20 and lasted as long as the participants could remain standing. In modern times, the 420 celebration typically features live music. In addition, true believers observe daily rituals without music, such as a collective inhaling of breath at 4:20pm.

Look at today’s date. Look at the numbers . . . April 20, 2008. 4-20-08. 04-20-2008. Do you see the patterns? 4x2=8. 4+2+2=8. 4-squared divided by 2=8. There’s some kind of conspiracy at work here. Probably related to the Bermuda Triangle or the disappearance of Judge Crater.

According to Moonalice legend, Manhattan Island has been a major center of tribal activity going back a millennium or two. Of course Moonalice was but one of many tribes that inhabited the New York area, but the records of Moonalice influence are widespread. The conventional translation of manhattan from the Lenape language is “island of many hills,” but the Encyclopedia of New York and Wikipedia suggest a range of more likely alternatives. Our favorite comes from the Munsee dialect of Lenape, where the word manahachtanienk means “place of general inebriation.” This is consistent with the Moonalice translation of manhattan, “place where prodigious amounts of hemp are consumed.” We would also point out that the original European settlers in New York were Dutch. They called the place New Amsterdam, suggesting that they understood the value of hemp. Is it possible that the current Dutch enthusiasm for hemp products originated in the new world, rather than the other way round? Do you really need to ask?

We note that April 19 is Bicycle Day. We’re not making this up. On April 19, 1943, Dr. Albert Hofmann did his first experiment with LSD. He took 250 milligrams, after which he had some difficulty speaking, so he asked his colleague to escort him home on a bicycle. That’s when things got really interesting. Having survived a few hours of terror, Dr. Hofmann began to experience feelings of “good fortune and gratitude.” He started to enjoy the hallucinations. He noticed that sounds had visual manifestations. He hung out for hours, feeling very good about things and eventually fell asleep. While the relationship of Bicycle Day to Moonalice or New York City eludes us, the anecdote explains the enthusiasm in some communities for April 19. But wait! There’s more!!! On this date in 1927, Mae West was sentenced to 10 days in jail for obscenity in a play called, “Sex.” Imagine that. Exactly a year later, the 125th and final installment of the Oxford English Dictionary was published. And this year, Moonalice and Tea Leaf Green played at the Highline.

According to Moonalice legend, the three rivers region of western Pennsylvania has always been a hotbed of Moonalice tribal activity. The evidence has been obscured by the sands of time, but little signs are everywhere. Take the names of the rivers: Allegheny, Monongahela, and Ohio. We consulted our handy Indian-to-Moonalice dictionary and discovered that Allegheny is the Moonalice word for “thank God it’s Friday!” Monongahela means “river where steel workers prefer hemp.” And then there’s the third river, the Ohio. Read between the “o”s. Need we say more? If rivers could have a harmonic convergence, Pittsburgh would have to be it.

People have been fighting over Pittsburgh for centuries, starting with the French and Indian Wars. Who did the English send to settle things down? Colonel George Washington. That’s right, they sent Virginia’s numero uno hemp farmer. Needless to say, ol’ George took care of the problem. History is vague about his methods, but the tribe knows.

Our show in Pittsburgh was at the legendary Mr. Small’s Funhouse, an ex-church that simply reeks of Moonalice tribal activity. We shared the stage with the amazing and wonderful Ekoostik Hookah.

Other acts: Bob Malone opens

According to Moonalice legend, George Washington was the biggest hemp farmer in northern Virginia. Hemp was a strategic crop in those days and high profile farmers like Washington had a very personal relationship with customers. In George’s case, customers signaled their need for supplies by putting up a sign that read, “George Washington slept here.” While hemp’s role in the economy is different today, customers still find that “George Washington slept here” signs are an effective way to indicate a need for re-supply.

Given the size of Washington’s sales territory – it ran from Virginia to Connecticut – several towns emerged as distribution hubs. Sellersville, PA was one of these towns. Some have suggested it may have been the eBay of hemp in the 18th century. We don’t know.

Upon arrival in Sellersville we went in search of evidence of Moonalice presence in the region. Our suspicions immediately fell on the Washington House hotel. It had the customary landmark status and a couple of historical markers out front. But no “George Washington Slept Here.” We found this odd as the hotel’s claim to fame is that Washington really did sleep there. The lack of sign meant one of two things: either the hotel is owned by people who are not yet members of the tribe or they already have all the hemp they need, thanks. We’d like to think it’s the latter.

According to Moonalice legend, the city of Baltimore now occupies the site of the ancient Middle Atlantic Pow-wow of the Moonalice tribe. That pow-wow was known for the prodigious amounts of hemp consumed over the course of a long weekend. Remarkably, one artifact has survived from the period and the city has camouflaged it as a monument to the military/industrial complex of the 19th century. The Phoenix Shot Tower is 215 feet tall and looks like the world’s tallest bong, which is what it was before the locals converted it to the production of cannon balls. What a waste.

April 16 turns out to be the saint’s day for St. Bernadette, the patron saint of Motown. She was also the woman whose hallucinations in 1858 put Lourdes on the map. Could it be a coincidence that exactly 85 years later, on April 16, 1943, Dr. Albert Hofmann discovered the psychedelic effects of LSD? You be the judge. If you’re not sure, just take half.

According to Moonalice legend, the tribe demonstrated a preference for matriarchal leadership somewhere soon after the dawn of time. Within agricultural Moonalice families, it was common to entomb Moonmama in a burial mound with her most prized possession. The mounds were quite tall owing to the fact that for many Moonmamas the prized possession was a ceremonial bong, which had to be buried upright to avoid spilling bong water into the afterlife. We bring this up because Virginia Beach is home to Mount Trashmore, an 800 foot long, 60-foot high mound reportedly built from fill. Given those dimensions, to say nothing of the prominent role of hemp in the history of the commonwealth of Virginia, we did a little investigation. The investigation was successful, but we’re not tellin’. What happens in Virginia Beach, stays in Virginia Beach.

Among the many great people born in Virginia Beach was Grace Sherwood, the witch of Pungo. Fortunately, her name was cleared 300 years ago. Had it not been, we would have done the job ourselves.

If D-minor is the saddest key in music, April 15 has to be the saddest day in America. Not only does everyone feel the bite of tax filing, but history has dropped some really ugly events on April 15. President Lincoln died in 1865. The Titanic sank in 1912. Wikipedia said Jason Alexander died today, so we played the show for him. Turns out Wikipedia was wrong, which is a relief, especially for Jason. The Moonalice angle on April 15 comes from ancient Latvia, where Tipsa Diena is a day to celebrate the ploughing of fields. In modern times, Tipsa Diena is just another day to get ploughed.

According to Moonalice legend, Bissextile Day – or Leap Day, as it is known to the tribe – is too high a holy day to last only 24 hours every four years. The ceremonies typically spill over to March 1, which turns out to be a high holy day of another kind – Beer Day! Distant cousins of the tribe who live in Iceland report that their country re-legalized beer on March 1, 1989 and now celebrates the anniversary. March 1 also happens to be the anniversary of the first day of the Salem Witch Trials, a miscarriage of justice that has been a burr under the saddle of Moonalice tribe members for nearly four hundred years. If you’re having trouble keeping all this straight, you should have been with us at Moe’s Alley, because it all made sense there.

The set list:

According to Moonalice legend, February 29 is the least frequent of all High Holy Days in the Moonalice calendar. The tribe calls it Leap Day, but we discovered that the official name is “Bissextile Day.” Say that out loud. If it doesn’t sound like a concept invented in our lovely city by the bay, then we’re not bass players.

The Rex Foundation was established by Jerry Garcia and the Grateful Dead to provide money to charities and artists who can make small amounts of money go a long way. Rex practices grass roots philanthropy at its best. You can’t get more Moonalice than that.

The set list:

According to Moonalice legend, tribal bands have frequented the Chicago area since the beginning of time. Chicago’s central location was a factor, but legend also speaks loudly about the local hemp. If you don’t believe us, look it up in Wikipedia. The name “Chicago” turns out to be the French rendering of the Miami-Illinois word “shikaakwa,” which metaphorically meant “onions” or “wild leeks.” The literal translation of skikaakwa was “striped skunk.” We’re not making this up. If “striped skunk” is not a reference to the local hemp, then Anna Nicole Smith is not a dead blonde.

Twenty-eight years ago today, in what qualifies as the prehistoric days of the modern Moonalice tribe, Chubby Wombat and Blue went out on their first date. According to Moonalice legend, the Jerry Garcia Band was playing at the University of New Haven gym. On the set list that night was Chuck Berry’s Let It Rock. An explosion of hormones has caused memories of the evening to be sketchy, but both parties recall that it was the beginning of something amazing. Chubby and Blue recall that the air freshener in the UNH gym was overpowering, which may have contributed to a loss of detail, consciousness, etc.

The ten-show Whiter Shade of Frostbite tour concluded in Chicago’s Park West with Moonalice and Tea Leaf Green on stage together for Goin’ Down the Road Feelin’ Bad, with a chorus of 400 audience members shredding their vocal chords. Huge thanks to TLG and its wonderful crew for a great tour.

The set list:

According to Moonalice legend, Indianapolis is near the harmonic center of the tribal universe. Huh? A deep bass groove emanates from the place. It permeates everything. No hills. No dales. Just a deep groove. You don’t believe me? Believe the legend. Check it out for yourself.

Today we sent a big birthday shout out to Simpsons creator Matt Groening and to the leader of the Second American Revolution, Susan B. Anthony.

The set list

According to Moonalice legend, February 14 is one of three hundred sixty-five High Holy Days of the tribal calendar. Among those elevated days, however, February 14 is one of the Most High. In tribal traditional, it is a day for sharing music, hemp products, and hormonal urges among lovers. While there are no tribal rules on the matter, traditional holds that the day generally featured one-on-one, rather than team activities. In some parts of the tribe, it is known as Tee Hee in Teepee Day.

The set list

According to Moonalice legend, the waters of the Licking River near Cincinnati in southern Ohio can make anything float. Upon such small advantages are great fortunes built.

History tells us that a surveyor originally called the place that is now Cincinnati “Losantiville.” They claim Losantiville combines bits of Greek, Roman, French, and English to create a word that means “City on the mouth of the Licking River.” How can Moonalice legend argue with the mouth of the Licking?

The set list:

According to Moonalice legend, most snow in Michigan falls when the temperature is above zero degrees Fahrenheit. While this may not be the most insightful aspect of the legend, it has certainly stood the test of time. It also proved to be correct during the band’s visit to Ann Arbor, when the mercury was solidly in plus territory for the first time on this tour. As a result, heavy snow felt like a blessing!

According to local legend, Ann Arbor was founded by two land speculators, who named the town for their wives. One of them built a saw mill on the site. Local Native Americans saw the mill and said “Kaw Goosh Kaw Nick! Kaw Goosh Kaw Nick!” (We’re not making this up; it’s in Wikipedia.) This is where local legend breaks down and Moonalice legend takes over. The locals thought the Native Americans were mimicking the sound of the saw mill. Moonalice legend knows better. In Moonalice, Kaw Goosh Kaw Nick means, “only a white man would saw lumber instead of growing hemp or playing bass!”

TLG’s Reed Mathis requested and then played bass on People’s Parties.

February 12, 2008
Fan Mail from Everest Moonalice

For the record, Everest Moonalice appeared first at the Fillmore concert way back in '08, claiming his name derived from having the "highest point of view." Others believed it was the "snow on the mountain" that made it seem right, as Everest's crown of white locks could be seen well, even in the dimly lit corners of the divey bars in which Moonalice Band was known to perform. Everest was frequently heard muttering terms like "absolute synchronization" and "induced-synasthesia" and The Future of Music. Even when the spaceships came to take him away, Everest was reluctant to leave until he was sure he could hyperlink himself back to the present anytime he wanted.

The set list:

According to Moonalice legend, the city of Milwaukee is located on the site of the Upper Midwest Pow-wow of the Moonalice tribe, a pow-wow that dates back a couple of millennia. Traditional history claims that the city got its name from either the Algonquin (“Good Land”), the Pottawotami (“Place Near Water”), or the Ojibwe (“Pleasant Land”), but Moonalice legend knows better. Way better. In Moonalice, the word “Milwaukee” means, “beer is better with hemp.” To the surprise of no one, the audience confirmed the legend.

The temperatures in the upper Midwest this week have been at or below zero – before wind chill. No matter. Every show on this tour has been awesome. The exclamation point on a great evening in Milwaukee came when TLG’s Trevor Garrod and Josh Clark joined us on stage for Goin’ Down the Road Feelin’ Bad.

The set list:

According to Moonalice legend, George Stevens, the man who founded Stevens Point, Wisconsin was a chief in the local Moonalice tribe. Ol’ George was a saloon-keeper of great repute. His four saloons were the centerpiece of the town from its earliest days. George’s insistence on serving whiskey by the pint was the stuff of local legend and formed the basis for the town’s name. Steven’s Pint didn’t become Steven’s Point until the spirit of prohibition reared its ugly head. But this is only half the story. As usual, Moonalice legend has the rest. George Stevens didn’t just serve whiskey. Duh. His back rooms dispensed tons of Medical Hemp products. As any chef will tell you, “a pint’s a pound the world around.” The minimum quantity on offer was a pint of George’s hemp, and the locals were known to stand around for days, both before and after purchase.

It was a gazillion degrees below zero in Stevens Point, but not in the University Center. Everyone there was nice and toasty!

The set list:

According to Moonalice legend, size matters differently than you think. Big can be good, no question. But small has its place. History attributes the name Minneapolis to the community’s first school teacher, who is said to have combined the Dakota word for water with the Greek word for city. Nice try. Way before the white man got to there, Moonalice tribe members inhabited the region. We consulted our trusty Moonalice-to-English dictionary and discovered that the Moonalice word “minne” actually means “small bag of hemp”. Now ask yourself which explanation is more likely: City of Water or City of Small Bags of Hemp? To us, the answer is obvious.

The gig at the Cabooze added once again to Moonalice legend. In the hours before the show, Chubby Wombat came down with a stomach flu and was losing it from both ends. Fortunately, a busload of nurses from the Mayo Clinic came to the show. They administered CPR, sensual massage and all the other treatments for stomach flu. The nurses saved the day, the show went on, and went so well that the audience demanded (and got) an encore from us as the opening act. Minneapolis rules!

The set list

According to Moonalice legend, the famed ballplayer-turned-evangelist Billy Sunday was not a member of the tribe. Well, duh. Billy was a big time proponent of Prohibition. Obviously not a Moonalice. But Billy hailed from Ames, Iowa, which is the home of Iowa State University and birthplace of Peter Schickele, PDQ Bach. We’ve never met Mr. Bach, but we’ve heard his music. It positively reeks of Moonalice.

Moonalice legend also holds that quality control is of paramount importance. The tribe has long believed in the power of testing its products, often at the gatherings known as gigs. In the years since the prohibition of hemp, the tribe has sought to diversify its testing services. We discovered that tribe members in Ames are part of that diversification. Ames is home to the National Animal Disease Center, where “all American Mad Cow Disease samples are tested, among other things.” Moonalice tribe members know what those “other things” are. Everyone knows that the best way to mollify a grumpy cow is to feed her some prime hemp buds. Works every time.

The band’s journey to Ames is a new chapter in the legend . . . or a possible sequel to Spinal Tap. We left Davenport after the gig in a bus with no snow tires and a driver from Florida who didn’t like winter driving. We got on Highway 80, went a couple miles and stopped. Black ice. The driver didn’t want to go on. We pulled off the road in the lovely town of Walcott and spent the night at a Day’s Inn. By the time we got to Ames – only 193 miles from Davenport – it was 3:30 the following afternoon. Tea Leaf Green, which left Davenport twelve hours after we did, arrived only five minutes behind us. It didn’t matter. The gig was awesome.

The set list:

According to Moonalice legend, it always snows in Davenport. We don’t whether it is the influence of the Big River or Highway 61, but every time we go to Davenport Highway 80 is a hockey rink with white powder on top. Whatever their impact in winter, the Mississippi and Highway 61 are the foundation of the long and magical musical history of Davenport. According to Wikipedia, “Davenport was founded in 1836 by Antoine LeClaire and named after his friend Colonel George Davenport after a singing of a peace treaty ending the Black Hawk War.” Singing a peace treaty. What a beautiful notion. No wonder we like Davenport so much.

The set list:

According to Moonalice legend, January 12 is Amos and Andy Day. The original radio show began this day in 1928, with two white guys impersonating a whole lot of black people. We don’t pretend to understand the significance of Amos and Andy Day, but thought we would pass it along in the interest of the legend.

During our stay in Girdwood, we consulted a Moonalice-to-English dictionary and learned that the definition of Alyeska (in Moonalice) is “huge pile of white stuff; spending time there will get you high.” We don’t pretend to understand the significance of this either. That said, Girdwood is as nice a place as we have ever been and the fans there cannot be beat!

The set list:

According to Moonalice legend, altitude is positively correlated with fun. Over the centuries, tribe members have discovered many ways to gain altitude. The also discovered that combining virtual and physical altitude enhancements is a particularly powerful driver of the fun meter. Experiments in applied altitude enhancement were widely evident at the Sitzmark on this Friday night in January.

Browsing through the Moonalice legend archives, we discovered that January 11 was a momentous date in the history of the tribe. In 1913, Hudson introduced the first automobile with a hard top. Why was this introduction such a big deal? Have you ever tried to light a smoke in a fast moving convertible? Hard tops also produced a very desirable increase in back seat privacy, which led to the discovery of the drive-in and lover’s lane. Hudson changed the course of civilization with this innovation.

The set list:

According to Moonalice legend, January 9 was an historic day for the tribe. History shows that on January 9, 1793, a Frenchman named Jean-Pierre Blanchard attempted the first hot air balloon launch in America. The event occurred in Philadelphia and it was an A-list party. In attendance were President George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, Henry Clay and Paul Revere, among others. The day was a huge success, as Blanchard took off, floated a mile in the air and then fifteen miles downwind, landing in New Jersey.

It has been widely reported that prior to Jean-Pierre’s take-off, President Washington passed something to the would-be balloonist. The history books suggest that Washington gave Blanchard a note to show people he met upon landing, just in case they thought he was from outer space. That didn’t sound credible to us, so we consulted Moonalice legend. Naturally, we found the full story.

Anyone who has seen the movie National Treasure knows that Washington, Jefferson, Adams, et al were members of the Masons. What they don’t know is that these patriots were also members of the Moonalice tribe. Washington was an enormously successful hemp farmer in Virginia, and well known for the quality of his product. Moonalice legend reveals that what Washington gave Blanchard was a tightly rolled hemp product. He was reported to have said, “Yo Jean-Pierre! If you’re going to be a mile high, you might as well be eight miles high! Happy landings!!”

The set list:

According to Moonalice legend, Anchorage was the northern outpost of the Pacific hemp trade in the late 18th century. Apparently there is an untold chapter of Captain James Cook’s third voyage of exploration, during which the good captain sailed north from Tahiti to Alaska. He came up the inlet to what is now Anchorage and dropped anchor. What the history books don’t reveal is whether Captain Cook sold a major cargo of Tahitian hemp to the natives he met in Anchorage ... or whether the captain sampled some of the cargo. We believe the evidence suggests that both are correct. Why? Captain Cook, who was the finest seaman and mapmaker of his generation, mistook the inlet (which is salt water) for a river (which is fresh). Moonalice legend suggests that the captain had to be buzzed to make a mistake like that. Then Captain Cook went to Hawaii, where a different group of natives killed him for reasons that remain shrouded in the fog of history. We’ll leave exploration of that part of the legend until the band goes to Hawaii.

The band’s first gig of 2008 was in a theater attached to Anchorage’s city library. It was a beautiful winter evening … almost all day long. The sun came up around 10:30 in the morning and set around 4pm. Talk about rock ‘n’ roll hours!

The set list: