According to Moonalice legend, there are THREE Blue Moons tonight. The first is the beautiful woman right up here on stage, Blue Moonalice. The second is a strain of herbal entertainment by the same name, dedicated to the beautiful Blue. And the third is way, way, way up in the sky. Tonight is the second full moon of the month and all evidence suggests that this Blue Moon is also dedicated to our tribe. Can anyone remember the last time there was a celestial blue moon on New Year’s Eve? I know I can’t, but other factors may be affecting my memory. Wikipedia claims there was one in 1990, but I’m not buying it. By the way, there won’t be another Blue Moon full moon on New Year’s Eve until 2028. I recommend we reconvene right here.

According to Moonalice legend, the Point Arena lighthouse is closer to Honolulu than any other point on the U.S mainland. We can't see it from here, but I smell something yummy that must be from Hawaii. If you are lucky, the birthers will decide Point Arena is a foreign country, just like Hawaii!

According to Moonalice legend, this town is home to an endangered rodent known the Point Arena Mountain Beaver. We don’t know much about the Point Arena Mountain Beaver, except that Wikipedia claims it is mysterious. Moonalice legend suggests the real issue is that the Point Arena Mountain Beaver likes to mate on a huge bed of fresh hemp plants. The beavers have their medical cards and grow their own, but insist growing a dozen plants per beaver. The DEA came down hard on them. Now they’re endangered.

According to Moonalice legend, on this day in 1759, an Irish fellow by the name of Arthur Guinness took out a 9,000-year lease on some land in Dublin and built a brewery, which he named after himself. His original plan was to brew hemp beer, but it gave him the munchies, so he switched to stout.

According to Moonalice legend – and Wikipedia - Point Arena has way more men than women. For every 100 women, there are 110 guys. The imbalance is even greater among those 18 and under. We have no idea what this means, but the tribe salutes your social experiment.

According to Moonalice legend, today’s poster features famous Moonalice twins who inhabited Mill Valley nearly 100 years ago. Their names were Tweedle-Dopey and Tweedle-Doobie. Dopey was the boy. Doobie, the girl. Their parents were permissive even by Moonalice standards. Not only did the kids have total freedom to run around town from the time they were toddlers, they were also encouraged to roam their minds. Today’s poster depicts the day the twins decided they were going to go sledding in order to eliminate preventable blindness. Of course there was no snow in Mill Valley, so the whole thing had to be a hallucination until Wavy Gravy came along. Then it was breakfast in bed for 400,000, followed by goodness for all.

According to Moonalice legend, today is the 92nd anniversary of the day when Father Flanagan started Boys Town in Nebraska. The goal of Boys Town was apparently two-fold: to create a farm village for wayward boys and to create a movie script for Spencer Tracy. A farm village for wayward boys sounds like a promising concept for the Moonalice tribe, but no one knows what they grew there. It’s worth noting that Boys Town’s most famous alum was Charles Manson, who claims to have gotten everything he needed from Boys Town in only four days, after which he felt prepared to make his mark on the world.

According to Moonalice legend, the early white settlers arrived in Mill Valley to find the Coast Miwok tribe. The Miwoks were cool, and long time pals of the Moonalice tribe. Unfortunately, they were slow to figure out the white peoples’ program and fell victim to it in a way that the Moonalice avoided. You see, the Miwok were smart and hardwork. The white people liked that. First thing you know, they (quote) converted (unquote) the Miwoks to Catholicism and put them to work as (quote) indentured labor (unquote). With the Moonalice, the story was totally different. The Moonalice smoked hemp, played bass and spent most days in a stupor. The White people took one look and decided to become Republicans.

According to Moonalice legend, Sebastopol is the Gravenstein capital of the world. We understand this may also be a capital for Moonalice’s favorite species, hemp. So for the very first time, we’re going to have species against species show-off, Battle of the Plants. Tonight’s competition is between Gravenstein Apples and Moonalice’s favorite Sonoma County Herbal Product. According to Wikipedia, Gravensteins are sweet, tart and especially good for baking. The same can be said for the favorite crop of our tribe. Let’s call that one a push. Gravensteins have (quote) variable ripening times (unquote). The same is true for our crop. That one is also a push. Apparently Gravensteins have short stems. Our crop has annoyingly long stems. We’ll give Graventsteins that one. Let’s review the score so far: Gravenstein’s have won one and tied two; Hemp has won none and tied two going into the grand finale: elevation. Which crop gets you high? I can’t hear you, Gravenstein! Holy cow! Major comeback victory for Moonalice herbal delights against tonight’s never-say-die competitor, the Gravenstein Apple. That’s it for today’s show-off. Tune in next time for another exciting Battle of the Plants.

According to Moonalice legend, tonight’s poster features Apple Pie Moonalice, daughter of Hopmonk Moonalice, an early resident of these parts. Apple Pie was a real sweetie. Her baked goods were so fantastic they were only known within about a mile of here. You see, Apple Pie’s baked goods had a secret ingredient which left the muncher with an unshakable feeling of peace on earth and good will towards men (and women). It produced such an overwhelming euphoria that no one ever shared the secret. We’re told, however, that it has been passed from mother to daughter through generations . . . and may be with us here tonight!

According to Moonalice legend, the aforementioned Apple Pie Moonalice – the one from tonight’s poster – could bake anything, but she was particularly skilled at brownies. She had several specialty brownies: • The Blue Hawaiian – it was a macadamia nut hemp brownie with a slice of pineapple and a tiny Chinese parasol – • The Henry – which was based on Acapulco gold and caused instant blindness • And finally, the coup de grace: The Sugaree – this tasty morsel was based on a local herb known for its smooth taste and strong finish If any of you has an extra one of these treats handy, we hope you will share.

According to Moonalice legend, on this day in 1972 Apollo 17 landed on our home plutoid, the Moon. The astronauts had a really cool rover and tooled around for several days. One of the things they brought back with them was a tablet that is sacred to the Moonalice tribe. On the tablet is inscribed the One Commandment: Don’t Do anything I wouldn’t do.

According to Moonalice legend, Fairfax was the location of the first Moonalice tribal tug-of-war. Rope is a byproduct of hemp agriculture – Big Steve calls it a side effect – and the tribe supported itself by selling rope and hemp sails for ships. But inside the tribe, no one had much use for rope. It tasted horrible when you smoked it. But a clever guy by the name of Three Sheets Moonalice figured out that you could use it to settle arguments. That was the beginning of tug-of-war. But Moonalice is a fundamentally lazy tribe, so the mere threat a tug-of-war was usually enough to cause everyone to smoke a fat one until they forgot what they were arguing about.

According to Moonalice legend, the tribe’s band – us – has gone through a metamorphosis in recent weeks. We are now a quintet. We think of ourselves as the High 5. If we want to get high with someone, we just use the traditional band greeting.

According to Moonalice legend, today, December 5, is a high holy day in the Tribe. On this day in 1933, Utah became the 36th state to ratify the 21st Amendment to the Constitution. Do you remember the 21st Amendment? It ended Prohibition. Alcohol may only be a back-up form of entertainment in the Moonalice tribe, but we stand up for the rights of drinkers!!! We believe everyone should be free to imbibe whatever entertainment they can handle without bothering anyone. By the way, it is traditional for the tribe to celebrate this great anniversary by smoking up a storm.

According to Moonalice legend, December 5 is the Day of the Ninja. Originally created to promote the whole Ninja vs. Samurai fighting thing, it has evolved into a International Creep Like a Ninja Day, a Ninjas vs Pirates celebration which some people consider an alternative to International Talk Like a Pirate Day. Ridiculous. No matter how sneaky, no day can match Talk Like A Pirate Day. Arrrr!!!

According to Moonalice legend, the Crystal Bay Casino sits near the site of Crystal Caverns, the oldest known Moonalice settlement in Nevada. Crystal Caverns was home to a band of stoned age Moonalices. They lived in the cave and passed the time by painting on the walls. Like other cavemen, the Moonalices painted images of the animals they hunted. Unlike most cavement, however, they also painted the gods they worshipped, specifically the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Today’s poster shows the image. If you want to visit Crystal Caverns, you had better be prepared to smoke yourself into a stupor. There is no other way to find the place.

According to Moonalice legend, today is the 335th anniversary of the founding of Chicago, Illinois by Jacques Marquette Moonalice. History claims that Father Jacques was there to minister to the Illiniwek tribe, but the legend tells the real story. Father Jacques was a terrible farmer and couldn’t play a lick on bass, but he was one hell of an importer. The Illiniwek had never experienced the wonders of hemp until the Good Father arrived from Europe with a huge brick of hash. The Illiniwek decided he was a god and immediately asked him to move in. The rest, as they say, is legend.

According to Moonalice legend, today is the anniversary of the martyrdom of Santa Barbara. Legend tells us that Santa Barbara traveled the world on Christmas Eve, delivering gifts of hemp to Moonalice boys and girls. As the patron saint of people with the munchies, Santa Barbara was known to consume giant bags of Cheetos and quarts of Ben & Jerry’s in a single sitting. Over time, she put on a lot of weight, which eventually became a problem on Christmas Eve. She got stuck in a chimney and never got out.

According to Moonalice legend, on this day in 1867, a retired farmer by the name of Oliver Kelley Moonalice founded the National Grange of the Order of Patrons of Husbandry, a fraternal organization of farmers that survives to this day. The idea behind the Grange was to create a way for farmers to work together for their collective good. Among its many accomplishments, the Grange was responsible for the creation of the first head shops in America. Sadly, they didn’t have enough political weight to stop the Marihuana Tax Act of 1937. The best they could do was to get Congress to pass the Hemp for Victory Act at the beginning of World War II.

Other acts: New Riders of the Purple Sage

According to Moonalice legend, today is the 116th anniversary of the first time that women were allowed to vote in a national election. It occurred in New Zealand. When asked to comment, the local Moonalice matriarch inhaled very deeply before she observed, “Politics is bullshit, but it’s time to let women participate in the bullshit.”

According to Moonalice legend, today is independence day in Hawaii! In 1843, both Britain and France recognized Hawaii as an independent country. Apparently, they were hoping that formal diplomatic relations would give them better access to hemp and coffee. The Hawaiians, of course, had a different idea. They drank all the coffee and smoked all the hemp until the Americans took over.

According to Moonalice legend, the press is way too excited about yesterday’s Tiger Woods SUV crash. We’re relieved that Tiger is okay, but we don’t understand what the big deal is. First of all, who among us hasn’t backed out of the driveway straight into a fire hydrant, then popped the Ol’ Cadoo into Drive and rammed it straight into a neighbor’s tree? Be honest! This kind of shit happens in Florida all the time. If Mrs. Woods hadn’t used a driver to break the car window, no one would have given this story a second thought. The only question on our mind was whether Mrs. Woods was trying to hit the window . . . or Tiger.

According to Moonalice legend, the name Tampa derives from the Calusa Indian word that means “sticks of fire”. Apparently the Calusa invented matches, which made them strategic partners to the Moonalice tribe, who spent centuries trying to get them hemp lit before the invention of lighters.

According to Moonalice legend, when the Spanish explorers arrived in the 16th century they were looking for gold. De Sota came ashore and the first person he met was Wally Gator Moonalice, who was passed out on the beach after a massive smoke out the night before. De Soto woke up Wally and asked if he knew where De Soto could find some gold. Wally said he was fresh out of gold, but he had some serious hash. Being an explorer, De Soto had no sense of humor, but he really liked the hash. The rest, as they say, is legend.

According to Moonalice legend, tonight’s poster depicts Everglades Moonalice, the first Moonalice to come to Tampa from our home planet. Everglades was a couple doobies short of a stash, which proved to be a problem when he splashed down in the swamp that still carries his name. Everglades took one look at the gators and the bugs, got back into his spaceship and went home.

According to Moonalice legend, today is the 155th anniversary of the Charge of the Light Brigade. As tragic exercises in futility go, the Charge one ranks right up there with the time Hialeah Moonalice accidently set fire to the entire hemp crop in Tampa in 1934.

According to Moonalice legend, today would have been the 75th birthday of the great child actor Eugene Gordon Lee, better known as Porky in Our Gang. Porky died forty years ago, but he lives on in a complete set of Our Gang DVDs in our bus.

According to Wikipedia, no one really knows precisely when Live Oak, Florida was founded. If there was ever a record, it has been lost. Artifacts suggest the town was founded some time between 1850 and 1875 by a bunch of railroad workers who enjoyed resting under the oaks and decided to put down roots. The artifacts included unused shovels and hammers, as well as a roach clip. According to Moonalice legend, these artifacts tell an amazing story. The railroad across Florida took many years to build and hemp from the local Moonalice tribe was turned into rope and fabric for the railroad, as well as entertainment products for the workers. Given the latter, it’s no surprise that the tools were unused and the records disappeared.

Today’s poster features the great matriarch Magnolia Moonalice. According to Moonalice legend, Magnolia lived right here in Live Oak. In the tradition of the great Moonalice matriarchs, Magnolia was both clever and wise. Clever? She could roll doobies with one hand while wrestling an alligator with the other. Wise? She understood the importance of making the hemp crop last all year.

According to Moonalice legend, October 23 is Mole Day. You might assume that Mole Day is just a hangover following yesterday’s Highest of High Holidays, Wombat Day. But you would be wrong. A Mole turns out to be one of the seven base units of International Standard measuring system. It’s not a number that rolls off the tongue - 6.02×1023 – but scientists like it enough that they celebrate it today. Since we weren’t together yesterday, I recommend that we pretend it’s still Wombat Day!

According to Moonalice legend, when Christopher Newport arrived here in 1607, he was apparently a very liberal minded man. I say this because he sailed for 144 days on a ship with 105 men and boys. They arrived and established the first permanent settlement of white people. All men. The local Moonalice chiefs took one look and realized that Christopher Newport was not likely to be interested in the Moonalice matriarchy. It was all cool. But there was one major consequence. The Viriginia commonwealth focused its agriculture on tobacco, rather than hemp.

According to Moonalice legend, Viriginia Beach is famous for the first geodesic dome built in the United States. The Alan B. Shepard Civic Center is named after one of the twelve men who walked on the surface of our tribe’s home planet. Apparently someone didn’t appreciate the Moonalice connection, so they razed the dome in 1994.

According to Moonalice legend, today is the 42nd anniversary of the filming of Bigfoot by Patterson and Gimlin. This is the most famous Bigfoot video and we strongly recommend it to you. We also recommend the Flying Spaghetti Monster, whose noodly appendages keep us all from flying into space.

Tonight’s poster depicts Oriole Moonalice. Oriole was here when the Calverts arrived. She was their dealer. In the days of sail, being a hemp dealer was a big deal, and it made Oriole a respected member of the community. Lord Baltimore was a huge believer in the separation of Church and State and founded his colony on that principal. Oriole Moonalice helped him pull it off by supplying hemp. The state used its share of the hemp to provision ships of sail. The legend isn’t specific, but we believe the Church may have used it’s share to get high. That’s certainly what we would have done with it.

According to Moonalice legend, today is the 50th anniversary of the first discotheque. Exactly 28 years later the stock market crashed. Coincidence? We think not!!! It's also the birthday of White Cloud Moonalice! Happy Birthday, John!

According to Moonalice legend, Baltimore is the anglicized form of the Irish words for Town of the Big House. We looked around town. We saw the football stadium and the ballpark, but we didn’t see any Big House. So we consulted our Moonalice to English dictionary. It turns out in Moonalice, Baltimore means “Town of the Big Crabs”.

According to Moonalice legend, the French Republican calendar calls this day Tomato Day. Fortunately, the rest of the world disagrees. In Brazil, this is independence day. In Albania, it’s Mother Theresa Day. In the tribe, it’s 8x10 day!

According to Moonalice legend, Millerton, NY is located in Duchess County. That may not seem like a big deal to you, but Dutchess County once employed G. Gordon Liddy as an assistant district attorney. Liddy spent a large part of the 60s trying to put Timothy Leary in jail. In the end, Liddy went to jail for his role in Watergate. Why doesn’t that kind of thing happen any more?

According to Moonalice legend, October 17 was a HUGE day during the American Revolution. On this day in 1777, the home team won the Battle of Saratoga. In 1781, Cornwallis surrendered at Yorktown. In addition to October 17, these events share one other common factor: both battles were catered by Moonalice 420 Barbecue. Moonalice 420 practically invented barbecue. Their popularity was due to the fact that they smoked everything: meats, poultry and hemp. Why doesn’t that kind of thing happen any more?

According to Moonalice legend, October 17 is Eggplant Day. Fortunately for us, it’s only celebrated in France. On a more positive note, today is the birthday of William Anders, one of the 24 astronauts who made the journey from the Earth to our tribe's home planet. Happy Birthday Bill!

According to Moonalice legend, today is Dictionary Day. It is also the birthday of Noah Webster, creator of the first American dictionary, and the birthday of Lotsa Words Moonalice, author of the first Moonalice-to-English dictionary. Can this be a coincidence? We think not. Conspiracy? Seems like the most obvious explanation. According to Moonlike legend, today is Conspiracy Word Day, which honors scary concepts like “grassy knoll,” “Freemasons,” and “swine flu vaccine.” Noah Webster would be so proud.

According to Moonalice legend, baseball is a tribal pastime. Like the tribe, baseball started on farms and spread from there. Baseball has four bases. Moonalice has five. Baseball has bats. Moonalice has bongs. Baseball has the best grass in sports. Moonalice herb is different, but has many good qualities. Baseball has the Yankees. Moonalice has Sullivan Hall. According to Moonalice legend, there remains some controversy about the etymology of the word "Manhattan." Some say it comes from the Lenape word for “island of many hills." Others point to the Delaware Indian words for “place where everyone got inebriated.” Wikipedia claims that the Delaware version has been debunked, but our Moonlike to English dictionary says otherwise. Obviously, the editors of Wikipedia have not spent enough time in New York City to make a call on this. Start spreading the news. No matter where the name Manhattan came from, the Delaware had it right. Manhattan is inebriation at its best. We recommend you start right here, right now.

According to Wikipedia, New York County includes Mahattan, plus seven other islands: Roosevelt Island, Randall's Island, Ward's Island, Governors Island, Liberty Island, part of Ellis Island, and U Thant Island; U Thant Island? Really?

According to Moonalice legend, a lot of cool things have happened on October 16. A couple of weird things, too.

▪ 1846 – William TG Morton first demonstrated ether anesthesia at the Massachusetts General Hospital in the Ether Dome!

▪ 1859 – John Brown leads his raid on Harper's Ferry, West Virginia.

▪ 1869 – The Cardiff Giant, one of the most famous American hoaxes, is "discovered".

▪ 1869 – Girton College, Cambridge is founded, becoming England's first residential college for women.

▪ 1875 – Brigham Young University is founded in Provo, Utah.

▪ 1882 – The Nickel Plate Railroad opens for business.

▪ 1916 – Margaret Sanger founds Planned Parenthood by opening the first U.S. birth control clinic.

▪ 1923 – The Walt Disney Company is founded by Walt Disney and his brother, Roy Disney.

According to Moonalice legend, the Phillie Phanatic is a member of the tribe. I offer two pieces of evidence. First, the Phanatic’s mother. As a matriarchy, the tribe revolves around its women, just as the Phanatic does. Second, the Phanatic’s shape. Can you think of anything tribal that is green, fat, and shaped like a pear? How about hemp buds? In this harvest season, we celebrate the biggest, baddest bud of them all, the Phillie Phanatic. Go Phillies!!

According to Moonalice legend, today is International Standards Day. The tribe has mixed feelings about this. We believe it’s important to have special days to celebrate everything. At the same time, we know we will never live up to International Standards. We’re Moonalice. Our women are great, but we men are more like Mr. Magoo. We are well intentioned, but unambitious, clumsy, and very buzzed.

According to Moonalice legend, on this day in 1656 the state of Massachusetts declared Quakers to be politically subversive. I’m not sure what it meant to be called politically subversive in 1656 – particularly in Massachusetts – but we suspect it is something to be proud of.

According to Moonalice legend, the tribe is being built on Facebook, Twitter, and the web. Thank you to John Smaron - @pizzajohn07 – for being a major chief on the net.

According to Moonalice legend, Winnie the Pooh was published on this day in 1926. Happy Birthday to John Wooden, who is 99.

According to Uncle John’s Bathroom reader banana’s share half their genes with human beings. Think about that. According to Moonalice legend, this factoid explains what has been going on with politicians in Washington, DC.

According to Moonalice legend, today is World Animal Day. The legend does not specify how one is to commemorate World Animal Day, so we have a suggestion. Everyone should be a vegetarian for at least the next hour. But there is one exception . . . for you vegans, today is the one day of the year when it’s okay for you to eat bacon.

We dedicated Blink of an Eye to Marcia Powell.

Alexandra Fischer's incredible poster can be found at http://www.twitpic.com/k75py

According to Moonalice legend, Mendocino county has unusual features that ensure its place as the world’s leading center for hemp agriculture. You all know about the climate here. You also know about the green thumbed people who live here.. But did you realize that Mendocino was the first place in the world where nature provided built-in irrigation, even indoors. Unfortunately, white people removed it during the Reefer Madness mania. Laytonville was also home to nature’s most useful tree, the Rolling Paper Tree, whose leaves were vanishingly thin, perfectly rectangular, with a fold down the middle and glue along one edge. Again, white people exterminated the Rolling Paper Tree in a fit of stupidity. And so, the wonderful farmers of Mendocino County are forced to make due without the resources originally provided by nature. At first it was hard. My sense is that you guys figured it out. Thank you.

According to Moonalice legend, ancestors of the Moonalice tribe had some decent dance moves. But those moves were lost during the BC to AD changeover, and wound up in two sister tribes, the Spinners and the Hokey Pokeys. The Hokey Pokeys were never able to jump in with both feet, so they turned themselves around and went away. The Spinners, on the other hand, hit paydirt 40 years ago when one of their own started playing alphabet games with a chemistry set and sugar cubes. Her name was Terra Firma Spinner. She married a Moonalice, a bass player, moved to Laytonville, and danced happily ever after. That’s why we’re here. According to Moonalice legend, some people are Discordians. For them, today is Bureflex. If you are not a Discordian, today is Saturday. We recommend that you party like it’s 1929. According to Moonalice legend, on this day in 1820 Col. Robert Johnson at 3 tomatoes on the courthouse steps in Salem, NJ. He claimed it proved that tomatoes were not poisonous. According to Hardwood, for whom tomatoes are kryptonite, Col. Johnson should have stuck to blues, because he was wrong about tomatoes.

According to Moonalice legend, the years before Lodi became the Zinfandel Capital of the World, it was the home to the Moonalice tribe’s original Grape Ape strain of hemp. Lodi’s climate was perfect for hemp, and the Moonalice tribe prospered here until the 1850’s. That’s when a blight wiped out the hemp crop. For the tribe, the consequences were tragic. We didn’t realize that hemp had predators other than angry white people, but yes. The blight came in the form of grapes. Flaming Tokay grapes. No wonder.

According to Moonalice legend, root bear is the nectar of the gods. Nothing goes better with hemp than root bear. Here in the home of A&W, we celebrate the beverage second only to Howling Monkey in the hearts and minds of the tribe!

Other acts: Supporting Marshall Tucker Band

According to Moonalice legend, today be International Talk Like a Pirate Day. Arrrrrrr. We strapped on our peg legs, adjusted our eye patches, and made our scurvy way to the Fox. As it happens, we hear Fox be good eatin’, arrrrr. This be a high holy day fer the tribe, bein’ as how we all be descended from pirate stock. Darwin claimed we be descended from apes. His followers believe that 95% common DNA be evidence of the same. Nonsense. We members of the tribe maintain a different view. Given that we share 99.9% of DNA with Pirates, obviously it be from such scalleywag stock that we come. Raise yer pipes to our pirate ancestors! Shiver me timbers!!! Arrrr . . .

According to Moonalice legend, this area was once home to a tough matriarch named Big Fox Moonalice. She presided here long ago, ensuring that the tribe grew fine hemp and played the lowest of tones. But Big Fox is best known today as the grandmother of the hellion next door, Little Fox Moonalice. Time does not permit me to say much about Little Fox – you can find it in the Legend – exception to say that from the day of her birth, she made life hell for everyone around her. Big Fox couldn’t stand it, left town, and lived out her days eating hemp brownies and snoring loudly.

According to Moonalice legend, September 17 is one of the great days in the history of the tribe. Every few years, something incredible happens on this day. In 1630, it was the founding of the city of Boston. In 1776, they founded the San Francisco Presidio. In 1787, the U.S. Constitution was signed in Philadelphia. In 1814, Francis Scott Key finished the Star Spangled Banner. In 1859, Emperor Norton I began his reign here in San Francisco. In 1862, September 17 saw the Civil War’s bloodiest battle – Antietam. In 1920, they formed the NFL. In 1991, Linux was released. And today, we are playing this free show in Union Square. This gig may not be as big a deal as the signing of the Constitution, but we thinks it ranks right up there with Emperor Norton and the NFL.

According to Moonalice legend, the tribe played a role in the creation of San Francisco’s cable cars. In its early days, San Francisco’s growth was constrained by the challenge of getting people and stuff up the hills. The city solicited proposals to remedy the situation. The Moonalice tribe, which was never big on exercise or hard work, suggested that the city provide a supply of hemp buds at the bottom of every street to eliminate the desire to go up hill. The city rejected that idea and went with cable cars instead. To add insult to injury, the city built the system with metal cables, rather than hemp rope. In the end, the tribe got involved the old fashioned way, by providing passengers – and perhaps even cable car employees – with the finest hemp products in the land.

According to Moonalice legend, education has always been a high priority for the Moonalice tribe. The traditional tribal arts of playing bass and growing hemp require a certain intellectual rigor. Studies indicate that young tribe members typically struggle in primary and secondary education – quite possibly due to their preoccupation with tribal arts – but they excel at higher education. As a result, we do everything we can to support primary and secondary education, so that every Moonalice child has the opportunity to move on to higher grades.

According to Moonalice legend, today is Defender Day in the state of Maryland. During the War of 1812, the British attacked the city of Baltimore on this day. The locals defended the city effectively, while Francis Scott Key composed the Star Spangled Banner on a ship in the harbor. The legend says that the defenders won because of a massive smoke screen put up by the 420 Moonalice Quartermasters Brigade, whose annual fall barbecue got out of control. Apparently a strong wind blew some coals from the barbecue pit into the hemp warehouse, setting it ablaze. In the smoke and confusion, the British inhaled too deeply, passed out, and lost the battle.

Other acts: Metallica

According to Moonalice legend, the Marin County Civic Center was designed by Frank Lloyd Wright. History says it is the last project Wright worked on before he died. The legend reveals the real story. It was the last project Wright worked on before he came out of the closet. It turns out the Wright spent his whole life as a closet bass player. In true Moonalice tradition, he finished designing this building, traded his pencils for Precision Bass and disappeared into the bowels of the music business. We probed the Legend and discovered that Wright disappeared at precisely the same time as a bass player named Jack Casady emerged on the scene. Jack’s in the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame, but all he ever wanted was to play bass in the building he designed. Ladies and gentlemen, here he is, the former Frank Lloyd Wright, Jack Casady.

According to Moonalilce legend, Chris Shaw created a beautiful poster (pictured at left) for this concert, which benefited the Marin History Museum. The museum memorializes the Marin County music culture created by the Dead, the Airplane, Quicksilver, and others. The poster was created in that spirit. Unfortunately, Metallica's management felt it was their duty to confiscate the posters, rather than let the museum give them out for free. The tribe totally respects the desire to protect a trademark; asking nicely would have gotten the job done without leaving a bad taste in anyone's mouth.

According to Moonalice legend, the Moonalice tribe was living here when white people arrived in the 19th century. The tribe wasn’t very successful here – there wasn’t enough water to grow hemp. When Col Thomas Baker showed up, the tribe was only too delighted to sell the place to him. Col Baker was a good guy, so he double-checked to make sure the Moonalice matriarch wasn’t going to get angry when white people discovered oil, created the Bakersfield Sound, and succeeded beyond their wildest dreams. The Matriarch in Bakersfield – Fear and Loathing Moonalice – looked around at the desert, shook her head, felt sorry for the crazy white guy and moved her tribe up north to Mendocino County.

According to Moonalice legend, today is the 103rd anniversary of the first legal forward pass in football. Before that, football players had to sneak behind the university gym to throw forward passes and they risked expulsion if they were caught. Fortunately, society came to appreciate that the forward pass was not a public health problem and that decriminalization was actually in the public interest. It was a long struggle, but the world is a much better place thanks to legalization of the forward pass.

Other acts: with Marshall Tucker Band

According to Wikipedia, the English translation of the word Fresno is “white ash.” Apparently they were referring to a tree. According to Moonalice legend, the Moonalice word “Fresno” also means white ash, but it refers to the powerdery residue left over when you burn hemp.

According to Moonalice legend, the tribe first settled in Fresno as the result of a dream. Three hundred years ago, the great Moonalice chief Warren Zevon Moonalice enjoyed a powerful after dinner smoke and passed out under the stars. He dreamed of heaven on earth and had a vision of an elevator made of grain that would take him there. In his dream, he saw the future: an agricultural oasis at the intersection of three major highways. He had no idea what a highway was, but made his way to present day Fresno and planted all of his hemp seeds. The ground was endlessly bountiful. The tribe inhaled deeply and lived happily ever after.

According to Moonalice legend, today is the 52nd anniversary of the Ford Edsel, official automotive vehicle of the Moonalice tribe. All hail the Edsel.

Other acts: with Marshall Tucker Band

According to Moonalice legend, the city of Santa Barbara is named after one of the great Moonalice matriarchs. Santa Barbara is a distant cousin to Santa Claus. Similar jolly personality, but with a different body shape. Every year on April 20, she flies in her sleigh around the world, pulled by 8 howling monkeys, leaving gifts for Moonalice children. For children who have been bad, the gift is usually a bag of stems and seeds. But if you are good, you could expect some choice nugs from Santa Barbara’s exceptional hemp crop. So next April 20, remember to put leave cookies and milk by the chimney, just in case Santa Barbara is hungry.

According to Moonalice legend, today is Newspaper Carrier Day. Ironically, it is also the birthday of Google, which is making Newspaper Carriers obsolete. As for a former paperboy, I would like to suggest that the newspapers start printing on superthin hemp paper. If you have bought papers lately, you know that they cost a fortune, so this might just save the newspaper business.

GE and Taylor opened

According to Moonalice legend, the original Moonalice Garden of Eden may have been located in San Diego. Everything about San Diego was perfect. Sun, surf and hemp were bountiful, taking all effort out of the Moonalice lifestyle. We don’t know what happened, but the hemp farmers were cast out of MoonEden. Fortunately, things are changing for the better. We’re ba-a-ack!

According to Moonalice legend, San Diego is the largest city in America with a Republican mayor. We applaud Mayor Sanders for his opposition to Proposition 8. Our next goal is to persuade him to support Prop 420, which would guarantee farmers the right to grow only female hemp plants.

Accordoing to Moonalice legend, today is the 42nd anniversary of establishment of the Principality of Sealand is established, ruled by Prince Paddy Roy Bates. Sealand was an offshore oil rig, but for some reason, the British did not take kindly to its attempt at independence. We don’t understand that, but suspect the source of the controversy may have been agricultural.

According to Moonalice legend, today is Ganesh Chaturthi, the birthday of the Hindu god. Lord Ganesha, who was created by Goddess Parvati, consort of Lord Shiva, was part man, part elephant and all Moonalice. The Hindu legend says that Parvati needed someone to guard the door to her house, and created Ganesha out of the sandalwood paste. She had him stand guard at her door with instructions not to let anyone enter. When Lord Shiva returned from the battle, Ganesha stopped him from entering Parvati's chamber. Shiva, enraged by Ganesh’s impudence, drew his trident and cut off Ganesha's head. Parvati emerged to find Ganesha decapitated and flew into a rage. She threatened destroy heaven and earth. In an attempt to pacify Parvati, Shive sent out his people to find a child, cut off its head and bring it quickly. The first living thing they came across was an elephant. That elephant was facing north (the auspicious direction associated with wisdom), so they cut off its head and brought it to Shiva, who placed it on the trunk of Parvati's son and breathed life into him. Parvati was overjoyed and embraced her son. As a result, Ganesh is worshipped first in all Hindu occasions and festivals. According to Moonalice legend, Ganesh is one of the greats, but we suspect there may be an angle related to Moonalice agriculture. The dude’s got the body of a man and the head of an elephant. We love that, but we also want some of whatever his fans are smoking. Happy Birthday Ganesh!

According to Moonalice legend, the tribe first settled in Long Beach thousands of years ago. The climate was perfect for hemp agriculture and way back then there weren’t any white people around to mess things up. The tribe really liked it here and they maintained good relations with the local native American tribes. When white people came, they built the harbor and started shipping stuff around the world. This was the best thing that ever happened to the hemp business. In the 19th century, ships of sail depended on hemp for sails and rope, but not the flowers. So the Moonalice tribe sold rope and sails . . . and smoked everything else.

According to Moonalice legend, the Spruce Goose never should have left Long Beach. Howard Hughes gigantic flying boat lived here until 1988, when the Walt Disney Company bought it and then decided to get rid of it. Why? No one knows for certain, but the Legend suggests that Mickey and Minnie did not like the Goose’s hemp-powered engines.

According to Moonalice legend, it is now August 31, which is New Year’s Eve for G.E. Smith. Yesterday was New Year’s Day in Ancient Egypt. It’s also the first day of the rest of your life. Forget making resolutions; just enjoy yourself.

On this day in 1948, the great actor Robert Mitchum was busted for possession of marijuana. They gave him 60 days in jail. So much for making an example of Mitchum.

According to Moonalice legend, the University of Southern California may be considering the formation of a Department of Crypto-Zoology. Crypto-Zoology is the study of creatures that no one has ever seen . . . and it is one of the core academic fields of Moonalice scholars. We just got back from Alaska, where we hunted for the Common Rhino Puffin and the Arctic Hippo. The Rhino Puffin is reported to have an invisible horn that it uses to spear fish. The Arctic Hippo is exceptionally large and is rumored to disguise itself as a boulder in rivers or a small island in larger bodies of water. While we had no confirmed sightings, we are pleased to report evidence of the presence of both Crypto-Critters. Around here, we are in hot pursuit of the Fire Breathing Knucklehead, a near sighted member of the moron family that may be responsible for the forest fires around here. If Crypto-Zoology sounds like your kind of academic field, we would encourage you to write the president of USC and demand the creation of a new department. The president’s name is Steven Sample. We have the address and phone number if you are interested.

According to Moonalice legend, a great mystery exists about why LA doesn’t have a professional football team. You used to have a football team. More than one, in fact. But that experiment was apparently deemed to be a failure. Why? We consulted the Legend and discovered the truth. It turns out that professional football in LA posed a threat to the Moonalice way of life. Each year the local hemp harvest suffered as crops went to seed while LA fans stayed glued to their games. You can imagine the quality crisis that resulted from this. It was clear that LA just wasn’t able to balance a life of hemp AND professional football. Obviously, the football addiction had to go. We feel bad about that, but hemp must always take precedence over fun and games.

According to Moonalice legend, August 29 has been an important day in history. Today is the 43rd anniversary of the Beatles’ last concert. On this day in 1786, an armed uprising of Massachusetts farmers was the first tax rebellion in America. Shays Rebellion accomplished nothing other than inspiration for generations of birthers and tea baggers. Today is also the 167th anniversary of the Treaty of Nanking, which ended the first opium war. How they all got it together to have a second opium war after that is beyond us. Elsewhere in war news, today is the 148th anniversary of the Second Battle of Bull Run, where the 420 Moonalice signal brigade distinguished itself with billows of hemp smoke that confused the Yankees and motivated the Confederate soldiers to victory.

According to Moonalice legend, today is New Year’s Day in ancient Egypt. It would also be Charlie Parker’s 89th birthday. It is also the birthday of Ingrid Bergman, who also died on this day a few years later.

According to Moonalice legend, a cruise ship was sailing up Alaska’s inside passage. The entertainment on board was a magician who had a parrot. Unfortunately for everyone, the parrot gave away every trick. “It’s up his sleeve; up his sleeve.” Or “It’s not the same rabbit, not the same rabbit.” This went on for days. As the ship approached Haines, the magician was getting more and frustrated. Then the cruise ship hit an iceberg and sank. The only survivors were the magician and his parrot. They made it to a tiny island on the Linn Canal and hung out there for two weeks without seeing a soul. For that entire time, the parrot said nothing. Not a word. Then one day the parrot shook his head and said the magician, “Okay. I give up. What did you do with the ship?”

According to Moonalice legend, the tribe has pioneered many new sciences, including cryptozoology, the study of animals that no one has ever seen. Haines is an emerging center for cryptozoology, with tribal cryptozoologists in hot pursuit of elusive creatures. On this trip, our focus has been on the arctic hippo. Little is known about the arctic hippo, except that prefers to live in streams or forests, it is nocturnal, and it spends the day disguised as a large, round boulder. We cannot confirm any sightings on this trip, but evidence of arctic hippos was everywhere. For example, yesterday there was a cruise ship in Haines. Need I say more? Okay. We went to the Chilkat River last night and saw bears and salmon. Bears and salmon are known markers for the arctic hippo. Please. Keep your eyes peeled. A sighting would mean everything to us.

According to Moonalice legend, Alaska is home to the common rhino puffin, an aquatic bird that kills fish the invisible horn on its beak. Rhino puffins are gentle birds. Every creature that has met one loves the common rhino puffin. Even the fish that get eaten love the rhino puffin. Unfortunately, the common rhino puffin is threatened with extinction. The cause is not global warming or exposure to American Idol. No. The common rhino puffin is threatened by its distant relative, the jihadi rhino puffin. Jihadi rhino puffins differ from other puffins in one important respect. Each one has a few sticks of dynamite strapped to its back. They don’t even try to fish. They just dive in after the common rhino puffins . . . and then blow themselves up underwater, killing every creature within 200 yards. Beware.

According to Moonalice legend, 2009 is the 50th anniversary of Alaskan statehood. Don’t know about you guys, but we’re really happy about it. We still need a passport to get in here, but it’s worth it because you have SportsCenter on cable. But did you know that today is the 97th anniversary of the day that Alaska became a U.S. territory? One of the ways in which a territory differs from a state is that it doesn’t have its own courts. As a result, the Birdman of Alcatraz was prosecuted and incarcerated in the lower 48 after his arrest for manslaughter. Had you been a state back then, we might well have had a Moose Man of Matanuska or a Bear Man of Barrow.

According to Moonalice legend, The Juneau What newspaper is the official newspaper of the Moonalice tribe in these parts. We noted with interest the story about the plight of bi-polar bears, whose survival is threatened by lack of self-esteem. We were also excited by the upcoming production of Tanning of the Shrew. According to the Moonalice legend, the best news comes from Juneau.

According to Moonalice legend, Ashland is very near Area 4:20, where aliens brought the first hemp plants to earth from the planet Potsticker Beta. The details are sketchy; historians spaced the details of what happened there, but one thing is known for certain. Hemp is good.

According to Moonalice legend, August is National Inventors Month. You might think a ton of really compelling stuff was invented on each and every day of August, and you would be correct. On this day in 1904, for example, the automobile tire chain was invented. On this day in 1937, the Hemp Brownie was invented by Betty Crocker’s step-sister, Aunt Jemima Moonalice, who passed the recipe to Alice B. Toklas, who made the first brownies right here in Ashland.

According to Moonalice legend, the Rogue Valley is famous for its peaches and other orchard crops. Less flashy row crops, like hemp, struggled to compete with Rogue Valley fruit until the arrival of the railroad in the middle of the 19th century. The early rail workers smoked like chimneys, but they were nothing compared to the locomotives, which were powered by hemp boilers. More than anyone else, the tribe credits Harry & David – the fruit of the month club buys – for making hemp a reality in the Rogue Valley. The huge success of Fruit of the Month Club brought so many freight trains to Ashland and Medford, that the whole Rogue Valley has been buzzed ever since.

According to Moonalice legend, Coos Bay is one of the terminus points of the Elevated Underground Railroad. The railroad emerged in the 60s, when it became clear that Moonalice agriculture might not be universally accepted in society. Moonalice farmers who ran afoul the law needed to make a quick getaway, and the Elevated Underground Railroad emerged to provide safe passage and relocation to open minded communities around the country. Coos Bay was one such community. We were reminded of this last night when Big Steve whacked a noisy compressor at the gig, which countered with a harassment suit. It was looking grim for Big Steve, but an engineer from the Elevated Underground Railroad came out of nowhere and saved the day. We are indebted to you.

According to Moonalice legend, on this day in the year 565, Saint Columba reported the first sighting of the Loch Ness Monster. We had it on good authority that the sighting occurred after Saint Columba’s first visit with the local Moonalice tribe. That was the saint’s first exposure to the blessings of hemp. As well as brownies, shrooms, and a primitive vaporizer. St Columba saw a lot of things that day, but Nessie is the only one anybody remembers.

According to Moonalice legend, Coos Bay is home to the world’s largest Douglas fir tree. To show respect for your tree, we have brought with us the world’s largest Howling Monkey truck. Your tree is taller, but our truck is louder. You should check it out after the show!

According to Moonalice legend, the McKenzie River was home to a particularly creative branch of the Moonalice tribe. Led by Matahari Moonalice, the McKenzie River Moonalices were determined to invent a fountain of youth. They labored for more than a hundred years, coming close several times. I would point to Henry Weinhard root bear as an example of a near miss. But after generations of effort, a young McKenzie River Moonalice named Minott came up with the elixer of life. He called it Howling Monkey. Hardwood tried it and saw that it was good. Howling Monkey was lost to the tribe for a time, but now it’s back. All hail the McKenzie River Moonalices.

According to Moonalice legend, Bend is home to Mt. Bachelor. Not too far away are the three sisters who supposedly compete for Mt. Bachelor’s attention. Hey guys. I don’t want to rain on your parade, but Mt. Bachelor has not gone on a date with any sister in at least a million years. The guy is gay. The legend is very supportive, but also very specific about this. What we need to do is find Mt. Bachelor a companion. Anyone have a cell phone number for Mt. Studmuffin?

According to Moonalice legend, the high desert of Central Oregon is home to the elusive Were Bear. Under a full moonalice, the Were Bear becomes intensely flatulent, with a scent that is reminiscent of the burned garlic mixed with cotton candy.

According to Moonalice legend, Eugene was once home to the largest population of Bigfoot anywhere. In the early days of the lumber trade, Bigfoot were the best at cutting and hauling logs. They worked for the local Moonalice tribe, but didn’t like the working conditions. As a result, they formed the first union in North American: the United Amalgamated International Fraternal Brotherhood of Bigfeet. The first thing they did was hold a strike, but it didn’t work. No one in the Moonalice tribe had ever seen a Bigfoot, so they didn’t notice.

According to Moonalice legend, there has not been a Bigfoot sighting in Eugene in at least 100 years. The last known appearance of a Bigfoot here in town turned out badly. The Bigfoot visited the local Moonalice tribe and had an audience with the matriarch Moona Lisa Moonalice. There was a banquet to honor the hairy guest, which began with the ritual passing of the pipe. Bigfoot was inexperienced was organic smokables, and was overwhelmed after only a few puffs. He passed out, falling face-first in his soup, splashing it all over the room. Bigfoot remained there comatose for the rest of the evening. Moona Lisa was put off by Big Foot’s rudeness, which is why Bigfoot don’t get invited to dinner around here any more.

According to Moonalice legend, today is Moonalice Duck Day. All of us are required to spend at least five minutes today, walking, talking, and quacking like a duck.

According to Moonalice legend, the tradition of running in Eugene is completely, absolutely, and most assuredly not related to the Moonalice tribe. That’s right. We have nothing against running, but generally prefer less energetic forms of exercise. Like napping. Or coughing.

According to Moonalice legend, the first white man to settle Seattle was Arthur Denny, organizer of the Denny Party. In the 19th century, people didn’t party the way they do now. Nope. They typically formed up with some guy whose name began with “D”. Of all these parties, the Denny Party turned out best. The founded this city and nobody got hurt. Less successful was the Donner Party, where half the people got eaten by the other half. The least successful of all was the Donut Party, led by the team of Original Glazed Donut and his son Jelly. By the time the party ended, ALL of the Donuts had been eaten.

According to Moonalice legend, the Seattle area has been inhabited by humans for at least 4,000 years. No one knows when the Moonalice tribe showed up, but we know they first settled near Redmond, where they went about the business of inventing stuff. One of the early breakthroughs – about 3,000 years ago – was the first digital computer. It computed in base 5. It just so happens I brought one along with me.

According to Moonalice legend, the Moonalice tribe in these parts has a long tradition of invention. Soon after the digital computer, the pre-Seattle tribe came up with the digital roller, which allowed people to make doobies with their fingers. Another huge breakthrough was the invention of rain, which made agriculture possible. Somehow the local tribe has been able to keep a proprietary hold on that invention. Other major inventions include coffee, the crosswalk, the Start button, and Jimi Hendrix, but we’ll leave those for a future visit to Seattle.

According to Moonalice legend, today is the 74th anniversary of the first Soap Box Derby. It would also be the birthday of Philo Farnsworth, the man who invented television, only to have the economic value stolen from him. Happy birthday also to Ginger Baker, Bill Clinton and Tipper Gore.

According to Moonalice legend, the ancient Moonalice tribe used to gather in town squares on Sunday afternoons for a mysterious tribal ritual. For the longest time, no one knew what they did there. Then, the city of San Francisco renovated Union Square and put a parking lot underneath. During the excavation, they found some curious things. Of course there were lots of roaches, roach clips, and match sticks. But there were also some coins, pieces of china, and a really old issue of Gold Rush Speculator magazine. The real surprise was that they found some giant heads like the ones from Easter Island. Unlike the heads in Easter Island, the ones here were all women.

According to Moonalice legend, August 16 has historically been a momentous day for the tribe. On this day in 1962, Ringo joined the Beatles. In 1977, Elvis took a job pumping gas in New Mexico, ending his reign as King of Rock ‘n’ Roll, but beginning a long second career as an inspiration for impersonators and works of art painted on velvet. But the really big Moonalice news on this day occurred right here in San Francisco in the year 420. Apparently, that’s when the local tribe started playing with matches. One thing led to another and pretty soon everybody was playing with matches, which would have been fine, except that a Moonalice matriarch by the name of Mission Dolores Moonalice pointed out that matches could be used to burn hemp, which might be more entertaining than burning your finger tips. The tribe gave it a try and everyone liked the results. The rest, as they say, is legend.

According to Moonalice legend, the Sancho Panza School for Sidekicks – located right here in Felton – is about to celebrate an important milestone. That’s right. Sidekicks from the school have now laughed at one billion jokes told by headliners. What appeared to be an intense battle between Andy Richter of the Tonight Show and Teller of Penn and Teller turned out to be a cakewalk for Richter, as Teller never laughs at Penn Jillette’s jokes.

According to Moonalice legend, this week’s wild fires around Felton are scary. We hope all of you are okay. Just in case the wild fires get close, we brought a fire extinguisher. If things get really bad, we brought some marshmallows.

According to Moonalice legend, today is the 44th anniversary of the Beatles’ gig at Shea Stadium. More important, it’s the 40th anniversary of when they opened the gates at Woodstock. It’s not often that the tribe commemorates a traffic jam, but this one had a particularly good soundtrack.

According to Moonalice legend, the Santa Cruz mountains are home to an rare and reclusive creature known as the Santa Cruz Mountain Hippo-Toad-amus. We have an example right here. The thing about the Hippo-Toad-amus is that they are really friendly. If you share a doobie with one, it will follow you around for the rest of its life, which can last a very long time. There’s no problem sharing a doobie with a Hippo-Toad-amus, but you should never kiss one. Too much tongue.

First appearance by Sheckles the Clown!

According to Moonalice legend, Sebastopol was originally founded as a Moonalice experimental community. The notion was to promote free thinking and alternative lifestyles within a tribe that otherwise focused narrowly on hemp and bass playing. Judging by our drive through town today, the Sebastapol experiment has been a huge success. Sebastopol got started with Gravenstein apples, but then traded up to wine. As a complement to hemp, wine ranks right up there with Cheetos and Cherry Garcia. We also like Sebastopol’s attitude towards relationships. The tribe has benefited enormously from your example. But we have a question for you: is it true that everyone in Sebastopol had sex in the hot tub before show?

According to Wikipedia, there is some confusion about the original of the name Sebastopol. Some say it was the result of a drunken wager. Others suggest aliens landed here and created a utopian community. Big Steve Parish claims that King Arthur was born here and he named it. Whatever the story, the apples and hemp around here are fantastic.

According to Moonalice legend, the perfect health regimen begins with a good night’s sleep. The Medicine Man General – Dr. Parish – recommends that you not get up before noon. Begin your day with wrist curls as you first brush your teeth, then consume a refreshing Howling Monkey energizing elixer. Loosen up your fingers by checking out Moonaliceband.com, Facebook, and Twitter. Then roll a couple of fat ones. Test one to make sure they’re okay. Then take a nap. We cannot emphasize enough the importance of getting enough sleep. Test another doobie to make sure it hasn’t gone bad while you were napping. Have something to eat. Repeat the above as necessary until you pass out.

According to Moonalice legend, on this day in 1888, one of the first recordings ever made was played at a press conference to promote Thomas Edison’s phonograph. You know what it was? Arthur Sullivan’s The Lost Chord. The highlight of the press conference was Edison’s demonstration of the use of an album cover as a platform for rolling doobies.

We will need to consult the Legend to be sure, but it appears this was our first show with 6 -- SIX!!! -- bass players.

According to Moonalice legend, today is Lefthanders Day. The tribe celebrates Lefthanders. Let’s take a moment to salute our lefthanders, Barry, Big Steve, and Anthony, and all of yours!!

According to Moonalice legend, this venue is on the site of one of the great myths of the Moonalice tribe. Long, long ago, in a galaxy far away The Truckee River Monster terrorized the proto-Moonalice tribe that lived in these parts. The Monster was huge and it ate a proto-Moonalice a day for months at a time. Legend has it that a brilliant young proto-Moonalice named Mary Jane proto-Moonalice ended the reign of terror. She baited trap with a bale of fine bud and trapped the Monster, which got so buzzed it left town never to return. The proto-tribe was overjoyed and immediately put Mary Jane in charge. She was a great leader. Her crowning achievement was to get rid of the whole proto thing. She did that at precisely 4:20pm on April 20th of the year zero. Unfortunately, it appears the tribe was not using calendars back then.

Today, August 13, is Mary Jane day. According to Moonalice legend, the earliest Moonalice tribe -- the one led by Mary Jane -- was agricultural. They grew vegetables and hemp and lived happily on the shore of Lake Tahoe. But they had no music. One day a small band from an obscure tribe – the Rocks – came to the Moonalice village. They had three guitars, keys, drums, percussion and seven bass players. Mary Jane invited the band for dinner in exchange for a gig. It was a huge success. The Rocks enjoyed the Moonalice ritual after dinner smoke and then played their best gig ever. Mary Jane fell in love with one of the bass players, who decided to become her consort. Their progeny form the original DNA of the Moonalice tribe. Today’s poster by David Singer depicts the First Matriarch of the Moonalice tribe: Mary Jane Moonalice.

According to Moonalice legend, Arcata will be the home of the Moonalice tribal space program. That’s right. At some point in the future, the tribe is going into outer space. And we’re going to do it from Arcata. We’re going to some volunteers, so anyone who wants to go into space with us should speak to Big Steve Parish.

According to Moonalice legend, the tribal space program will introduce a new form of propulsion to space exploration. Our fuel will be Howling Monkey Energizing Elixer. The Monkey has been propelling Hardwood for years, and we think it can do the same thing for our rocket. Again, Big Steve will be looking for volunteers.

According to Moonalice legend, today is the 35th anniversary of the resignation of Tricky Dick Nixon. We’re going to celebrate by filling the next 18 minute gap with a song.

According to Moonalice legend, today is the International Day for Indigenous People. The Moonalice tribe loves Indigneous people! We love them so much, we want to be just like them! The Moonalice tribe has been applying for Indigenous status for years. Apparently the fact that the tribe has always been everywhere isn’t enough. Neither is skill in growing hemp or playing bass. We’re disappointed, but not surprised. This kind of thing happens all the time to us. The truth is that no one has ever replied to our application. They act as though we don’t exist. Imagine that.

According to Moonalice legend, the town of Laytonville was once home to an annual tribal festival called Live on the Creek. The festival occurred in August throughout the 19th century and brought together growers and bass players from throughout Mendocino County. The whole point of the festival was role reversal. The bass players spent the weekend testing agricultural products by inhaling deeply, while the growers played bass. As you can imagine, this was hard on the lungs of the musicians and the ears of everyone in the county. This may explain why Live on the Creek didn’t last into the 20th century.

According to Moonalice legend, today is an especially High Holy Day in the tribe. It’s “Separate the Boys from the Girls Day” on farms throughout the tribe. The girl plants are getting the attention they deserve, while the boy plants get turned into rope, fabric and rolling papers. Today is a day to celebrate the divine feminine. It's a temporary reprieve, of course. Eventually, someone will pull those little girls from the ground, cut ‘em up, dry ‘em out and then burn them at the stake.

According to Moonalice legend, the month of August used to be called Sextilis. Some claim this referred to the fact that in those days it was the sixth month of the year. The legend suggests another explanation. Sextilis was nice and warm, enabling maximum social interaction within the tribe. It is no coincidence that so many members of the tribe were born in May. The only reason that the whole tribe wasn’t born in May back then is that Sextilis had only 29 days. Then the Emperor Augustus made a deal with the Moonalice tribe. The tribe changed the name of the month to August in exchange for two extra growing days in the month, which Augustus borrowed from February.

According to Moonalice legend, today is the day when Howling Monkey returned to the tribe. Henceforth, July 31 will be known as The Night of a Thousand Monkeys.

According to Moonalice legend, the town of Fairfax was home to the annual Moonalice hemp rodeo. It was a small town affair with lots of spirit. The local growers gathered in mid-July to compare their product. Favorite events included Bud Wrangling, one-handed doobie rolling, and the ever-popular Bong Hit Roping, where the winner is the one who can hold the most smoke for the longest time. But the payoff event at every hemp rodeo was the One Toke Over the Line Puff Marathon. By the time it was over, half the town was passed out in the ring. The last Hemp rodeo was over a hundred years ago, but the trime has come to bring it back.

According to Moonalice legend, today is the anniversary of Black Tot Day in the United Kingdom. Black Tot has nothing to do with Shorties. Black Tot refers to the official ration of rum provided each day to every seaman in the Royal Navy. They used to buy a shitload of rum in the Royal Navy, but that changed in 1970, when the Navy stopped picking up the tab. Some claim the change was due to cost cutting or misplaced "family” values. But the legend suggests another explanation. What if the Royal Navy wanted to switch to something less dangerous than rum? Hemp perhaps? Consider the facts. They ended the Black Tot in 1970. Hemp weighs far less than rum, which is good news on a ship. Hemp is not addictive. Hemp can be grown in England, unlike rum. It’s obvious. To celebrate, we recommend you do as the Navy did: splice the main brace! This is Navy talk for double rations.

According to Moonalice legend, today is Hawai’i Flag Day. Hawaii has had 8 flags since 1793, all but one with the English Union Jack. In a few weeks, we celebrate the 50th anniversary of Hawai’i’s statehood. Say what you will about the Eisenhower Administration, they gave us both Alaska and Hawai’i. The Moonalice tribe thinks that is more than enough.

According to Moonalice legend, the city of Bridgeport really is the birthplace of the Frisbee. You probably know that part of the story. But you probably think the original Frisbee was a pie plate from the Frisbie Pie Company. Nope. A local Moonalice matriarch by the name of Good Vibes Moonalice was experimenting with herbal cooking. She was trying to make a pancake out of hemp. It might have worked, except she left in the stems and leaf. The first pancake came out perfectly round and very flat, but it was hard as a brick. Good Vibes inhaled deeply and then whipped the pancake out the window. It flew about 30 yards before Good Vibes’ bassett hound Pokey tracked it down and slobbered all over it. The dog was so happy that Good Vibes made a game of throwing the pancake. How we got from the bassett hound to today’s Frisbee is beyond us, but we know it goes well with pie.

According to Moonalice legend, Bridgeport’s PT Barnum was a Moonalice on the inside. His immortal line, “there’s a sucker born every minute” certainly applies to our tribe. We all inhale very deeply.

According to Moonalice legend, Greensburg may be a portal into another dimension. As evidence we offer the following:

• G.E. landed at an airport called Moon

• Our flight here was precisely 4 hours and 20 minutes long

• The town next door is Hempfield

• Your town is Greensburg

Can this possibly be a coincidence? We think not!!!

According to Moonalice legend, the tribe had schools around the country where the most promising young Moonalices would go for secondary education in the fine arts of playing bass and rolling fat ones. Our study of the legend reveals that one such institution was located near here. Hempfield High was the Hogwarts of the Moonalice tribe. We understand that Hempfield High has lost its name, but it will never lose our mind . . . or its place in the hearts of the Moonalice tribe.

Today’s poster shows the great matriarch Halo St. Clare Moonalice. Her name was Halo, but she called herself Lil, and everyone knew her as Nancy. According to Moonalice legend, Halo Moonalice dedicated her life to education. A couple hundred years ago, she came to Hempfield Township and founded the original Hempfield High. It was Halo who came up with the critical insight that bass players get all the girls. She also proved that when a bass player leaves his keys in the car, it will take two hours to get the drummer player out. She was also the first educator to insist that students remove stems and seeds before rolling.

According to Moonalice legend, today is National Tequila Day. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

According to Moonalice legend, today is the 61st anniversary of the first appearance of Marvin the Martian in a Bugs Bunny cartoon. Today’s is also the 26th anniversary of George Brett’s pine tar incident. If she were still alive, Amelia Earhart would be 111 today. And she would still be lost.

According to Moonalice legend, 40,000 people in San Francisco ride bicycles to work each day. It also seems like a lot people doing a lot of work just to get to work. But there is good news. They still allow you to smoke on your bike.

According to Moonalice legend, today is Bastille Day, which is not only the anniversary of the French Revolution, but also of the day when Pat Garrett shot Billy the Kid. On this day in 1771, Father Junipero Serra founded the Mission San Antonio de Padua. The mission, in the sticks of Monterey County, is famous for the first use of fire-tiled roofing on a California mission. Have you ever wondered where they got the idea for a fire-tiled roof? It turns out that the local Moonalice tribe had a special tribal bong that fired up five pounds of bud on a bed of clay. The whole tribe inhaled continuously for hours, after which they were fully baked, as was the clay, which was shaped like half pipes that worked really well for target practice. When he saw the tiles, Father Serra realized that they would make for a snazzy mission roof, so he offered eternal salvation in exchange for them. Knowing a good deal when they saw one, the tribe went into the fire-baked tile business.

According to Moonalice legend, San Francisco used to be known as Yerba Buena. Our first reading of the legend gave us the mistaken impression that the Yerba Buena name was stolen from the tribe without compensation. That was not the case. Based on follow up research, we have reason to believe the Roman Catholic Church actually cut a deal with the tribe. You see San Francisco isn't really named for St. Francis of Assisi. It's named after St. Francis of Moonalice, the patron saint of rolling papers.

According to Moonalice legend, the town of Laytonville was founded by F.B. Layton, who opened a blacksmith shop and post office. In the early days, F.B. did a ton of business with the Moonalice tribe, when it started shipping hemp products nationwide from their farm ten miles north of town. Hemp shipping almost didn’t happen. You see, the tribe had no cash. F.B. solved the problem by teaching the tribe how to make money from hemp. You see the tribe had always given away their hemp, shipping to random post offices around the country. FB explained that the tribe could get a dollar a pound for the finest buds, which would almost pay for the shipping.

According to Moonalice legend, when the tribe first came from outer space, one of the landing sites was in Mendocino County. They called it Area 101. Here’s the deal. The tribe landed and immediately planted a golden seed, from which came some mighty fine bud. The evidence is everywhere

According to Moonalice legend, a local chief named John McCaffrey Moonalice ran out of hemp and was desperate for resupply. First he put up a big sign. It says: Don’t Forget the Magic. Unfortunately, the sign meant nothing to hemp resuppliers. If you need hemp, the traditional signal is a sign that says “George Washington slept here.” Johnnie Mac didn’t know that, so he erected a toilet across the street from his shop. We have no idea what that means or what John plans to do next, but we hope you guys will take pity on him first.

According to Moonalice legend, tonight is Bonfire Night in Ireland. By tradition, you are supposed to prepare a bonfire half your height and twice as wide. It must be made of buds no more than three inches long, arranged in a parquet pattern and lit with the ceremonial moose antler. If any of you is uncertain, please consult Big Steve.

According to Moonalice legend, the naming of this city was the result of a process that has remained a secret until tonight. Here’s the story. The whole town agreed that real estate values would get a boost from associating with everyone’s favorite holiday, Christmas, but beyond that there was disagreement. One group wanted to the name the place Elfville. Another favored Rudolph City. The Moonalice tribe offered their patron saint, Santa Sensimilla. In the end, the town Fathers ignored the Moonalice mothers and went with the traditional Red Santa. The tribe was disappointed, but after a major smokefest they forgot all about it.

According to Moonalice legend, one of the icons of the music industry has moved on to the Happy Hemp Ground. George Fullerton was Leo Fender’s partner. Leo invented the Telecaster and Stratocaster, but George was the guy who figured out how to manufacture them in volume.

According to Moonalice legend, July 9 is Ásatrú: Day of Remembrance for Unn the Deep-Minded. Unn was both an Icelandic queen and a Moonalice matriarch. She married Olaf the White King of Dublin, had a bunch of kids who played huge roles in the History of Iceland and the British Isles. But Unn’s claim to fame is that she introduced hydroponics to Icelandic hemp farming in the Middle Ages . . . and then brought hemp to Scotland.

According to Moonalice legend, George Calvert Yount arrived in this part of California determined to grow grapes and make wine. When he got here, the place was inhabited by members of the Moonalice tribe and planted with acre upon acre of quality hemp. Yount explained his plan to the tribal chief, a matriarch by the name of Napa Moonalice, who thought he was crazy, but was too polite to say so. Instead, she gracious offered to sell the place and move her tribe to Mendocino county, where hemp growing conditions were ideal. Afterwards, Napa expressed disappointment about the deal. Yount paid her in $100 bills, but they made terrible rolling papers. According to Moonalice legend, the 910 acre farm now occupied by the Veterans Home originally was originally home to Napa Moonalice, the matriarch who sold Yountville to George Yount. Napa Moonalice was a connoisseur of fine hemp and a breeder of the highest order. Her Cabernet Sativa was full bodied. Her Pinot Indica had a finish that left people speechless. Given her personal tastes, Napa allowed no liquor or prostitution within two miles of her farm, a tradition that has been maintained to this day. We just hope that Napa’s hemp has also survived.

According to Moonalice legend, Yountville is home to Thomas Keller’s world famous restaurant, French Laundry. Funny name for a restaurant, but the legend provides an explanation. Thomas Keller’s fraternal grandmother on his sister’s left side was Helen Keller Moonalice and she, too, had a restaurant here in Yountville. Unfortunately, that restaurant failed. No one knows why. All we know is the name: French Coin-Op Laundry.

According to Moonalice legend, the Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper provided by the Moonalice tribe. The tribe was Thomas Jefferson’s preferred provider of secure hemp paper. Ever wonder why there are no rough drafts of the Declaration? The Moonalice paper was so good they smoked all the drafts.

According to Moonalice legend, today is Aphelion, when the earth is as far away from the sun as it gets. It appears that the earth and sun are co-dependent. They think they want to break up, but always get back together.

According to Moonalice legend, July 4 was not always a holiday. In 1817, July 4 was the first day of construction on the Erie Canal.

Curt Bisquera played drums.

GE, Ann, Pete and Chubby played four 3-song sets in the wards before the show. Songs included Blink of an Eye, Let It Rock, Constellation Rag, Wish We Had, Kick It Open, Silver Lining, Happy Endings, and Erie Canal.

According to Moonalice legend, the town of Applegate was named for Lindsay Applegate, who was the first to arrive there. He traveled in the company of two men: Jesse Applegate and Charles Applegate. History claims the Applegates were brothers. That was probably true. But what if they weren’t?

Happy Birthday to Moses Horowitz!!! Mean ol' brother Moe tormented the beloved Curly, but always brought out the best in him. According to Moonalice legend, the Applegate River has special powers. Apparently if you sit it in long enough, your skin will bunch up like a prune.

According to Moonalice legend, there is a Moonalice Poetry museum near Elko, NV. The museum had only one poem. Until now. Hardwood and I discovered two versions of a Moonalice poem right here at the Applegate Lodge. Here’s how it goes:

There once was a drummer named Smoke,

Who played drums like a demon on coke,

He hit like Ali,

At a hundred and three,

Knocking out hits with each stroke

There once a drummer named Smokey

Played like a demon who’s cokey

Tho a genius at riddles

And advanced para diddles

Still the Feds put his ass in the pokey

According to Moonalice legend, today is Juneteenth, a holiday that celebrates the liberation of slaves in Texas in 1865. The white guys were able to hide the news of the Emancipation Proclamation for over two years. We called Twitter to find out how this could have happened. Apparently Twitter was down throughout the 19th and 20th centuries due to planned pre-maintenance.

According to Moonalice legend, the Oregon Trail ended in Eugene, after which settlers took a left onto the Applegate Trail that brought them here. Have you ever wondered why there was an Applegate Trail in the first place? There’s no city here. Applegate was actually a major agricultural hub of the Moonalice tribe. Before the white man came, all of the fertile fields around here were planted with hemp. Johnny Hempseed finished his transcontinental planting trip here. The matriarch Mary Jane Moonalice improved on Johnny’s ideas with the development of the Leaky Sack, which dropped seeds at precisely the right interval. For centuries, hemp was the dominant form of agriculture. Then came Harry & David, peaches, and mail order. The tribe moved back to California.

According to Moonalice legend, today is the 194th anniversary of the Battle of Waterloo. Do you know the story of the Battle of Waterloo? Wellington and Napoleon get all the headlines, but the real story relates to a lieutenant in the Wellington’s Coalition Army named Throckmorton Moonalice. He was in charge of the 420 Moonalice Signal Battalion of Manitoba, a small force responsible for smoke signals. The days leading up to the decisive battle saw Wellington deploy his forces brilliantly. The 420 Signal Battalion had to smoke up a storm to keep pace with Wellington, but they performed beyond all expectation. On the morning of the battle, the entire battalion passed out with severe symptoms of smoke inhalation. They slept through the battle.

Today is Autistic Pride Day. Do what you can.

According to Moonalice legend, today is the 136th anniversary of Susan B. Anthony’s conviction for trying to vote. She was fined $100. Susan B. was a bit of a broom butt, but she was also one of the great matriarchs in the Moonalice tribe. Twenty-six years ago, Sally Ride, another great Moonalice chief, became the first American woman in space. Tonight we salute the matriarchs of the Moonalice tribe.

According to Moonalice legend, the tribe around Portland has a problem with rabbits. I know this is hard to believe, but it’s true. The tribe loves bunnies, particularly the big ones with floppy ears and wide faces. But one member of the tribe got carried away and is spoiling the bunny scene for everyone. You may have seen the news that Portland’s own Bunny Lady, Miriam Sakewitz Moonalice, was arrested in Tigard yesterday when a hotel housekeeper discovered zillions of bunnies hopping around her room. Our hotel here in Portland offers free goldfish, but apparently that wasn’t enough for Miriam. Despite a restraining order that required her to stay at least 100 yards away from any rabbit, Miriam had acquired a veritable herd prior to her arrest. Speaking for the tribe, we want you to know that as much as we like Miriam, we believe she went too far. For example, the tribe is totally against putting bunnies in the refrigerator. When that happened a few years ago, the tribe sent Miriam to bed without any hemp. The tribe knows no punishment more severe than that. And that was for a first offense!

According to Moonalice legend, the early years of tribal agriculture in Oregon were fraught with challenges. The tribe got its start well south of here, before the white man built the city of Portland. So when demand grew for hemp products, the tribe had to figure out how to transport it to the big city. Taking a page from the lumber industry, the local Moonalice tossed their plants into the Willamette in the hope that they would float to Portland. That didn’t work. So then they tried putting hemp on a boat. Nobody knows what happened, but that didn’t work either. Then the great matriarch, Rose City Moonalice, made a brilliant suggestion. She said, “How about if we forget shipping and just smoke it ourselves!” Problem solved!

According to Wikipedia, Portland lies on top of an extinct Plio-Pleistocene volcanic field known as the Boring Lava Field. According to Moonalice legend, there is no such thing as a boring lava field. All lava fields are murderous . . . terrible for the hemp crop.

According to Moonalice legend, many strange things have happened on June 17. In 1462, Vlad the Impaler – the role model for Dracula – staged his famous Night Attack on Mehmed II. In 1939, the French used the guillotine for the last time. In 1972, the Watergate burglers botched their break in. And in 1994, we all saw OJ Simpson’s low speed Bronco chase.

According to Moonalice legend, the tribe has lived around Point Arena since the first hemp bud blossomed on the Mendocino coast. The tribe called it “Point Arena,” which is Moonalice for Place Where The Wind Makes It Hard to Light A Doobie.

According to Moonalice legend, the tribe around Point Arena was led by a matriarch by the name of Gualala Moonalice. Gualala was a traditionalist and great leader. Beginning in the 19th century, she warned that fishing, lumber, and tourism were fly by night industries doomed to failure. She recommended that the tribe focus on traditional agriculture, specifically the cultivation of hemp. Here we are, more than 100 years later, and Gualala’s prediction has come true . . . the tribe’s ancient crop now represents the best hope for saving the economy of California.

On this day in 1886, King Ludwig II of Bavaria died under mysterious circumstances. Known to history as Mad Ludwig, the King was famous for building fantasy castles around Bavaria, one of which became the model for the castle at Disneyland. He was also the patron of the composer Richard Wagner. According to Moonalice legend, Mad Ludwig was Moonalice on his back side. Apparently that was the side of Ludwig that got him killed by the Disloyal Opposition.

According to Moonalice legend, Point Arena is the northernmost home to the Pacific Giant Salamander. The Salamander apparently refuses even to visit Caspar or Fort Bragg. The tribe is exceptionally tolerant on all matters of personal choice. As far as we’re concerned, the Salamander is free to live wherever it wants.

Other acts: Springsteen, Phish, Nine Inch Nails, Wilco, etc.

According to Moonalice legend, back before the War of Northern Aggression this area – now known as Coffee County – was called Smokin’ Bud County. It was home to a matriarch named Bonnaroo Moonalice, who served the finest barbecue anybody ever tasted. The secret, of course, was in the smoking. Bonnaroo invented a multipurpose smoker fueled by hemp buds. The smoker cooked ribs on the inside, but also had hoses to cook lots of people on the outside. Bonnaroo’s barbecue was so popular that it drew musicians and tens of thousands of people from all over. Then came the war of Northern Aggression. As soon as she heard the news from Fort Sumter, Bonnaroo formed up a 420 Moonalice Signal Brigade of Tennessee. Her smoker proved instrumental in protecting confederate troops from reality.

According to Moonalice legend, Manchester, TN is midway between the town that hosted the Scopes Monkey Trial and the island where Jack Daniel made his whiskey. Coincidence? We think not.

According to Moonalice legend, the tribe has a long history here in Ozark, Arkansas. The Moonalice hemp business in Ozark was small time until Ulysses S. Grant appointed Fort Smith’s famous Hanging Judge, Isaac Parker. The tribe had a mortal fear of hanging – it was incompatible with the consumption of herbal entertainment – but they liked the Judge. Hanging was good for the hemp business. The Hangin’ Judge was appointed in 1875 and he was a great customer. He sentenced 160 people to be hanged over twenty years. Best of all, he didn’t just buy rope. He bought the whole plant. Smoked like a chimney. Which may explain why only half the people he sentenced actually got hung. The rest just passed out from too much herbal fun.

According to Moonalice legend, today is the 65th anniversary of D-Day. Talk about bravery. But do you know the Moonalice connection to D-Day? Neither do we. If you find one, let us know.

According to Moonalice legend, there once lived a great matriarch who came to Ozark, Arkansas from Kansas. Her name was Wakarusa Moonalice and she descended from the Japanese Moonalices. Wakarusa had many contributions to the tribe, but one of her best was Hemp Sushi. The Ozark tribe was feeling the blues, so Wakarusa decided to boost their spirits with tasty – and colorful – morsels of their favorite herb. The first Hemp Sushi was a doobie with little orange sprinkles on the outside. She called it California Roll. Then she put a big hairy bud on a bed of rice and called it U-Nugsi. The weird and colorful hemp units delighted the tribe. The only problem was that Moonalice men couldn’t figure out the chopsticks. In the end, they used them to clean the wax out of their ears.

According to Moonalice legend, today, June 5, is World Environment Day. It is the last day on which you can plant hemp in the northern hemisphere and expect it to flower properly.

According to Moonalice legend, the Moonalice tribe around Chillicothe and Peoria specialized in equipment for hemp farmers. Armed with the profits from distilling hemp moonshine during Prohibition, the tribe re-invented the family business. Starting with the steal plow in 1843, Moonalice provided hemp farmers with the best in agricultural technology. Among the greatest innovators were the Moonalice quadruplets, four identical matriarchs – depicted on Today’s poster by David Singer – whose innovations made possible the transition from horse power to diesel power. They created the first steam powered tractor, the only drawback of which was a boiler that burned too much hemp and put the operator in a coma. They went on to make a tractor powered by the only internal combustion engine that used hempoline. They called their company Lady Bug, but it got crushed by a caterpillar.

According to Moonalice legend, today is the birthday of the great Moonalice matriarch Queen Victoria. The queen exemplified so much of what is great about the tribe. Alone among great Moonalice matriarchs, she was the target of many assassination attempts. They all failed. Queen Victoria lived forever. The Legend suggests Queen Vic may have been protected by the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

According to Moonalice legend, this was the first gig of White Smoke Moonalice, drummer extraordinaire. Tyra Snow was in charge. Lois, Lyn, and Bev provided nursing support for Big Steve.

According to Moonalice legend, tribal culture is managed according to the rules of the Geneva Convention. I’m not talking about the Geneva Convention that governs treatment of prisoners of war, civilians, the wounded, and the shipwrecked. I’m talking about the one that was created right here in Geneva, Minnesota at the zero hour of the first Moonalice era. That Geneva Convention codifies laws about bass, hemp, and Confusionism. It states that a bass guitar can have as many strings as you like, but four is best. It says you can consume as much hemp as you like, but it is best to share. And it reminds us that Confusionism says that since we can’t predict the future, we should make sure to have a good time in the present. All hail the Geneva Convention.

Tonight's poster - by Alexandra Fischer - depicts Bella Madre Moonalice. Bella Madre was the first matriarch in the first Moonalice era. She presided over the Geneva (MN) Convention and cast the deciding vote in favor of four strings on the bass.

According to Moonalice legend, today, May 23, is World Turtle Day. Today is a day to celebrate turtles, tortoises, and all four legged critters in shells. Scientists celebrated yesterday by finding a previously unknown tribe of 40,000 leatherbacks on the coast of Gabon. We will celebrate by pacing ourselves and enjoying today to its fullest.

According to Moonalice legend, today, May 23, has historically been a tough day for tough guys. On this day in 1701, the English hanged Captain Kidd. In 1934, police killed Bonnie and Clyde. In 1945, Heinrich Himmler committed suicide.

According to Moonalice legend, today, May 9, is National Train Day. It is the day we celebrate the romance of the rails, and especially the Moonalice tribe’s contributions. It all began with the 15th century genius Leo da Vinci Moonalice, who conceived of the first locomotive. Three hundred years before James Watt demonstrated the steam engine, Leo sketched out a rail-based transportation system. Scientists who built models from Leos drawings discovered the brilliance of his work, but also a few limitations. The hemp-fired boiler produced enough energy to move a two-car train, but the further you went, the more lethargic the engine got. And it demanded more and more fuel. Apparently, Leo’s hemp-fired boiler got the munchies.

According to Moonalice legend, the tribe made many other contributions to the railroads. Boxcar Tilly was the very first hobo. She passed out in a box car near Baltimore in 1840 and woke up 40 years later, having missed about 150,000 miles of travel, plus the Civil War. But no one made a greater contribution to development of rail travel than Sir Humidor Moonalice, the English tribe member who invented both the smoking car and the refrigerated box car, better known as a "reefer".

According to Moonalice legend, a Moonalice matriarch named Red Queen Moonalice ruled here in Crystal Bay in the 19th century. Red Queen was a great visionary – she saw Crystal Bay as a center for (shall we say) a highly evolved form of Moonalice culture. When white people first came in 1848, Red Queen recognized the threat to tribe’s way of life. So she made up some line of bull that there was gold near Sutter’s Mill. Before you knew it, the white guys grabbed their shovels, bought some Levi’s, and took off. The next time the white guys showed up, about twenty years later, she made up more cock ‘n’ bull about silver near Virginia City. Boom. The white people took off again. By the time a third wave of white people came, though, Red Queen had passed the mantle of leadership to her son, Two-A-Clubs Moonalice. Two-A-Clubs was a few high cards short of a deck, and didn’t appreciate the nuances of his mother’s strategy. He told the next wave of white people that there was no more gold or silver, but they could find low tax rates and nice casinos in state of Nevada. And so the white people stayed forever.

According to Moonalice legend, today is the 149th birthday of JM Barrie, author of Peter Pan. The tribe has no idea what Barrie was taking when he first wrote Peter Pan, but we want some!!!!

According to Moonalice legend, May 9 is also the 141st birthday of Reno. The community is actually much older, but the name was changed on May 9, 1868 by Charles Crocker, construction superintendant of the Central Pacific Railroad, who apparently anticipated the creation of National Train Day and decided to cash in.

According to Moonalice legend, the LA area was once home to a thriving Moonalice community. In fact, they were the first humans to live here. The early Moonalice settlers lived along the beaches of what is now Malibu. They prospered there, growing hemp, playing bass, and body surfing on the beach. Many centuries later, a new tribe – known as the Beautiful People – came to town. In what would become typical Moonalice fashion, the tribe welcomed the newcomers, sharing everything they had with them. The next morning, while the Moonalice tribe members were still sleeping off that wild night, the Beautiful People put away their deep tans and fancy cocktails and erected nasty fences with signs that said “No Trespassing.” They explained that henceforth, the beach would only be available to homeowners, and that violators would be persecuted. The demanded that the Moonalice tribe move on. They moved a mile up the beach. And that’s how urban sprawl began in Los Angeles.

According to Moonalice legend, today, May 8, is the 123rd birthday of Coca-Cola. Pharmacist John Pemberton had been experimenting in his back room. His original plan was to make a hemp flavored beverage. Unfortunately, Mrs. P used up his entire stash in a batch of brownies, so the pharmacist was forced to use cocaine instead. The rest, as they say, is legend.

According to Moonalice legend, human chorionic gonadotropin is not approved for use in the tribe. The Moonalice tribe has no problem with Manny Ramirez enjoying some HCG – we love Manny and are exceptionally tolerant when it comes to self-medication – but as a matriarchy, the tribe prefers hemp to testosterone.

According to Moonalice legend, today is also the 132nd anniversary of the first Westminster Dog Show. What they don’t tell you is that the original idea was to have the dogs vote for best owner, rather than the other way around. It was a 500-way tie. The dogs realized that 500-way ties would eventually be terrible for television ratings, so they persuaded their owners to switch the format to the one they have used for the past 132 years.

According to Moonalice legend, the city of Fall River prospered during the Civil War. During that time, the city became America’s leading producer of textiles. At its peak the city had one million spindles going in its mills. All this prosperity allowed, Fall River to play a major role in supporting the war effort. In addition to cotton cloth, the city provided a brigade, the 420 Moonalice Quartermasters. The Moonalice Quartermasters were responsible for procuring and distributing hemp through the Union Army. It was a tough job, due largely to the imprecision of quality control testing in those days. Lacking today’s sophisticated equipment the 420 Moonalice Quartermasters had to resort to brute force. They smoked half of every bud to make sure it was safe for the troops. It was. At least, they think it was.

According to Moonalice legend, Lizzie Borden hired live-in servants to care for her parents. The two servants, Forty Whacks Moonalice and his son, Forty-One Whacks, were nice, but not very alert. They were passed out cold – having shared some bud in the family hemp cellar – when the axe was flying upstairs. Forty Whacks was mortified by the bloody murders, but Forty-One Whacks was smitten. His love for Lizzie knew no bounds. Not only did he cast himself as Reasonable Doubt in the musical version of Lizzie’s court case, he grew and marketed a strain of hemp that helped to pay Lizzie’s legal bills. The hemp, known as Steel Lizzie, left smokers with a splitting headache. It was very popular among masochists.

According to Moonalice legend, the worst fire in Fall River’s history started in the Pocasset Mill in 1928. By the time it was put out, the fire had destroyed a big part of downtown Fall River. How did it start? This is where history gets sketchy and the legend takes over. Unfortunately, it says nothing about how the fire started. What it provides is an interesting perspective on the importance of leaving a burning building before the cows come to roost. Guest percussionists: Webb McNamee, Schwager, Stella Xanthakos Baked goods: birthday cake!!! Twittercast #5

According to Moonalice legend, the story of Teaneck’s origin turns out to be way more complicated than we thought. When we were here last year, the legend suggested that the first Europeans had changed the town’s name from Hempneck to Teaneck. The story turns out to be more complicated. You may recall that the Lenape tribe’s name for Manhattan was “the place of general inebriation.” It turns out that the Moonalice tribe really admired the Lenape. Frankly, they were in awe of them and imitated everything. So the Moonalice tribe named this place Hempneck, which translates rather loosely as “the place of Colonel Inebriation.” Manhattan complained about the copycat name, so the Moonalice tribe demoted itself to major. So that’s how you became Teaneck, “the place of Major Inebriation.”

According to Moonalice legend, there was once a matriarch around here by the name of Mexicali Meshuggenah Moonalice. As you can see from tonight’s poster, Mexicali Meshuggenah represented all that was good in the Teaneck tribe. She was a fantastic, if wacky, chef, known throughout Bergen County for her smoked whitefish enchiladas. She was also a prolific gefilte fisherman. Her prize catch put up a strong fight -- from the Red Sea to Coney Island -- before Mexicali netted it. That 43 pound gefilte remains the record catch to this day.

According to Moonalice legend, Mexicali Meshuggenah Moonalice made a tasty hemp rugelach. Her special recipe started with a matzo ball base, to which she added the Sunday Times Crossword Puzzle, glatt kosher chocolate chips, a bale of hemp, and mole sauce. She garnished with jalapeno and guacamole. She finished the whole thing off with a nice schpritz of schmaltz and a Corona with lime.

According to Moonalice legend, May Day is a very high holy day. A man the tribe generally dislikes, Ezra Pound, had an interesting perspective. He said, “hooray, hooray, the first of May, outdoor fucking begins today.” This is also Beltane, the Irish and neopagan first day of summer, celebrated with bonfires of hemp. It’s National Love Day in the Czech Republic. Here in the tribe, it’s always National Love Day, but if you are new to the tribe, we encourage you to take advantage of this high holy day to find some love. Today is also the birthday of the Duke of Wellington, Calamity Jane, and Kate Smith. But most of all, it is the first of May, the day of planting in New Jersey. The early reports from the field are that the season is off to a very good start.

According to Moonalice legend, today is the 79th anniversary of the naming of Pluto. Talk about mean people. First they told Pluto, “hey, you can be a planet.” Then, just as Pluto was getting settled in, astrologers demoted it to dwarf planet. Holy munchkin! The tribe wants Pluto to know, you will always be a planet to us. Twittercast #4

According to Moonalice legend, George Washington’s first inauguration took place right here in New York City. It was a very festive event, themed around Washington’s pioneering work in hemp agriculture. When they asked General Washington if he wanted anything special for the event, ol’ George suggested he would love some Thai sticks. And maybe some hash oil. And some brownies. And perhaps a new hookah. The committee came through and the inauguration was a huge success. Washington got things started with a great speech and then partied all night at the inaugural ball, which was hosted by the Hemp Farmers of Virginia. The rest, as they say, is legend.

According to Moonalice legend, Sullivan Hall has played a huge role in Moonalice tribal music. By tradition, this is the place where tribal bands break out. Who can forget the incredible appearance of the Moonalice group, The Peoples, back on February 9, 1964? That show would have triggered a Peoplemania sensation had it not been for the national TV debut that same night of a similarly named band from Liverpool. The Brits took advantage of the confusion to change the course of music history. Meanwhile the Moonalice band spent the rest of its days trying to figure out whether or not Paul was dead.

According to Moonalice legend, today would be the 132nd birthday of Alice B. Toklas, companion to Gertrude Stein and an early pioneer in hemp cuisine. Alice’s brownie recipe is iconic within the tribe. We don’t have any here tonight, but we do have cupcakes.

According to Moonalice legend, tonight is the Bealtaine Eve, the beginning of Ireland’s celebration of the beginning of summer. Tradition calls for huge May Bush bonfires, which ensure a bountiful harvest later in the year. For obvious reasons, the Bealtain bonfires of the Moonalice tribe didn’t begin with a May bush. No, no, no. In the early days, they were built of whatever shake, stems and seeds happened to be left over from the long hard winter. Eventually, the tribe figured out that the best Bealtain bonfires were small personal ones, usually in the form of a bong hit or doobie. Baked goods: cupcakes!!

According to Wikipedia, the original native tribes in this area were the Shawanese and the Delaware. What gives? No mention of the Moonalice tribe? The Moonalice legend is very specific on this point. The tribe has been here since dinosaurs roamed the earth. Yes, indeed. According to Moonalice legend, the tribe in those days showed far more initiative than it does now. They had two occupations, funeral homes and farming, and their hard work in those areas made our way of life possible. You see, the Moonalice undertakers buried dinosaurs while the farmers farmed dinosaur poop. The carcasses eventually turned into petroleum, while the poop turned into coal. So what I’m saying is that the tribe is responsible for global warming. Go figure.

According to Moonalice legend, Wilkes-Barre was a major stop on the Underground Railroad. The station master in those days was N. Phineas Moonalice, who didn’t realize that the Underground Railroad had a timetable and expected him to keep the trains on time. Phineas thought his job was to wear a uniform with a nice hat and provide fresh doobies to passengers exiting the railroad at Wilkes-Barre. Management of the Underground Railroad as about to come down hard on Phineas when they discovered that his doobies were doing wonders for sales. Slaves throughout the south considered the alternatives – slavery or doobie – and without exception they chose the Underground Railroad to Wilkes-Barre.

Wikipedia claims that the first customers for cable programming got HBO in 1972 in Wilkes-Barre. Apparently they don’t count Moonalice’s pioneering contribution to pay cable – a 1968 live broadcast of the first 4/20 smokeout in Tokalot County. One explanation for the oversight may have been the failure of that broadcast. The entire Moonalice Television Network team passed out just before show time and viewers saw nothing but a test pattern. For reasons to no one can explain, the tv audience thought the test pattern was fantastic, causing the Moonalice Television Network to rebroadcast it every year since then.

According to Moonalice legend, Wilkes-Barre is the birthplace of Mister Peanut. The tribe believes in mascots – we travel with a bunch of them – but Mister Peanut is special. It’s not just the top hat and monacle. It’s the fact that Mister Peanut doesn’t wear pants. For a guy with nuts in his name, that is very brave.

According to Moonalice legend, today is the first anniversary of the death of Dr. Albert Hoffman, the inventor of LSD. Dr. Hoffman invented LSD when he was 37 and then lived to be 102. Coincidence? We think not!!!

According to Wikipedia, the Sellersville Theater used to be the stables for the Washington Inn. That didn’t sound right, so we consulted the legend. According to Moonalice legend, this was actually the site of the curing barns for the local Moonalice tribe. Don’t believe me? Inhale deeply. See what I mean?

According to Moonalice legend, the Lizzie High Doll Factory here in Sellersville makes the best high dolls in the known universe. The tribe likes its dolls the way it likes itself, high.

According to Moonalice legend, the Phillie Phanatic is completely normal. It’s the rest of us who look funny.

According to Moonalice legend, April 28 is Workers Memorial Day, a day of remembrance for workers killed, disabled, injured or made unwell by their work. Let me ask: has any of you been made unwell by work? Me, too. That’s why April 28 is a high holy day in the tribe.

Tonight we put a fan in charge: Maura Tweedie. She did a fantastic job.

According to Wikipedia, Arlington was home to George Washington Custis, his daughter Mary, and his son-in-law, Robert E. Lee. Wikipedia says that Custis was a “far sighted agricultural pioneer.” He was also the step grandson of the legendary hemp farmer, George Washington. Putting two and two together, we consulted the Moonalice legend. To no one’s surprise, the legend reveals that the Custis-Lee plantation rivaled Mount Vernon in terms of hemp production. If you find that hard to believe, go to the cemetery and imagine that every gravestone is a hemp plant. If that doesn’t work, light up your favorite herbal remedy and try again.

According to Moonalice legend, today is the 199th birthday of Beethoven’s composition “Fur Elise.” It turns out that Elise was not even remotely furry, but she was all Moonalice. She had a very green thumb. Apparently her agricultural prowess contributed to Beethoven’s creativity. God knows it has been indispensible to generations of parents forced through their children’s endless performances of Fur Elise.

According to Moonalice legend, today is the 250th birthday of Mary Wolstencraft, a Moonalice matriarch who wrote books and practically invented feminism. She was the mother of Mary Shelley, the woman who wrote Frankenstein.

According to Moonalice legend, Arlington County used to be run by the Moonalice tribe. How do we know? Wikipedia says the county misplaced a town in 1930. Who but the Moonalice tribe could lose a whole town? Apparently, the locals got really buzzed and forgot where they put Potomac, which soon became known as the lost town of Virginia. Fortunately, Potomac was eventually rediscovered by the National Register of Historic Places. Apparently they are keeping a really close eye on the place to make sure it doesn’t disappear again.

Today is also the birthday of Ulysses S. Grant, Coretta Scott King, Jim Keltner, and Frank Abignale, Jr. In South Africa, today is both Freedom Day and Unfreedom Day. Very Discordian.

According to the American Podiatric Medical Association, Arlington is the best city in America for walking. According to Moonalice legend, it is also a fine city for the consumption of tribal herbal entertainment.

According to Moonalice legend, Arlington used to be part of the District of Columbia. In the first half of the 19th century, the district had two counties, the southern of which was Arlington. After nearly fifty years as part of the District, residents of Arlington petitioned Congress to rejoin Virginia. Wikipedia says the locals wanted to preserve slavery. The Moonalice legend has the real story. In those days, Arlington harbor was very active in all manner of trade. It was a particularly big player in the hemp trade. The locals anticipated that Congress would eventually get really weird about hemp and decided to hitch their wagon to Virginia.

According to Moonalice legend, today is World Malaria Day. In the spirit of the day, we went down to WalMart to buy you all some malaria, but they were out of stock. Maybe next time.

According to Wikipedia, this area was occupied by native tribes beginning around 1000 AD. Wikipedia talks about the Cacapon, Opequon, Shawnee and Tuscarora, but they make no mention of the Moonalice tribe. This is a gross oversight. According to Moonalice legend, the tribe first came here during BC to AD changeover. They established a farm dedicated to production of hemp and calendars. Hemp was, well, you know, hemp. But AD calendars were a brand new thing, and the tribe tried to cash in. Unfortunately, the tribe was way too early. The first Europeans didn’t arrive until the early 18th century, by which time the Moonalice tribe had forgotten where they put all the calendars.

According to Moonalice legend, the Shenandoah Valley was the breadbasket of the Confederacy during the War of Northern Aggression. It was home to the 420 Moonalice Agriculture Regiment, which provided hemp to the Confederate army. The Valley was also home to the 420 Moonalice Signal Brigade of Northern Virginia. This Brigade specialized in smoke signals and had a very rough duty during the war. For four long years, they puffed away like chimneys, which made them more lethargic than was the standard for Confederate soldiers. Given how many times Winchester was overrun by Yankee soldiers, lethargy could have been a real problem. Fortunately, the Yankee troops doing the overrunning were the 420 Moonalice Supply Corps of New Hampshire – the Hemp Pickers. When the war began, the Pickers made a deal with their Virginia counterparts to trade Winchester back and forth to make everybody look good to their boss.

According to Moonalice legend, the first fort on this site was built in 1756 by Colonel George Washington. The one who chopped down the cherry tree. Also the one who may have been colonial Virginia’s greatest cultivator of hemp. Word has it that he left a really big stash here.

According to Moonalice legend, Winchester native Patsy Cline was a Moonalice on her mother’s side. Denied the opportunity to play bass – she turned to singing. Fortunately, tribal rituals had given Patsy enormous lung power.

According to Moonalice legend, four million people listen to the The Jim Bohannon Show. Now that we've met Jim Bohannon, we understand why. Four million new members of the tribe. Wow.

According to Moonalice legend, the village of Pultite, just down the road a piece, was named for a Moonalice matriarch. Yes, indeed. Pultite Moonalice was a woman who made a business of easy in . . . never get out. Now, now, now. It’s not what you think. You have such a dirty mind. Pultite invented the Moonalice roach motel! The tribe used them to save what was left when a whole one was more than enough. Many a mid-summer night’s fun was had with second hand smoke from Pultite’s little boxes. Best of all, the roaches were guaranteed to survive a nuclear attack.

According to Moonalice legend, when Frank and Jesse James robbed the Glendale train, the bartender in the club car on that train was named Big Iron Moonalice. Big Iron served beer, whiskey, and hemp buds. Business was slow that day, so Big Iron shared a few doobies with a guy at the bar. By the time the robbery happened, both Big Iron and guy were too wasted to notice that everyone else on the train was either dead or running for their lives. This kind of thing happens all the time to the Moonalice tribe. Worse still, Big Iron was finally awoken by a nasty bunch of Pinkerton detectives, all of whom looked like the alien love children of Dick Cheney and Barbara Bush. What happened next was too awful to describe. The morale of the story: never wake a sleeping doobie.

According to Moonalice legend, today is the anniversary of both the Great San Francisco Earthquake of 1906 and Paul Revere's Ride in 1775. It was also Ashley's birthday.

According to Moonalice legend, the tribe has a long history in the state of Missouri. According to Wikipedia, the state is named after a river, which in turn was named after a branch of the Sioux nation. Wikipedia says the name translated as “those who have dugout canoes.” Since the Moonalice tribe has been here longer than the Sioux, we consulted a Moonalice to English dictionary to see if the name might have deeper meaning. It does. In Moonalice, the word Missouri means, “those who would love hemp if they didn’t insist that we prove every thing to them.”

According to Moonalice legend, Missouri was a late adopter of hemp agriculture. This changed in the early 19th century when the great Matriarch Zoe Moonalice brought her band to this very spot. The band’s Conestoga wagon had a flat tire here on the way from St. Louis to Kansas City, so they pulled up to put on the spare. A small crowd of locals came out to help, after which Zoe offered to repay them with a free concert. Afterwards, the band and audience gathered for the post-show hang. Zoe pulled out her bong, lit it up, and passed it around. The Missourians had never smoked hemp products before and were skeptical about the whole hemp thing. Fortunately, one of Zoe’s bandmates was from Missouri. Show Me Moonalice explained the importance of hemp to the assembled multitude. He demonstrated the use of the bong, inhaling until he coughed his lungs out. Then he started giggling. That broke the ice. The locals tried the bong and liked it. Soon, they wanted the recipe. Next thing you know, hemp agriculture spread throughout Missouri. In appreciation, the locals named this place after the woman who made it all possible. That’s how it came to be known as Camp Zoe.

According to Moonalice legend, Mark Twain’s real name was Samuel Clemens Moonalice. As a boy, he made a raft out of hemp stalks, launched it on the night of the full moonalice, and floated down the Mississippi River in search of the Holy Bale of Hemp. He didn’t find it. Ol’ Sam got intercepted by a bunch of River Pirates, all of whom looked like Johnny Depp, Keira Knightly and Oliver Bloom. After the ritual exchange of “Arghs”, one of the pirates whacked Sam over the head with a bunch of bananas and demanded his hemp stash. Sam offered to trade a couple of buds for some bananas. After a few minutes of haggling, a deal was made and Sam continued downriver. For the record, Sam concluded that smoking banana skins was thoroughly unsatisfactory.

According to Moonalice legend, today is the sixty-sixth anniversary of the discovery of LSD by Dr. Albert Hoffman.

According to Moonalice legend, present day Redwood City was once part of the Rancho de las Pulgas, a Spanish land grant made to Jose Dario Arguello. If you Spanish is rusty, Rancho de las Pulgas means Ranch of the Fleas. We checked Wikipedia and they call this place Redwood City now, not Flea City. Naturally, we turned to the legend for an explanation. When the Spanish got here, fleas were a huge problem. Fortunately, a nomadic Moonalice band came to the ranch for a gig. Afterward, the band engaged in ceremonial conversion of hemp materials into fire, smoke, and ash. Senor Arguello was initially put off by the smoke until he noticed that it pissed off the fleas big time. So he paid a few hundred Moonalices to move to his ranch. Before long, the fleas were gone, the redwood trees flourished and they changed the name of the town.

According to Moonalice legend, Little Fox Moonalice – the Moonalice matriarch who lived right here in Redwood City - was three handfuls and a hickey from the moment of conception. As a toddler, her favorite activity was to steal from the family bud supply to feed her basset hound, Chowderhead, a dog so chronically buzzed that he snored like a chainsaw even when he was awake. In nursery school, Little Fox used to tip over her classmates’ bongs during nap time. By first grade, Little Fox had demonstrated three things: a brilliant intellect, an unlimited capacity for mischief, and a smile that broke hearts, but also got her out of trouble. She knew how smart she was – particularly in comparison to the tribe members of the male persuasion. Growing up, every boy fell in love with Little Fox. She was so clever that the boys hardly knew when she was making fun of them, which was all the time. She convinced the boys that if they wanted to kiss her, they would have to practice on each other. While this produced confusion at first, it ultimately led to some torrid romances among the boys. Meanwhile, Little Fox remained chaste, saving herself for someone with a really big bud.

According to Moonalice legend, today is the saint’s day of William of Occam, an early pioneer in what would ultimately become the shaving industry. Are you familiar with Occam’s Razor? This razor was sharp, smooth even. It stood the test of time. But it delivered a lousy shave. You see, Occam’s Razor says is a piece of philosophy that says that all else being equal, the simplest explanation is most likely. That’s deep, which is not normally a positive attribute from a razor. And so, the tribe celebrates ol’ Bill. We think shaving is overrated.

According to Moonalice legend, today is the birthday of the great Junior Samples, whose 14 year tenure on Hee Haw made him a role model for many in the tribe.

According to Moonalice legend, today is the 135th anniversary of the first Arbor Day, which was celebrated in Lincoln, NE with the planting of one million trees. What history books don’t tell you, is that the original idea for Arbor Day came from the ancient spring planting tradition in the Moonalice tribe. Every year, the tribe would celebrate the coming of spring by planting hemp in every nook and cranny. Europeans, whose colonial operations were based on the slash and burn techniques of the Mongol and Goth hordes, had never seen anyone plant anything besides vegetables. They thought it they could generate some good PR by appearing to do something good for the environment. But they were smart. They limited their good deeds – the planting of trees - to a single day every year, Arbor Day. The rest of the time, they did as nature intended: they wrecked the environment. Twittercast #3 Baked goods: cupcakes!

According to Moonalice legend, pirates should be like Johnny Depp. The good ones have a peg leg, an eye patch, and/or a parrot. They say, "Shiver me timbers!" and "Arghhh!"

The news media has been filled with stories of evil people attacking ships off the coast of Somalia. They call themselves pirates. We are offended. These people are nothing more than violent criminals. They certainly aren't pirates. At least not our kind of pirates. So there.

According to Wikipedia, the population of Felton declined by 80% from 1990 to 2000. Is this true? According to Moonalice legend, shrinking population is actually not a problem. More for us!

According to Moonalice legend, the Sancho Panza School for Sidekicks, originally located on this very spot in Felton, was one of the most important institutions of higher learning in America. Sadly, sidekicks went out of fashion a generation ago and the school quickly went to pot. But someone had a brilliant idea: they organized a Sidekick reunion. Most of the good sidekicks were dead, so the rest took something and held the held the reunion in their minds. It was fantastic. Harry von Zell got the Tonto Lifetime Achievement Award. Ed McMahon cheered everyone who spoke. Sancho Panza wasn’t there, but he would have been so proud. Ditto for Don Quixote.

According to Moonalice legend, last Friday’s show at Slim’s was the first “live Twittercast” concert in history. Tomorrow night’s show from Redwood City will be the second. This point is particularly meaningful as it represents the first known example of the Legend predicting the future.

According to Moonalice legend, today is the 142nd anniversary of the U.S. Senate’s ratification of the treaty to purchase Alaska from Russia. The treaty was approved by a single vote, which might well have been that of Winthrop Montague Moonalice, a senator whose career was so obscure that few are even aware of his existence. It seems that Senator Moonalice had been smoking some fine bud he got from someone who might have been the great-grand-nephew of George Washington. He passed out in the senate chamber before the vote. Before long his body began to slide off his chair. But the Senator’s sleeve caught on the arm, so that when the roll call reached him, his arm was up in the “aye” position. Eventually that led to Sarah Palin.

According to Moonalice legend, today is also the 144th anniversary of Lee’s surrender at Appomattox Courthouse, which ended the War Between the States . . . or the War of Northern Aggression, as it is known in some parts. Present that day at the signing with General Lee was the 420 Moonalice Signal Brigade of Virginia, which had served the Confederacy so well. The brigade specialized in smoke signals, and are reported to have saved Savannah, Georgia from Sherman’s army. After the ceremony, a distinct aroma arose from the Yankee side. The 420 Moonalice Signal Brigade of Virginia asked permission to examine the situation more closely. What they found astonished them. A large circle of Yankee troops passing pipes. It was the 420 Moonalice Signal Brigade of Pennsylvania!!! We all have heard stories of how that war tore families apart, but tribes? The two signal brigades spent the rest of the night comparing smoke signal techniques.

According to Moonalice legend, today’s acoustic performance at KPIG was kosher. The tribe tries to be sensitive to the personal beliefs of its members, even if it can’t understand them. This weekend is Passover to some, Easter to others, and Get Ready to Ship the Album for us. The moral of this story is . . . two bongs don’t make a light.

According to Moonalice legend, Elko was founded as the Eastern-most depot of the Central Pacific Railroad in the years before the completion of the Transcontinental Railroad. But did you know there were people here when the railroad came? Yes, indeed. There was a small Moonalice village on this very spot. It was considered by some to be the best small Moonalice village on earth. Hemp farming was not easy, so they opened a bar and wagon stop on Trail #80 heading west. Moonalice bands played every night and the travelers had a relaxing smoke after the difficult trek from Salt Lake City. When the railroad came to town, things changed. Life moved much faster. No one had time for music and smoke. They just wanted to get there. But in spite of this, the town that is now Elko persisted and then grew into a thriving community. From humble Moonalice roots, a great moonicipality was born.

According to Moonalice legend, at its height the Moonalice Bar & Bud Stop in present day Elko was the entertainment capital of northeast Nevada. The matriarch in those days was Red Lion Moonalice. Red Lion wasn’t much to look at, but she was a great matriarch. Under her leadership the Bar & Bud Stop innovated like crazy. They created Ladies Night, where Ladies got in free and guys had to pay big time. They had an open mic night, where guys named Mike got in free. They also invented the sports bra. It was actually a sports bar, but the sign painter was dyslexic.

According to Moonalice legend, the great explorer (and bass player) Greyhound Moonalice liked to stop in Elko on his travels west and east. He said he like the Cowboy Poetry Museum. In fact, he liked it so much he opened a Moonalice Poetry Museum of his own. We consulted the Legend, but we could only find one poem. It goes like this.

There once was a player named Alice She gigged playing bass in a palace Then she broke a string Which forced her to sing Which to some in the crowd felt like malice

According to Moonalice legend, today, April 4, is International Landmine Awareness Day. I don’t know if landmines are a problem here in Elko, but we’re not taking any chances. When you leave the show, watch out for land mines.

Benefit for Home Health Services of Elko. Bass players: 5

According to Moonalice legend, the tribe has spent the past two years in search of the Howling Monkey. For those of you who are new to the tribe, Howling Monkey is the world’s finest energizing elixer. It is the mead which sustains Hardwood Moonalice and has been manufactured since the end of 2006. Tribe members scoured the land on our behalf and found most of the inventory, saving Hardwood from the foul taste of lesser energy drinks for the past two years.

Our search took us to Charleston, where we found a major clue that took us to Atlanta and then Milwaukee, where the trail went cold. Then the great chief Buckhead Moonalice – who resides in Atlanta - found the Monkey Man himself . . . right here in San Francisco! How classically Moonalice; we spent two years searching the country for something that was right here under our noses all along. This morning, Harwood, Buckhead and I paid a visit to the offices of McKenzie River Company. There we had an audience with the medicine man Howling Monkey Moonalice and his team. We immediately recognized each other as members of the tribe – and exchanged the Moonalice salute. But here is the best news: we’re going to get some more Monkey for Hardwood . . . and perhaps enough for all our fans!!!!

Henceforth, April 3 will be Howling Monkey Day in the tribe. All hail the Monkey!!!!! Best of all, the people who created the Monkey are here with us tonight. Please show them some love!!!!

According to Moonalice legend, the best way to see America is to stay awake and keep your eyes open.

According to Moonalice legend, on this day in 1860, the Pony Express completed its first successful delivery. Few people know that the Pony Express was the successor to a Moonalice delivery service called Pony Whenever. Pony Whenever was exactly what it sounds like, a very unreliable delivery service. The inventor, Notsoquick Moonalice, loaded up a pony with a bale of hemp and sent it off with a whack on the butt. The problem was it never occurred to Notsoquick to use a human rider, so the pony would run just far enough to be out of sight. Then it would stop, dump its load and eat the hemp.

Bass players: 5 Baked goods: cupcakes! Twittercast #1

According to Wikipedia. Soils in the Fairfax area mostly belong to the Tocaloma Series as classified by the U.S. Soil Conservation Service. According to Moonalice legend, Tocaloma derives from two Moonalice words: loma, which means soil; and toca, which means to smoke. Soil that’s good enough to smoke. Now you know. Next time there’s a drought, you guys are all set!

According to Moonalice legend, Fairfax's first constable and Chief of Police, Andy Peri, did not understand the Moonalice tribe. He served from 1925 until his death in 1959 and had a very narrow view of what was acceptable in Fairfax. He used to stand at the Fairfax train platform with a stern look and shake his head "no" at anyone who looked scruffy, had a beard, or might be "undesirable.” Fortunately, most in the tribe were too buzzed to notice.

According to Moonalice legend, Fairfax was once home to Tamalpais Moonalice. Born in the latter part of the 19th century, Tamalpais was a big man and clever, too. Uncharacteristically for Moonalices of the male persuasion, he was industrious. He was constantly inventing stuff. At the age of four, he invented the Hempolator, which took freshly cut hemp plants and turned them into bathtubs with lion paw feet. He also invented Hempfish, which was a proto-vegan sushi that tasted like, well, hemp. But Tamalpais’ greatest contribution to Moonalice culture was the invention of hemp strings for standup bass guitars. The tone was terrible, but they smoked like a dream.

According to Moonalice legend, Phoenix Lake is a spiritual place for the tribe. Legend has it that a great Moonalice medicine man, Owsley the Bear Moonalice used to smoke hemp products on the shores of the lake. Wherever he dumped his ashes a new hemp plant with watermelon-sized buds would grow. Next time you go to the lake, try it yourself.

According to Moonalice legend, today, April 2, is International Children’s Book day. We bring this up because we are children at heart and hope you are, too.

Bass players: 5

According to Moonalice legend, John Dillinger (the gangster) accidently visited a Moonalice village near Tucson. Apparently Dillinger was practicing getaways when his car blew a tire. Lacking a spare, he started shooting. He scared the crap out of the Moonalice tribespeople, who had no clue how to fix a car. But they had some really great hemp, which caused Dillinger to pass out long enough for the tribe to flee.

According to Moonalice legend, the tribe in these parts was led by one of the greatest Moonalice matriarchs of all time: Javelina Moonalice. With the benefit of hindsight – and a little bit of Spanish – it is clear that Javelina was a totally inappropriate first name to give to a baby girl. But Javelina was blessed. She was brilliant. She was beautiful. And she figured out how to cultivate hemp in the desert. You see, Javelina invented irrigation. It’s hard to believe, but in ancient times Javelina diverted the Mighty Mississippi to irrigate her fields near present day Tucson. Her innovations changed hempiculture forever; their effects persist in the soil around here. We hope you take advantage of it.

According to Moonalice legend, the climate around Tucson is dry. You probably knew that, but the legend provides a key insight. According to Moonalice legend, the climate around Tucson may be dry, but it’s a dry dry.

According to Moonalice legend, in Chile today is Dia del joven combatiente. The holiday remembers those who disappeared. Wikipedia says the celebration features civil disorder by leftists and anarchists. We have a small piece of good news. A few of those counted among the disappeareds were Moonalice. They didn’t really disappear. They just took a wrong turn and got lost.

According to Moonalice legend, today is the birthday of the racehorse Man o’ War, as well as renowned presidential brother and brewer, Billy Carter.

Tonight's poster features Jalapeno Moonalice, one of the technical visionaires of the tribe. The poster is actually a primitive photograph, the first one ever of a Moonalice inhaling.

According to Moonalice legend, the tribe is related to the original tribe in this area – the Hohokam – on its mother’s uncle’s backside. The area that is now Phoenix was once an early center of tribal agriculture. The Hohokam had built an infrastructure of canals in the desert, and this is where Moonalice learned to grow hemp. In those days, hemp was less controversial than it is now, but it was not universally popular. Nope. The Hohokam grew many things and didn’t show much concern for their Moonalice neighbors, who were sharecroppers. Before long, the Hohokams decided they weren’t going to lease to sharecroppers any longer. They needed all their land. Perhaps it was to grow pumpkins. And so the tribe moved to California, where hemp thrived. So we owe the people of Phoenix a huge debt of gratitude. Big Steve Parish will be dispensing gratitude to all who need it over the course of the night.

According to Moonalice legend, the white man who founded Phoenix, Jack Swilling, had Moonalice blood. How else can you explain a guy who shows up in Phoenix, where it never rains, spots the remains of ancient and abandoned Hohokam canals and decides to build a farming community? Like Salmon, the tribe always returns to its roots, and Ol’ Jack’s roots were in hemp farming. His ancestors had sharpened their green thumbs in these parts and pity the fool who tried to prevent Jack from doing the same. Jack was a tough man. He lived his adult life with a skull fracture and an inoperable bullet wound in his back. Wikipedia says Jack was dependent on “drugs and alcohol,” which is hardly surprising for a guy committed to a life of agriculture in the middle of a giant desert.

According to Moonalice legend, Jack Swilling lived a wild life before settling down to grow hemp in what is now Phoenix. We were drawn immediately to Jack’s service in the Civil War. He enlisted on the Confederate side. It appears that he was given command of the Arizona Territory’s 420 Moonalice Signal Brigade. Using smoke signals, the signal brigade confused the Yankee soldiers and then got ‘em wasted, leading to the capture of the Union captain James McCleve. At the smoke-out that evening, the soldiers on both sides realized that they were fighting by mistake. After, all it would be sixty years before Arizona would become a state, so technically they weren’t even eligible to fight in the War Between the States. A few doobies later, they all passed out.

According to Moonalice legend, today – March 28 – is Serfs Emancipation Day in China. Actually, the Chinese created this holiday to make believe they had emancipated the serfs in Tibet. We in Moonalice know better. The serfs are not free. The tribe knows this and is determined to make amends. We support a free Tibet. That’s right. At Moonalice, you get a free Tibet with the purchase of another Tibet of equal or greater value. They can't even match that at Wal-Mart.

Bass players: 6!!! (A new record)

According to Moonalice legend, San Diego was home to Goldfinger Moonalice, a trailblazer in the surfing business. You may not be aware of Goldfinger Moonalice. He was a lousy hemp farmer, but a fantastic surfer. A true beach boy in the days before Brian Wilson. But Goldfinger’s greatest talent was in the design of surfboards. Moonalice legend says Goldfinger’s were the most valuable surfboards ever created, and they attracted a cult following. Sadly, if you have not seen a Goldfinger board by now, you never will. They are all gone. Why? They were made of fantastic Afghani hash.

According to Moonalice legend, the people of San Diego have always favored water pipes. Is this true? We bring this up because we were perusing the legend for this town and came across the story of Western Moonalice, a plumbing contractor in this town in the early part of the 20th century. Western acquired a plumbing supply business and built a four-story building at 215 Seventh Avenue to house it. In many ways, the Western Metal Supply building was a standard warehouse. But it was special. The building was constructed to be a GIANT water pipe. Western and his friends would hang out on the roof – where the mouthpieces were – smoke up a storm and enjoy the view. They are reputed to have gotten so wasted that they thought they saw professional baseball games on the ground below. Ridiculous. Who ever heard of people watching baseball from the roof of a Metal Supply Building.

According to Moonalice legend, today is the 128th anniversary of the Moonalice riot in Basingstoke, England. The tribe is exceptionally peaceful. And exceptionally lazy, which has historically enabled them to avoid confrontation. But back in England in 1880, the Salvation Army came to Basingstoke with an emotional and evangelical campaign against alcohol. The tribe couldn’t care less about alcohol, but it was a member of the Natives Against Temperance Organizations – NATO for short – and honored its obligation to defend against limits on self-medication. Apparently, some Salvation Army guy rang his bell one time too many and the tribe rose up in protest. The Mayor had to read the Riot Act and call out troops to put down the riot. Afterwards, the mayor invited everyone over to his place for a beer and a doobie.

According to Moonalice legend, San Diego is home to the Spreckels Organ Pavilion, the world’s largest outdoor organ. The pavilion resulted from the world’s largest organ transplant, but that’s another story. Named for a bass player named Spreckels Moonalice, the organ originally consisted of 3,400 pipes. What could a Moonalice do with 3,400 pipes? Give that some thought. Recently, they expanded the organ to 4,518 pipes. The percentage change matches recent growth in San Diego’s population. Coincidence? We think not.

Are you familiar with anapestic tetrameter? We'll give you a hint. There's no cure for it. According to Moonalice legend, La Jolla was home to the greatest poet of the 20th Century: Theodore Giesel, also known as Doctor Seuss. Moonalice legend is ambiguous on this point, but we believe the good doctor was a Moonalice on his mother’s side. His books convey so much of the Moonalice philosophy that we believe Horton, Little Cats X Y and Z, and other Seuss characters are drawn from real life in the tribe. How else do you explain Green Eggs? A civilization that lives on a speck of dust? He described himself as “subversive as hell.” He wrote mostly in anapestic tetrameter, a meter that goes "soft, soft, hard, soft, soft hard." To Doctor Seuss, the man who taught Doctor Steve Parish everything he knows. Stage plot reversed.

According to Moonalice legend, the tribe has had a huge influence on LA culture. Can you imagine LA without convertibles? Surfing without blonds? Gigs where people stayed until the end? Each of these reflects the influence of the tribe. Moonalice music and hemp were so influential that Angelenos found it attractive to get stuck in traffic. Then came World War II. That’s when LA decided it had outgrown the tribe. Angelenos traded hemp for martinis; they traded psychedelic music for pop; and tribal tee pees for urban sprawl. We admit that LA seems to have prospered, but we at Moonalice think it’s time to shake things up. We’re back and we’re bringing back the old school values: sex, hemp, and rock ‘n’ roll.

According to Moonalice legend, the tribe was responsible for making air pollution fashionable in the area now occupied by Los Angeles. Before Moonalice got here, the air was boringly clear. The sunsets were a total snooze. Into the breach stepped the tribe. They saw an opportunity to create killer sunsets and a communal buzz. They built a gigantic hookah in the Hollywood Hills and dedicated themselves to increasing the particulate count to the point where sunsets would include pastel greens, outrageous purples, and reds not found in nature. Their hard work paid off. Not only did LA get great sunsets, it got wasted from all the hemp smoke.

According to The Mint website, this club was founded in 1937. What the website doesn’t say, is that there is a Moonalice connection. The tribe had a major revival in Los Angeles during the depression under the leadership of the matriarch Goodship Lollypop Moonalice. Goodship Lollypop was born in 1928. Blessed with amazing golden locks and a killer smile, Goodship became a Hollywood star at age 4 and helped America survive a brutal economy. In the process, she got filthy rich and needed some place to put the money. She was only a little kid, living in a time when banks were failing on a daily basis. First Goodship put her money under the mattress, but that made the mattress too lumpy for sleeping. Then she tried investing her wealth in tribal agriculture. That lasted only a few months, until Congress passed the Marihuana Tax Act of 1937 and effectively outlawed hemp. At that point, Goodship had a great idea. She decided to finance a nightclub on West Pico. She called it The Mint and hid all her money there in a secret vault, as you can see on tonight’s poster. But Goodship started to grow up, and eventually spaced where she put the vault. The money has never been found!!! I bring this up because Goodship is now the senior Moonalice matriarch in these parts and she could use our help in finding her loot. So if you look carefully around you tonight, you may find her treasure. I’m pretty sure it’s hidden behind Jack’s eyebrows.

According to Moonalice legend, today is the birthday of a tribe member named Thomas Hee. Young Tom showed incredible talent for character animation and made a career of it, working here in LA for first Leon Schlesinger and then Walt Disney. His greatest work was the Dance of the Hours segment of Fantasia. But we bring this up because Tom Hee was blessed with the perfect name for a cartoon guy. He was always credited by his initial: T. Hee.

According to Wikipedia, the San Joaquin valley was first settled about 8,000 years ago by 60 tribes who were later lumped together as the Yokut. According to Moonalice legend, our tribe may have been one of those tribes. We believe Moonalice may have been the lost tribe of the Yokut. They were the original farmers of the Valley. Their innovation was production on an industrial scale. The inventor, a matriarch by the name of Ms. Greenjeans Moonalice said it best: “it was a wicked big valley and we had a shitload of seeds.” After the earthquakes of 1952 hit Bakersfield, archeologists found the fossilized remains of hemp seeds and roaches. They also found were an ash tray fashioned from a buffalo hoof, as well as a roach clip purported to have belonged to Ms Greenjeans herself. Apparently it still works.

According to Moonalice legend, white people in North America celebrated New Year’s Day on March 25 until 1752. This begs two questions: what were they thinking? How did it get fixed? History claims it was all the work of a Pope named Gregory. Moonalice legend, however, has the real story.

The tribe has always celebrated New Year’s Eve on December 31 and New Year’s Day on January 1. (The tribe also supports other interpretations, e.g., Hardwood Moonalice's New Year's Eve is August 31.) According to Moonalice legend, the tribe may have invited Pope Gregory XIII over for a smoke some time in 1583,. It was a friendly invitation that led to an evening of heavy partying. By the time it was done, the ol’ pope was a full member of the tribe. Noting the obvious benefits of December 31 as a party night – particularly in comparison to a date in late March – the pope issued a bull. For those of you who are struggling to remember your church vocabulary, a papal bull is a proclamation. The same message, when it comes from a politician, is known as bullshit. In this case, though, the bull was truly inspired. The Julian calendar was invented by people whose astronomy was not quite right. As a result, the calendar got out of whack with the seasons and New Year’s fell in late March. Greg the Thirteenth fixed it by dropping 10 days in October and moving new year’s to January 1. Sensing an additional party opportunity, the Moonalice tribe added March 25 as Julian New Year’s Day. Happy New Year!!!

According to Moonalice legend, the tribe still had a small outpost in Kern Island - present-day Bakersfield - when a gold prospector named Colonel Thomas Baker came to town. In those days, Kern Island was a swamp. Malaria was a huge threat. Fortunately, the tribe was ready with a solution: the never-ending smoke-out. The Mosquitoes got so buzzed that they flew from here to Death Valley. No word on what happened to Col. Baker.

According to Moonalice legend, the tribe first discovered the mountain that is present day Breckenridge around 300 years ago. Unfortunately, they couldn’t cut it here. It all started with a nomadic Moonalice band that was looking for a gig with a nice view of the ocean. Under the leadership of Wrong Way Moonalice, they immediately got lost. Next thing you know, they found themselves here. Not only was there no view of the ocean, but the air was mighty thin. Worse still, it was wicked cold. Wrong Way struggled to catch his breath, while the rest of the band played like crazy men, hoping to warm up. They played with great intensity, producing wave upon wave of low tones. It got louder and louder. In the end, they triggered a massive avalanche that buried them all. That was it for Breckenridge until the white man arrived.

According to Moonalice legend, the tribe returned to Breckenridge during the first gold rush here. The tribe was far too lazy to dig for gold, but they were happy to do their tribal thing in gold rush towns. From Colorado to the Yukon, the tribe played a pivotal role in mining towns. The nomadic tribe played gigs, while the hippies supplied the miners with hemp products. So important was hemp to the miners that they would not do any kind of work without it. Which is why you guys switched from gold mining to ski areas. It was the only way to get the tribe to resupply you in the winter!

According to Moonalice legend, March 15 is the Ides of March. Julius Caesar met his maker on the Ides of March, but that’s all any of us knows about Ides. What the hell are they? According to the Century Dictionary, Ides “comes from the ancient Roman calendar, the eighth day after the nones —that is, the 13th of January, February, April, June, August, September, November, and December, and the 15th of March, May, July, and October. The seven days after the nones in each month are identified by their ordinal numbers before the ides (the ides themselves included), as the eighth, seventh, sixth, etc., day before the ides.” Huh? The tribe has a simple solution: light up and forget about it.

Big day for musical birthdays!!! Sly Stone, Phil Lesh, Mike Love, Ry Cooder.

We played this show in honor of Charlotte Driebe.

According to Moonalice legend, the area now known as Denver was at one time a major hub on the Long Walk from the East Coast to the West Coast. In those days it was known as Village with a Mile High Buzz. For the tribe’s nomadic clan, the local was an important place to catch one’s breath, particularly on the West bound trip. Gigs in Mile High Buzz traditionally began with a major smoke out. The local hippie clan had long since adjusted to the thin air and they had no patience for flatlanders who couldn’t handle their environment. Over the centuries, Moonalice musicians underwent a Darwinian process and evolved Sherpa-like lung capacity, which added to their enthusiasm for – and capacity for – herbal entertainment.

According to Moonalice Legend, today – March 14 – is National Pi Day. For those of you who, like me, struggle to recall the details of high school math, Pi to two decimal places is 3.14, March 14. The Pi Minute was at 1:59 this morning, which was about the time we got back to our hotel after last night’s show. I bring this up because it is a Moonalice tradition to celebrating National Pi Day with the real thing: Apple Pie. We have brought some for you to share.

According to Moonalice legend, Denver was once home to a notorious con man named Soapy Smith. Last night I shared the basics of Soapy’s biography, but tonight I will explain how Soapy, the lifelong criminal, became a folk hero. When Soapy returned to Denver after a short period of exile, he opened up a series of businesses that were fronts for his con games. One store sold fake train tickets. Wikipedia tells us that Soapy also owned shops that sold fake lottery tickets, a stock exchange that specialized in “sure things,” fake watches, fake diamonds, and phony stock brokering. But Soapy had a silver lining. He was a big philanthropist, giving vast sums to help the poor. He also bought off the politicians and policemen in every town, providing these civil servants with the life style they felt they deserved. But our favorite thing about Soapy was that he believed he played a positive role in the community. He was totally unapologetic. His best line – quoted in the paper here in Denver – says it all: "I consider bunco steering more honorable than the life led by the average politician.” We couldn’t have said it better ourselves.

According to Moonalice legend, the Rocky Mountains are very special. In the old days, before the white man came, the tribe shared the region with other Native tribes. They lived in harmony, due in part to the high quality hemp products provided by the tribe. I bring this up because the arrival of Europeans brought huge changes to the Eastern Slope. Soon gone were many of the open spaces that supported so many tribes. Also gone were the buffalo. Things were looking really grim until Teddy Roosevelt was elected president and created the national park system. This gave the tribe an idea! They could use the concept of national parks to protect their way of life. And so was born the concept of Tokalot National Park. Unlike other National Parks, Tokalot doesn’t have boundaries. It doesn’t even have a permanent location. It’s more like a state of mind. Whenever a member of the tribe feels the need to freshen the air, they look for a place where they will disturb no one, and declare that place to be Tokalot National Park. Then they light up.

We encourage all members of the tribe to support the Tokalot National Park System. These are your national parks. Leave nothing but your ashes.

According to Moonalice legend, the tribe’s nemesis was known as Red Barnes. The oldest of the Barnes brothers, Red was a cruel man who may have lived for centuries. He may even be alive today. Until now, Red was known entirely for his mean streak. Whenever the tribe finds itself in rural America, its keeps a watchful eye out for signs of Red. His telltale is a large red outbuilding found on farms. We haven’t heard tell of Red for several months . . . until we got to Denver and Hardwood went out for a walk. He came to an intersection in the downtown area and found a most remarkable plaque. It said (and we paraphrase): On this street corner in Denver in 1952, Mr. Henry (Red) Barnes installed America’s first automatic pedestrian crosswalk sign. The plaque went on to say that ol’ Red said felt his crosswalk signal would give pedestrians a 30% to 70% chance of getting across the street without being killed. Crossing that street was known thereafter as a Barnes Dance. What remains to be seen is whether the threat to pedestrians came from traffic . . . or from Red.

Tonight’s show may have been brought to you by Greyhound Bus Lines, circa 1972. Leave the driving to us. Painting by Scramble Campbell (#2)

According to Moonalice legend, Friday the 13th has long been a source of superstition within the tribe. In ancient times, the tribe had strict rules for Friday the 13th, mostly in the form of things to avoid. For example, work was discouraged on Friday the 13th. So was hunting for water buffalo. In time, the superstition became more nuanced as the tribe sought ways to combat the forces of darkness. Naturally, the weapon of choice for combating evil spirits was hemp. The tribe tried everything. They tried hanging a rope noose from the front door. That didn’t work. Then they tried putting hemp fabric curtains over the windows. That didn’t get it done either. They tried burning stems and seeds in the fireplace. No luck. Then a young tribe member in Denver, one Jason Hockeymask Moonalice, came up with a brilliant idea!!! A smoke out!!! So every Friday the 13th since then, the tribe has taken the time to smoke itself into unconsciousness. It works every time.

According to Moonalice legend, Denver was home to a 19th century criminal mastermind named Jefferson Randolph Smith II. He was known as Soapy and is no relation to Hardwood, as his story makes clear. Soapy was a con man of the first order. For 20 years, he preyed on the citizens of Denver with a variety of confidence scams. He was a major innovator in small time cons practiced on a large scale. He would go to a street corner and set up what he called a tripe and keister. Seriously. The tripe and keister was a tripod with a box on top. The box was filled with bars of soap wrapped in paper. Soapy would take a few bars and make a big show of inserting a $1, $10, and $100 bill into three of them, before rewrapping them and pretending to mix them in with other wrapped bars in the box. The audience would pay $1 or more per bar for soap that would otherwise have cost 5 cents. Soapy bought off the entire city government and wound up owning the crime business in this town. Eventually, the good citizens of Denver ran Soapy out of town. He eventually moved his operation to the Moonalice enclave of Skagway, Alaska. Soapy terrorized Skagway for a year before the tribe had enough and somebody killed him.

According to Moonalice legend, Denver was home to one of the wackier members of the tribe. Her name was Yippie-Eye-O Moonalice, she lived in this area before white people got there. And she had some very strange ideas. For example, she was a pioneer in hyperventilation. She liked the high.

It is a fact that the Moonalice tribe does not believe in judging anyone, no matter how weird. It is also a fact that the tribe has no issue with people getting high, especially in the Mile High City, where you can't help it. But Yippie-Eye-O was convinced she could do better by inhaling 60 sixty times a minute. She sounded like an overheated bulldog. But it worked for her. Fortunately, the rest of the tribe chose another path.

According to Moonalice legend, Yippie-Eye-O Moonalice eventually abandoned hyperventilation in favor of other methods. True to form, she chose her own path. She thought burning hemp was bad for the environment; she was also convinced it was fattening. So Yippie-Eye-O went organic and baked. The organic part was easy in those days, but baked required some effort. She tried everything, but in the end she just put her buds in the oven. Then she stuck her head in. That’s when things started to go wrong. The rest, as they say, is legend. Earl Grey Day! Painting by Scramble Campbell (#1)

According to Moonalice legend, Fort Collins is where the Fukawi settled after they got chased out of Kansas by the F Troop. Chief Wild Eagle set up shop outside the Fort, manufacturing trinkets that the Fukawi shipped to Sargeant O’Rourke back at Fort Courage. Wild Eagle was a smart dude – remember that he was an Italian from Brooklyn – so he looked into local product that he might sell to the cavalry at Fort Courage. Low and behold, he met Cache La Poudre Moonalice, a Moonmama who specialized in herbal entertainment. Cache La Poudre opened up whole new worlds to the Fukawi, literally blowing their minds. We hope to carry on that tradition tonight.

According to Moonalice legend, the Cache La Poudre River has special properties. Where other rivers in Colorado produce beer, the Cache La Poudre produces hemp. The local Tribe keeps a low profile, but their crop is legendary. We are new to the area, so your guidance would be much appreciated.

According to Moonalice legend, today is International Women’s Day. How many of you here consider yourself to be International Women? The tribe is a matriarchy. It’s not just that the Moonalice women are in charge, but they represent so much that is good in the tribe. From green thumbs to low tones, from smooth rolling to deep bong hits, Moonalice women set the standard. The boys here in the band have learned what we know from the women in our lives. So gentlemen, please put your arms around the Moonmama next to you and give her a big thank you kiss. Happy Women’s Day!!!

According to Moonalice legend, today is Johnny Appleseed Day. We’re not sure why. Johnny was born on September 26, 1774 and died on February 18, 1845. But March 11 is the day and we’re here to celebrate it. Most people think Johnny walked along randomly dropping apple seeds across Ohio, Indiana, and Illinois. Not true. He planted orchards in every town, selling shares to the local townspeople. Most people think Johnny only planted Apples. Not true. When visiting white people, he planted apple trees. But when Johnny visited a Moonalice village in Fort Collins, CO, he planted the finest cannabis sativa. Mmm – good.

Other acts: Bob Weir, Mark Karan, Robin Sylvester, Isabel Allende

Benefit for Project AVARY

According to Moonalice legend, the difference between men and women is that men THINK the Three Stooges are funny; women KNOW they are not. The Moonalice tribe is a matriarchy, which makes its tolerance of the Stooges all the more remarkable. I bring this up because today is the birthday of Samuel Horowitz, also known as Shemp Howard. Shemp was the oldest of the Horowitz brothers and the best actor, which is why you didn’t see him in Three Stooges shorts until after Curly died. N'yuck. N'yuck.

Shemp was an original Stooge, with his brother Moe and Larry Fine. They worked in a vaudeville act headlined by a nasty drunk. First chance Shemp got, he left the act for greener pastures. That’s how Curly became a Stooge. No matter what you think of the Stooges, Curly is a character you can admire. Soytenly!!!! The tribe thanks Shemp Howard for making Curly necessary.

According to Moonalice legend, today is the birthday of Wake Up Mama Moonalice, one of the great matriarchs in the tribe’s history. Wake Up Mama was born in Statesboro, Georgia, where she had the blues. But she was a brilliant engineer. Among her inventions were the first human methane powered barbecue restaurant. The place had a carbon foot print of zero, but it smelled so terrible that it chased Uncle John from the door. Wake Up Mama moved to Macon, where she invented the human methane powered bong. She called it the Lamp, but it, too, smelled awful. She turned it down low, but couldn’t fight off those Statesboro Blues. According to Moonalice legend, if she can’t make it, babe, her sister Lucille say she want to go.

According to Moonalice legend, back during the War of Northern Aggression, the tribe played an important role in protecting Macon from the Dreaded Yankee General Who Shall Not Be Named, who was planning on Bakin' Macon as he made his way to the sea. It turns out the tribe had formed a couple brigades to contribute to the war effort. The 420 Moonalice Supply Brigade under Col. Beauregard Moonalice ferried hemp to the front lines. The 420 Moonalice Signal Brigrade under Col. Buford Thudpucker Moonalice provided smoke signals. They were both at the battle of Milledgeville when they were captured by the Dreaded Yankee General Who Shall Not Be Named. The Dreaded General was impressed by the smoke signals of the 420 Moonalice Signal Brigade and asked for a demonstration. Within minutes the Dreaded General was overcome by smoke. When he came to, he demanded more hemp, as well as directions to the beach. He never came here to Macon. The rest, as they say, is legend.

According to Moonalice legend, Macon’s most famous murderer, Anjette Lyles, specialized in poisoning family members with arsenic. You may know the Anjette was an attractive and much beloved Macon restaurateur who was convinced of poisoning two husbands, one mother-in-law, and one daughter. She dosed up her victims gradually with rat poison, before finishing them off at the hospital. Apparently no one liked the husbands and the mother in law, because Anjette had gotten away with those murders. The daughter was the bridge too far. Apparently she had shown tremendous potential as a bass player. Her death caused a scandal and got her mom sentenced to the electric chair. She would have gone, too, except they finally figured out she was crazy.

According to Wikipedia, the Native American village located at present day Atlanta was called Standing Peachtree. According to Moonalice legend, the tribe’s village was the next one over, and it was called Standing Hemp. The two tribes got along great. Moonalice liked peaches, and the local Native Americans developed a fondness for hemp.

When Europeans first came here, they couldn’t decide on a name. Apparently they were evenly split between Standing Peachtree and Standing Hemp. So they decided to pick another name. Somehow they picked Thrashersville. That was clearly too rough, so they built a railroad depot and changed the name to Terminus. They quickly realized Terminus didn't sound human, so they switched the name to Marthasville. That seemed a bit quaint, so they moved on to Atlantica-Pacifica. Unbelievable. The town hadn’t been built yet and already they had sold the naming rights to a supermarket. At long last, someone had the bright idea of asking the townspeople, who picked Atlanta by a narrow margin over Standing Hemp. The rest, as they say, is legend.

According to Moonalice legend, peaches and hemp have always gotten along well. At some point along the way, the tribe decided to cross breed them. Amelia Betty Jo Moonalice had the greenest of thumbs and she devoted her life to developing Peachemp. She tried everything, but nothing ever worked. The fruit tasted like rope and the THC wound up in the pit. So in 1937 the tribe passed a law making Peachemp illegal. The country responded by making hemp illegal.

According to Moonalice legend, the War of Northern Aggression saw acts of heroism by the Moonalice tribe in and around Atlanta. The 420 Moonalice Signal Brigade under Col. Buford Thudpucker Moonalice were assigned to the defense of the city against the Dreaded Yankee General Who Shall Not Be Named. The brigade’s job was smoke signals, but by 1865 they were pretty wasted. They had no idea what was going on, but they were determined to do their duty. All day long, they puffed and puffed, creating massive clouds of smoke. By the time the smoke cleared, the tribe found itself on the set of Gone With the Wind. 80 years had passed, and the brigade was having major flashbacks. Frankly, madam, they didn’t give a damn.

According to Moonalice legend, the tribe got off to a rocky start in this area. The local chief Beauregard Moonalice visited with General James Oglethorpe shortly after Oglethorpe first arrived in 1733. Oglethorpe explained to the tribal elders that he was running an experiment; he called it a penal colony. The tribe couldn’t be sure, but a penal colony sounded a little too kinky for Moonalice. Just to be on the safe side, they gave Oglethorpe a peace offering of their finest buds, whereupon they were immediately arrested, the first guests in the penal colony.

According to Moonalice legend, the tribe played an unfortunate role in the Battle of Savannah during the Revolutionary War. The 420 Moonalice Supply Battalion was bringing a load of hemp from Charleston to resupply Savannah when they got lost. They wandered around for a while until they were captured by the British Army, who took their hemp and went on to win the battle against the demoralized Continental and French forces. Fortunately, the tribe (and the colonies) got bailed out by the Father of the Hemp Industry, George Washington, who kicked some British butt at Yorktown.

According to Moonalice legend, the tribe staged a huge comeback during the War of Northern Aggression. That’s right. The tribe played a pivotal role in protecting Savannah from the Dreaded Yankee General Who Shall Not Be Named as he marched to the sea in 1865. It’s true. Those of you who have been following the current tour know that the tribe formed up a brigade on the day after Fort Sumter and fought right to the end. Col. Buford Thudpucker Moonalice commanded the 420 Moonalice Signal Brigade, which specialized in smoke signals. By 1865, the brigade was totally smoked out. They no longer knew what they were supposed to be signaling. They just inhaled as best they could and blew smoke in voluminous billows. They were stationed outside Savannah as the Dreaded Yankee General Who Shall Not Be Named approached. Not realizing that they were the last line of defense, the brigade pulled out their most potent buds and puffed up a storm. The Dreaded Yankee General Who Shall Not Be Named took one look . . . then he took a very deep breath. Then another. Before long, he was convinced he had already burned Savannah to the ground. So he went back to the mess tent to get some munchies.

No Monkey.

According to Moonalice legend, the city of Athens has had many nicknames. At one time, it was called Cedar Shoals. As Athens, it was known as the Manchester of the South. You may know it as The Classic. Some you know it as The Little A. In the language of Moonalice, Athens means City of Buds the Size of Bulldogs. Woof.

According to Moonalice legend, Mardi Gras is another day at the office. For most Americans, Mardi Gras is a fling before the fasting of Lent, analogous to a last cigarette before a hanging. For the tribe, Fat Tuesday follows Porky Monday. Everyone sleeps late to work off whatever happened the day before. After a bracing can of Howling Monkey, they set to rolling up some inventory for the day. They smoke the inventory. Then sound check and the gig. After that, who knows. In short, a very Fat Tuesday.

According to Moonalice legend, Athens is home to the only surviving double barreled cannon remaining from the War of Northern Aggression. You may have seen it down the street here. The tribe is scared shitless by that cannon. You see, the tribe formed up a brigade during that war – the 420 Signal brigade – specializing in smoke signals. By 1865, the Brigade was in a bad way. They had been smoking constantly for four years and their senses had been squashed like grape under a steam roller. They could no longer hear gunfire, much less normal speech. And their eyesight was worse. They needed a seeing eye dog to find the buttons on their pants. But when the shooting started, there was no braver group of soldiers in the Confederacy. They inhaled deeply and did their duty. How the double barreled cannon figure into this, I hear you ask? Perhaps you have read the story about the first and only time they fired the cannon. The cannon balls were connected by a chain. In theory, the cannon would mow down infantry by the dozen. What it actually did was fire the cannon balls nearly a second apart. So instead of going down the field and wiping out Yankees, one cannon ball came out before the other, wrapped itself around the neck of Innocent Victim Moonalice and throttled him. By the time the second cannon ball got there, the generals had already decided to go back to traditional cannons.

Mardi Gras

According to Wikipedia, the Calusa tribe called this place Tampa, which meant place of burning sticks. The problem is that the place where the Calusa lived was not the place the Spanish found. They sailed right past the Calusa village without even seeing it. And yet they took the Calusa name. How could that be? We looked up the word “Tampa” in a Moonalice to English dictionary. And according to Moonalice legend, Tampa means place of big, fat smokin’ doobies. Which not only is a better name, it also explains how the Spanish could space the village and still come up with the right name.

According to Moonalice legend, the 420 Moonalice Signal Brigade under the command of Col. Buford Thudpucker Moonalice spent some time here during the War of Northern Aggression. Their job was to send smoke signals from Fort Brooke to Confederate generals in the eastern part of the state. To get the signals to reach that far, the brigade found an ingenious solution: they cheated. They inhaled deeply, puffed liked crazy, and then, when the Colonel wasn’t looking, they would send a telegram. The Moonalice Signal Brigade in Tampa performed brilliantly throughout the war, but when the war ended, they fell under the influence of Vincente Martinez Ybor, who led them astray . . . and straight into the cigar business. Things were never the same for the tribe in this area.

According to Moonalice legend, today is the birthday of the most famous hemp farmer of them all, George Washington. Farmer George’s diary is a core reference work among hemp horticulturalists, providing keen insights about the importance of removing male plants a month before harvest and the need to cure the females prior to enjoying their bounty. In his honor, the tribe asks the question, “what would George do?” The answers to which are: light a fat one, inhale deeply, and never tell a lie.

According to Moonalice legend, today is the 338th Anniversary of the signing of the Treaty of Treaty Hemp. Everyone knows the famous Treaty Oak in Jacksonville. It has been there for two hundred years. It was named for a treaty signed between the native Americans and the European Settlers. But the Legend tells us that before there was an oak, there was a giant hemp, known as Treaty Hemp. Under that hemp, many treaties were signed, including one between the local tribes and the nomadic clan of Moonalice. It was a landmark treaty that has stood the test of time. The Moonalice promised not to invent nuclear weapons, if the locals promised not play ice hockey. As far as we know, neither side has ever broken the treaty.

According to Moonalice legend, the tribe first came to the Jacksonville area looking for a fountain of middle age. Unfortunately, they found it.

According to Moonalice legend, the Jacksonville Fire of 1901 didn’t really happen the way the history books say. Yes, the fire began in the kitchen in a mattress factory, but there has never been a satisfactory explanation for why no one alerted the fire department when the fire started. Now it can be told. The mattress factory was experimenting with new materials – alternatives to Spanish moss. That particularly week they were experimenting with hemp acquired from the Moonalice tribe. When the fire started, the place was overwhelmed with smoke. Within minutes, everyone within 10 miles was buzzed beyond belief. It just goes to show that you should never smoke a bed.

According to Moonalice legend, the tribe has always loved Charleston. But sometimes, despite its best efforts, the tribe has found itself in embarrassing situations. Back in April 1861, the local tribe was quietly planting a field of hemp near Ft. Sumter when the shooting starting. After a collective loss of intestinal fortitude . . . followed by an explosive excretion of organic matter . . . the tribe made a run for it. In the tribe, they call it The Battle of Who Runs. Thanks to the organic matter, that year’s crop was especially bountiful.

According to Moonalice legend, the tribe around Charleston eventually recovered its poise and formed a brigade under the command of Col. Buford Thudpucker Moonalice. The brigade was undersized – the tribe in those days was shorter than it is now – so they were formed as a signal corps. Their specialty was smoke signals. Col. Thudpucker’s brigade inhaled deeply and puffed away. Using a tribal form of Morse Code, they kept the Army informed of enemy movements for the entire War of Northern Aggression.

Just last week, we saw a report that the Moonalice 420 Signal Brigade is still active in these parts. The brigade is now under the command of the very tall, remarkably amphibious Michael Phelps Moonalice.

According to Moonalice legend, the first European settlers in Felton may have gotten off to a very bad start. The settlers came here for lumber. As every Moonalice grade schooler can tell you, the Felton area may have been home to the mythical and now extinct Redwood Hemp. These towering giants of the cannabis family grew for centuries. The flowers are said to have been the size of a Volkswagen Bus. The perfume was so strong that one whiff could turn a complete asshole into a gentle soul. The trees were sacred to the tribe, which lived in and on the smell. Unfortunately, the Europeans didn’t figure out the “smell, don’t smoke” concept until it was too late. They harvested the whole forest, smoked the VW buds, got so buzzed they lost the seeds, felt guilty and built a railroad. No worries. It was an honest mistake.

According to Moonalice legend, the grass is always greener before you harvest it.

According to Moonalice legend, this venue was built on the site of the ancestral home of Sancho Panza Moonalice. In Moonalice legend, Sancho holds a special place. He invented the concept of the sidekick, ultimately legitimizing it as a career option for tone deaf tribe members with brown thumbs. Sancho had soft hands that lent themselves to rolling fat ones. This made him popular in the tribe, but especially with a loony conquistador named Quixote, who jousted windmills with the doobies that Sancho rolled. Sancho’s unique personality and skills led to legendary adventures . . .

According to Moonalice legend, Sancho Panza Moonalice started a school for sidekicks on this site. He opened his doors hundreds of years ago. At first there were no takers, then a young tribe member named Tonto showed up, followed by an escaped slave named Jim. Over the years Sancho trained dozens of Hall of Fame sidekicks, including Robin, The Sundance Kid, Jughead, Alfalfa and Bu’wheat, Ernie the Muppet, Fred and Ethel Mertz, Gracie Allen, Trigger, Wimpy, Pokie, Barney Rubble, Muttley, Art Carney, Tommy Smothers, Dick Martin, Slim Pickins, Gabby Hayes, Ed McMahon, C3PO, Fred Willard, Willard Scott, Vanna White, Neal Cassady, and Paul Shaefer. Then Pancho trained Dick Cheney. That’s when the tribe fired him and converted the school to a music venue.

According to Moonalice legend, on this day in 1876, all native Americans were forced onto reservations. Unfortunately, Moonalice overslept, so we didn’t get one. We experienced the assault on our culture, but without a place to enjoy it. Moonalice also missed out on casinos. Apparently the tribe couldn’t even get it together to get screwed properly by the US Government.

According to Moonalice legend, roses are red, violets are blue, silence is golden, but duct tape is silver. Is that profound or what?

According to Moonalice legend, present day Redwood City has a long history with the tribe. In the old days, it was known as Redwood Farm. I’ll leave it to your imagination to figure out what the tribe grew year. Over the years, the population grew a lot. First it became Redwood Hamlet. Then Redwood Village. After pulling a few all nighters, it passed the exams to be Redwood Town, then Redwood Borough. A couple centuries of keeping its head down and getting the job done, got this place got promoted to the big leagues: now it’s Redwood City. Other than the one mistake of trading the redwoods for a Safeway, this place has done it right from the first day. Old school all the way.

According to Moonalice legend, this venue is named after an infamous femme fatale: Little Fox Moonalice. Little Fox was no ordinary Moonalice. For one thing, she was born on February 29, a lucky outcome which helped her stay young. From the moment of conception, Little Fox was one of a kind. In the womb, she kicked in a Bo Diddley beat . . . 24x7. She was born screaming, “Who Do You Love?” Nursing immediately after birth, she had a unique technique, which consisted of holding on to her mother's nipple with the thumb and index finger before she suck. Her habit of holding onto the nipple while looking around, caused papa to nickname her “Bogart.” Every day of Little Fox’s life was amazing. Stay tuned for more . . .

According to Moonalice legend, today (January 30) is the 161st anniversary of the day when Yerba Buena became San Francisco. It is a day of mixed emotions for the tribe. On the one hand, the handover of Yerba Buena to white people meant abandoning a great farm. But on the other hand, it got the tribe up to Mendocino and Humboldt, where tribal agriculture has flourished.

According to Moonalice legend, today is also the anniversary of the beheading of the English king Charles I by Oliver Cromwell and the virtual beheading 12 years later of Cromwell himself. We in the tribe take particular interest in the virtual aspect of the Cromwell beheading. Why? At the time of the virtual beheading, Ol' Oliver had been dead for two years.

Bass players: 5

According to Moonalice legend, the shoreline at what is now Crystal Bay was once home to an ancient Moonalice tribal entertainment complex. The legend isn’t precise about this – or anything else, for that matter - but it appears that the tribe in those days was addicted to games of chance. Their game of choice was a form of Russian Roulette called BrainDead, where contestants drank from one of a set of bottles, one of which was filled with poison. As popular as it was, the game lasted only as long as the tribe, which was only a matter of weeks. Apparently this was before the tribe discovered hemp.

On this day in the year 49, Julius Caesar crossed the Rubicon. According to Moonalice legend, the salad dressing business has never been the same.

According to Moonalice legend, each month at the full moon the Fairy Hemp Mother goes from home to home, leaving small amounts of agricultural entertainment under the pillows of deserving members of the tribe. Tonight is the Wolf Moon, the biggest and brightest full moonalice of 2009. Apparently, the traditional Wolf Moonalice item is Coyote Buttons. The most dedicated members of the tribe can expect to find some under the pillow in the morning. We have no idea what Coyote Buttons are, but we're hoping to find out when we wake up!

On this day in 1776, Thomas Paine published Common Sense. On this day in 2001, George W. Bush repealed it.

Last night in Fairfax, CA, we revealed the existence of something called the Moonalice Code. We had no idea what it was, but apparently the code is a big deal. According to Moonalice legend, if you violate it, you get turned into a garden gnome. We have brought an example here, in the form of Bare Assed Garden Gnome Moonalice, who used to be a bass player. Here’s the good news: We have some information about the Code. Apparently it has to do with respecting bass players. Well, duh.

According to Wikipedia, the town of Fairfax is named after Lord Charles Snowden Fairfax, an English nobleman who moved there after the gold rush. Sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? That's what we thought, too, so we consulted the Legend. According to Moonalice legend, the name Fairfax is actually derived from the Moonalice term for "hills that are pretty to look at, but way too steep for growing hemp." So apparently the tribe abandoned Fairfax to the white people. We like what you've done with the place.

According to Moonalice legend, 19 Broadway is Discordian. You would think a venue called 19 Broadway Nite Club would be located at 19 Broadway. No. No. No. 19 Broadway is located at 17 Broadway. There were 50 guys milling around in the street because they could not find the place on their GPS.

According to Moonalice legend, the real trouble with reality is that it has no background music. (Submitted on Moonalice Forum by barbette.)

According to Moonalice legend, tribe members who violate the Moonalice Code are punished severely. The tribe turns them into garden gnomes. We brought one to the show as an example: Bare Assed Garden Gnome Moonalice. (BAGG Moonalice is a standard size garden gnome, but he is trying to "two.") As members of the tribe, you may be wondering, "Yo Chubby, you never told us about a Code. What gives?" Members of the tribe, we regret to inform you that we have never heard of the Moonalice Code. We're in this lifeboat together. If the situation is causing you any anxiety, we recommend you consult Dr. Big Steve Parish.

Tonight's poster, by Chris Shaw, provides the first photographic evidence of the existence of Moonalice crop circles. These incredible logos appear from time to time in fields of hemp. Naturally, we suspect aliens. Given the quality of tribal hemp, it's easy to understand why a Moonalice crop circle is so much more ornate than the traditional alien works.

According to Moonalice legend (by way of H.H. Munro), a little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.

According to Moonalice legend (by way of Herm Albright), a positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.