According to Moonalice legend, the McKenzie River was home to a particularly creative branch of the Moonalice tribe. Led by Matahari Moonalice, the McKenzie River Moonalices were determined to invent a fountain of youth. They labored for more than a hundred years, coming close several times. I would point to Henry Weinhard root bear as an example of a near miss. But after generations of effort, a young McKenzie River Moonalice named Minott came up with the elixer of life. He called it Howling Monkey. Hardwood tried it and saw that it was good. Howling Monkey was lost to the tribe for a time, but now it's back. All hail the McKenzie River Moonalices.

According to Moonalice legend, Bend is home to Mt. Bachelor. Not too far away are the three sisters who supposedly compete for Mt. Bachelor's attention. Hey guys. I don't want to rain on your parade, but Mt. Bachelor has not gone on a date with any sister in at least a million years. The guy is gay. The legend is very supportive, but also very specific about this. What we need to do is find Mt. Bachelor a companion. Anyone have a cell phone number for Mt. Studmuffin?

According to Moonalice legend, the high desert of Central Oregon is home to the elusive Were Bear. Under a full moonalice, the Were Bear becomes intensely flatulent, with a scent that is reminiscent of the burned garlic mixed with cotton candy.